Horatio’s Big Stupid Mock Draft: V2.0 Electric Boogaloo

It’s here folks, the second or third holiest day in the DFO Pantheon of Holy Days, (depending on how one feels about Opening Weekend; myself it’s pretty meh), Day One of the NFL Draft!  As semi-usual I have a second version of a mock draft, and as usual most of these picks will be inaccurate.  Most years you can pretty safely predict the first 3-5 selections.  This year I am confident only in Mendoza to Las Vegas.  Everything else is subject to change.  And trades.  I don’t try to predict trades, but I’ve noted some, (Dallas swapping with Cleveland, moving up to take Sonny Styles, the Jets swapping with Washington to move up and grab Carnell Tate), that I think make sense, and which if they will happen will devastate my entire draft board.

Take a deep breath and crack open the beverage of your choice, we made it to another Draft Day(s) folks!  Mock my mocks below!

1. Oakland Raiders of Las Vegas by way of Los Angeles no make that Oakland again.

Record: 3-14

Top Needs: Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza.  I read somewhere that Mendoza isn’t even going to the draft.  Probably wants to get a head start on second-guessing every decision he made in life that led to him being drafted by the Raiders.

2. New York Jets

Record: 3-14.  Again.

Top Needs: QB, OG, DT, Edge, CB

The pick:  David Bailey, Edge, Texas Tech.  In V 1.0 I had the Jets taking Arvell Reese here, but even then there was talk about Bailey being a possible choice, and the feeling that way seems to have gotten louder.  I am nothing if not a lemming, so I’ll go with Bailey as well.  It does seem increasingly likely that Bailey and Reese are going to go 2-3, with some debate about who goes where.

3. Arizona Cardinals

Record: 3-14

Top Needs: QB, RT, RB, S, LB

The Pick:  Arvell Reese, LB The Ohio State.  The feeling seems to be that if the Jets move on from Reese and take Bailey, then Arizona will grab Reese.  Sure, I can go with that.

4. Don T’s Magnificent Tits

Record: 3-12

Top Needs: EDGE, WR, RG, CB

The Pick:  Notre Dame RB Jeremiyah Love.  I’ve seen nothing that would change my opinion from the first mock; if anything more people seem convinced that the Titans are going with Love, which I’m told is all you need.

5. New York Football Giants

Record: 4-13

Top Needs: RT, RG, WR, CB, LB, DT, (Jesus Christ, is that all?)

The pick:  Frances Mauigoa, OT, Miami.  He fills their top need, Harbaugh called his new offensive line “a work in progress,” and Big Blue signed LB Tremaine Edmunds after I published the first mock draft, leading me to think they’d probably address the line here.  Following that same link you’ll see a lot of talk about Sonny Styles, my pick in the first mock, or Caleb Downs at safety as well.  I’ll leave it to Scotchnaut to tell us which would help the Giants more, as frankly he’s probably got a better feel for it than their front office does.

Scotchy here-I like this pick because Harbaugh does tend to build from the inside out on both sides of the line. I think it’s a matter of which one they think will fall to them at 10.

6. Factory of Sadness

Record: 5-12

Top Needs:  QB, OL, CB, WR, LB

The pick:  Kiper has the Browns trading first round positions with Dallas here, allowing Dallas to move up and grab Sonny Styles while giving the Browns three, count ’em three, first round picks.

Dallas would also get Cleveland’s pick at #39.

I would frankly love this to happen, which means it almost certainly won’t.  Except that poking around some more, CBS Sports has the same trade, but with Dallas taking Caleb Downs.

Color me aroused!!

I’d take either of those trades and be quite happy, but I also don’t do trades in these mocks, because I’m lazy and it’s way too much to keep track of, so I’m sticking with Georgia OT Monroe Freeling.

I guess you could say I’m doing it once more, with Freeling!

(I tried to get the CSI Miami “Yeah!” gif here, but kept getting an error message and then I got bored) (I do not get paid for this)

7. Washington Football Team

Record:  5-12

Top Needs: WR, Edge, LB, LG

The Pick:  Todd McShay, (who I did not realize, or care, now that I think about it, had left ESPN), has another trade here, with the Commanders trading this pick to the Jets for their 16th and two other picks, then the Jets take Carnell Tate.  That’d be great for the Jets, and smart, so no chance it happens.

I’m keeping Ohio State WR Carnell Tate here, but I’m also keeping the Redacted’s as the team that drafts him.  They still need a WR to go with McLaurin and help Jayden Daniels.  Tate by all accounts is the best WR prospect.  There’s no reason to let the Jets have him just for two additional picks down the road.

8. New Orleans Saints

Record: 6-11

Top Needs: LG, DT, Edge, WR, CB, LB, RB

The pick:  DJ Taj didn’t like my original pick, and he’s got Kewpie on his side, and for that reason I reconsidered the fuck out of this pick.  And then I stayed with LSU CB Mansoor Delane as the pick.

