Request Line: Sadie Hawkins

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

Once again, all the lights are off in the studio, and it’s completely silent.  The studio lights come on…

…and in the hallway that leads to the studio…there is no sound at all. 

DJ 3000′: WHERE COULD HE…[pulls up HUNTER RENFROW’s cellphone location tracker]…OH.

DJ 3000 angles himself so that he can see behind the couch, where HUNTER RENFROW is visible crouching down.

DJ 3000′: WHAT IN SAM HECK ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

HUNTER RENFROW: Hiding.

DJ 3000′: YOUR GPS LOCATOR SAYS YOU’VE BEEN THERE FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS, WHAT’S GOING ON?

HUNTER RENFROW: Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.

DJ 3000′: [pulls up HUNTER RENFROW’s social media feed, does a quick analysis] IT SAYS HERE THAT RACHEL DUNBARTON IS, HEH HEH, HUNTING YOU.

HUNTER RENFROW: I know.

HUNTER RENFROW stands up, comes around from behind the couch, then flops down on it. 

DJ 3000′: [performs a more sophisticated social media analysis] AH…SHE’S ANGLING TO ASK YOU TO THE SADIE HAWKINS DANCE.

HUNTER RENFROW: [glumly] Yeah.

DJ 3000′: THEY STILL HAVE THOSE AT SOSCATEE HIGH SCHOOL?

HUNTER RENFROW: Yeah, the new school board tried to rebrand it but some of the parents flipped out about “tradition” and “heritage” and all that crap, so it’s still around.

DJ 3000′: SO IT’S STILL GIRLS ASKING BOYS?

HUNTER RENFROW: Mostly.  The main rule now is that cishet guys aren’t supposed to ask someone.  So if you’re a dude and you ask someone…

DJ 3000′: …YOU’RE BASICALLY BROADCASTING THAT YOU’RE NOT A CISHET MALE.  INTERESTING.

HUNTER RENFROW: Yeah, it usually works out fine.

DJ 3000′: SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM, YOU DON’T WANT TO GO WITH RACHEL DUNBARTON? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO ARE FRIENDS.  PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS.  YOU PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING ALL THE TIME.

HUNTER RENFROW: I mean, yeah, she’s cool, but…have you seen her?

DJ 3000′: NOT TO BE A JERK, HUNTER, BUT…

HUNTER RENFROW: And I heard a rumor that Angie Martinez was going to ask me.

DJ 3000′: THE DANCE TEAM CAPTAIN? OH COME ON.

HUNTER RENFROW: No, really, I…

DJ 3000′: HUNTER, LET’S TAKE A STEP BACK. WHERE DID YOU HEAR THIS RUMOR?

HUNTER RENFROW: Spud said that…

DJ 3000′: RIGHT.  SPUD.  AND YOU THINK THAT SPUD IS SUFFICIENTLY CONNECTED WITH THE CHEERLEADING CROWD THAT HE’S GOING TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF HOT GOSSIP LIKE THAT?

HUNTER RENFROW: Well, no, but…

DJ 3000′: AND IT WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM RETALIATING FOR THE SLIDE PROJECTOR PRANK YOU GOT HIM WITH AT THE LAST ASSEMBLY.

HUNTER RENFROW: I mean…

DJ 3000′: OKAY, SO HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO.  YOU’RE GONNA SHOW UP AT HEROES FOR SALE THE SAME WAY YOU ALWAYS DO WHEN THE NEW RELEASES COME OUT, RACHEL IS GOING TO SPRING HER PROM-POSAL ON YOU – WHICH IS PRETTY ELABORATE AND DARE I SAY SPECTACTULAR – AND YOU’RE GOING TO GRATEFULLY ACCEPT, AND YOU’RE GOING TO DO YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST TO MAKE SURE SHE HAS A FANTASTIC EVENING.  AND WHEN OTHER GIRLS HEAR ABOUT IT – GIRLS YOU ARE INTERESTED IN – AND THEY WILL HEAR ABOUT IT LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH THESE GIRLS TALK – YOU WILL SCORE A LOT MORE POINTS THAN BY BEING TOO HAUGHTY TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH A GENUINE FRIEND LIKE RACHEL.

HUNTER RENFROW: But what if she wants to make out?

DJ 3000′: THEN YOU STRESS TO HER THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT ON BOARD WITH ANYTHING SERIOUS, AND AS LONG AS SHE’S COOL WITH THAT AND JUST WANTS TO HAVE SOME FUN, THEN FACE OFF FOR A LITTLE TONSIL HOCKEY.

HUNTER RENFROW: [makes a face] Yeah but the guys in A/V Club will make fun of me.

DJ 3000′: AND YOU CARE WHAT THOSE LOSER WEIRDOS THINK?

HUNTER RENFROW: Hey! I’m one of those loser weirdos!

DJ 3000′: OKAY, SORRY.  BUT ASSUMING THEY HEAR ABOUT IT – WHICH THEY WON’T FROM YOU, BECAUSE OTHER GIRLS LIKE ANGIE MARTINEZ ARE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF THEY KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO RUN STRAIGHT TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BRAG ABOUT IT – THEN YES, OF COURSE THEY WILL TRY TO MOCK YOU.  AND YOU JUST SHRUG THAT SHIT OFF, AND TELL THOSE JEALOUS DOUCHEBAGS “LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, BUT SHE’S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD KISSER, AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT.”  BECAUSE THAT WILL ALSO GET BACK TO HER, AND RACHEL IS THE KIND OF GIRL WHO WILL BE NICE ENOUGH TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT YOU.  BUT ENOUGH DRAMA – WE’VE GOT A SHOW TO DO.  HAVE YOU GOT A TOPIC?

HUNTER RENFROW: I don’t know, how about…uh…women doing stuff?

DJ 3000′: ELABORATE, PLEASE.

HUNTER RENFROW: Songs that refer to a woman who is engaged in some kind of specific action.  Like, uh, leaving home.  Or smiling sweetly.

DJ 3000′: OKAY, COOL, I THINK I GET IT.  SOMETHING LIKE…

Today’s theme is “Women Doing Things”.  We’re looking for songs about women – named or unnamed – taking (or having taken) some kind of action.  Please post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?sT3pHd3(LaRe5 and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Last week’s puzzle answer of “Panther Moderns” by Panthers was solved by SonOfSpam after a trip up to Straylight Villa.  Let’s make some history – or in the case of this week, HER-story!