NOTE: Sorry for the abbreviated post. The Young Deacon Mayhem took sick.
Playoff Football Fever: Catch It! Then Spend Several Days In Bed, Praying For The Sweet Release of Playoff Football Death!
Out of respect for our Bronco fan contingent, I will refrain from excessive celebration of Sunday’s comprehensive second-half throatstomping by the Most Glorious Football Bills. Much respect to Denver- they have no business being this far into the rebuild process, and hopefully this signals a run of excellent AFC Westness.
Without overstepping the bounds of good taste, however, I think I can safely offer the following thoughts:
- The way the offensive line is playing, the only way to beat Josh Allen is with a stick while he slept. Watching him run the offense when a play gets extended is a genuine pleasure. I assume this is what it’s like for a music lover to listen to an amazing jazz player. Jazzist? Jazzador?
- Mack Hollins is a national treasure. Flavor Flav meets Gronk meets a Head & Shoulders commercial.
- Baltimore threw their best punch in their Week 4 win by racing out to a big lead and psychologically taking away the run game. That’s not happening again- the Bills have gotten more versatile and Joe Brady has the Ravens’ measure.
- Patrick Surtain II: Cruise Control is a little bitch.
- Khalil Shakir is your new YAC God. He was second only to Ja’Marr Chase in the regular season, and he fights through contact like the skinny shirtless meth addict on COPS.
COACHING SEARCH:
Despite many of the most promising candidates being unavailable due to their teams Not Sucking, the yearly Coach-Go-Round continues to spin.
–New England: Got their man, God help them. The sham search after the sham single-year-to-meet-a contractual-obligation has lead exactly where everyone assumed it would go: mediocre white retread Mike Vrabel.
–Cowboys: Oh you dumb, shitty bastards. Y’all completed Stage 1 of the Plan: shake off the semi-competent blamesponge Mike McCarthy. He’s like a less competent Jason Garrett, which is legally actionable defamation in 13 states and grounds for a duel in three more.*
*That said, even money he will end up as the Bears coach if he’s willing to change his name to “Matt,” since that seems to be a prerequisite so they can slip the change past Ginny.
But instead of going to Stage 2 (interview promising coordinators and a couple retread old white guys), Dallas decided to be Dallas. Jerry Jones is actively courting Deion Fucking Sanders, perhaps the only candidate with an ego bigger than Jerry. As much as I would savor the absolute barking madness this combination would bring, I’m fucking sick of ESPN’s current editorial policy of treating every move Dallas or Sanders make as Front Page Red Banner Material. If they hire Sanders, the entire network will just be Pat McAfee and Stephen A. Smith yellbating** for 24 hours about how they should trade for Saquon, Ja’Marr Chase, Travis Kelce, etc. And I can’t handle that.
**yelling+debating+masturbating
Iggles fans will be glad to hear that the fallback option appears to be Philadelphia OC Kellen Moore.