It’s been nice knowing all of you.

In my defense, I will point to Saintswire, which seems like kind of an official site, which has the vast majority of mocks sending either Ruben Bain or Delanne to New Orleans with this pick, and the Saints, as point out in V1.0, reupped Cameron Jordan and Chase Young, which seems to eliminate the need for another edge guy here.  I will, in an effort to save various body parts if not my immortal soul, point out that, after Bain and Delanne, most of the mock love seems to be directed towards WRs like Lemon or Tyson.  Either would, I believe, satiate the unholy appetites of Kewpie.

9. Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 6-11

Top Needs: CB, FS, RB, Edge, WR, a parole officer with a sense of humor

The pick:  Miami Edge Rueben Bain.  I had the Chiefs taking a wide receiver here, but they do need an edge and Bain seems to have overcome the whole “short arms at the combine” thing and has been moving up mock boards.  But the clincher for me was learning that Bain was the driver of a car that was involved in an accident, (you like that passive voice shit right there, implying that the car did it, not the driver?  I’m auditioning for the cop beat with the New York Times), in which a woman was killed.  Bain was initially charged with careless driving, but the criminal charges were dropped before the woman died.

In other words, and to steal/paraphrase something someone on, I think, KSK, wrote about another Chief doing horrible things, this guy will be like a son to Andy Reid.  He’s a perfect addition to the Chiefs.

10. New York Football Giants

Record: 4-13

Top Needs: RT, RG, WR, CB, LB, DT

The pick:  OK, picking this back up on Tuesday night, a couple of days after the Bengals and Giants fucked things up for me by making a blockbuster trade in which the Bengals picked up noted fat guy Dexter Lawrence and the Giants got the 10th pick.  Maybe some other things were involved, but I only care about it affects ME, personally, and that effect is limited to this pick.

Anyway, in the immediate aftermath the experts seemed to think that the Giants would take a WR, maybe Jordan Tyson out of ASU.  I, however, felt that the Giants would be better served to pick up Ohio State LB Sonny Styles, as I originally had them taking him at 5, before Styles started to fall in mock drafts, in most cases to Dallas.  Bonus for John Harbaugh in his first season with Big Blue, not only would he get a potentially fearsome, (but hopefully not shabby), LB to start his coaching tenure, he’d also get to fuck over Dallas.

Also figuring into this pick is that putting Styles here seems to result in less things I have the change from picks I already had, and also Scotchy agreed that the Giants probably wouldn’t look to WR here, and he’s probably more on the ball than the Giants front room.

Scotchy again-Yeah, a second very high value wr is a luxury pick that a much, much better team can afford to make. That doesn’t describe the Giants at all. Schoen would get crucified if he went that route. If I’m not mistaken, NY finished dead-last in opponents ypc average (5.5). Yikes!

11. Miami Dolphins

Record: 7-10

Top Needs: QB, Edge, WR, CB, RG

The pick:  ASU WR Makai Lemon.  See?  Look at that, didn’t have to change this pick one darn bit.

12. Jerry Jones’s Syphilitic Madness

Record: 7-9-1

Top Needs: CB, WR(really?), Edge, RB, LB, S, new ownership

The pick:  With the Giants not passing on Styles a second time, I now need to change the Dallas pick I had in V2.0 originally, but I can do that very easily by just reverting back to the pick I had them taking in v1.0, and that’s Ohio State S Caleb Downs.

13. Los Angeles Rams (from Atlanta)

Record: 12-5

Top Needs: CB, S, WR, RT, C

The pick:  With Jordan Tyson now having been moved to Miami, the Rams still get a solid receiver with USC WR Makai Lemon.  Possibly an even bigger need now with Nacua off to rehab after having been accused of antisemitic language and biting a woman, truly surprising behavior to anyone who was completely unfamiliar with Puka Nacua’s recent behavior.  I suppose I should say something like “I hope he gets the help he needs” but frankly there are too many of these cockroach assholes arounds these days so I’m just going to say “fuck that guy” and whatever happens to him happens to him.

14. Baltimore Ravens

Record: 8-9

Top needs: I forget

The pick:  So this pick, at the time of V1.0, had been traded to the Raiders in return for Maxx Crossbbyy, but then the Ravens either found something bad in, or not it, as the case may be, in Maxx’s knee(s), or else they fucked over the Raiders and Crosby after finding out they could sign Trey Hendrickson for less.  All I’ll say is it’s the NFL, so you can never go wrong assuming the worst.

Anyhoodles, Baltimore has this pick back.  I guess they lost some guys on the O-line, so we’ll replace one of them with Pedo State (never forget) OG Olaivavega Ioane.  A bunch of folks on the Ravens .com site seem to think this is where they’ll go.  It’s not like I have more insider knowledge, or outside knowledge, or any knowledge, that they don’t.

15. Factory of MRSA

Record: 8-9

Top needs: Edge, DT, TE, LB, WR, CB, to go back to the Creamsicles

The pick:  Oregon TE Kenyon Sadiq.  Just happy he’s still here so I don’t have to change my original pick.

16. New York Jets (from Indianapolis)

Record: Still 3-14

Top needs: QB, OG, DT, Edge, CB

The pick:  So this would be a reach, and I only saw it in one place, (and I looked in like, 3), but the best receiver still available is Washington WR Denzel Boston, I loved the idea of getting Garrett Wilson some help via having someone else on the field capable of catching a football, and I hate the idea of drafting Ty Simpson here, or really anywhere at all in the first round.  I’ll go out on that limb for Boston here, but with the caveat (I went to law school!) to never underestimate an NFL team’s, and especially the Jets’, willingness to overdraft a truly terrible QB prospect.

17. Detroit Lions

Record: 9-8

Top needs: Edge, DT, LB, CB, LT, C, RG

The pick:  I had Miami Edge Akheem Mesidor going here in V1.0, but literally nobody has this happening at the present time, and most people seem to have the Lions addressing the offsenve like here, then turning to defense in the second round.  Maybe beyond the second round, too, but if you’re reading mock drafts past the second round I am literally begging you to go outside.  I have no courage in my convictions, so I will also go O-line here and have the Lions draft Utah OT Spencer Fano.

18. Minnesota Vikings

Record: 9-8

Top needs: QB, (JJ McCarthy ain’t it, huh?), S, CB, LB, WR

The pick:   Oregon S Dillon Thieneman.  Another one I’m just happy not to have to change.

19. Carolina Panthers

Record: 8-9

Top needs: C, LB, S, Edge, CB, DT

The pick: Toledo S Emmanuel McNeil-Warren.  McNeil-Warren seems to be moving up in the mocks, and the general consensus remains that Carolina a) needs defense and b) will take either Thieneman or McNeil-Warren at this spot.  Since Thieneman just went to Minnesota we use the transitive property, (whatever that is), to send McNeil-Warren to Carolina.

20. Dallas Cowboys

Record: Still rocking that 7-9-1!

Top needs: CB, WR, Edge, RB, LB, S, new ownership

The pick:   Avieon Terrell, my pick here in V1.0, apparently has concerns about his size, (5’11”, no more than 188), dropping him into the very late first round or early second round.  Size, no matter what she tells you, matters both in the bedroom and in the NFL, so there’s probably some truth to that.  I’m sticking with cornerback, but changing the pick to Tennessee CB Colton Hood.

21. Pittsburgh Stillers

Record: 10-7

Top needs: QB, LG, CB, WR, DT, new voodoo doll

The pick: Alabama QB Ty Simpson.  I apologize to all the Yinzers, but it’s gonna happen.*

*will not happen.  I’m a moron.

22. San Diego Chargers.  Because fuck you, that’s why.

Record: 11-6

Top needs: Edge, OL, DT, S

The pick:  I had them going O-line here in V1.0, but looking at V2.0 I seem to have sent all the top prospects elsewhere, and look here, Miami Edge Akeem Mesidor has fallen from #17 in V1.0 and he fits the top need for the Chargers.  These things just write themselves!

They don’t write themselves at all.  I write them.  Which is why all the picks are wrong.

23. Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 11-6

Top needs: RG, CB, TE, RT, LG, S

The pick:  The latest rumor, (source, I saw it on the ESPN crawl while watching playoff hockey), is that the Eagles are expected to trade AJ Brown to the fahckin’ Pats, but for salary cap reasons not until after June 1st.  I also heard a theory on WEEI this afternoon that the Eagles agreed to let the Patriots leak that information so their fans would have something to talk about beside Mike Vrable getting caught canoodling with Diana Russini.  I kinda doubt that’s true, but it is funny to think that it might be.

That said, while the Eagles need O-line help, and while most of the mocks I’ve read have them taking O-line here, I’m going to zig while everyone else zags and find a replacement for AJ Brown.  The pick here is Indiana WR Omar Cooper.  When was the last time Indiana had two first-round picks?  Beats the hell out of me, but I’ve got a shiny copper here says that Brocky knows.

24. Cleveland Browns (from Jaguars)

Record: 5-12, still

Top needs: QB, OL, CB, WR, LB

The pick:  Georgia LB CJ Allen.  Another pick I don’t have to change.  Note that the latest mocks have them going O-line.

25. Da Bears!

Record: 13-4

Top needs: CB, Edge, DT, S, LB

The pick:  I was going to give them Tennessee CB Jermod McCoy here, but then I read this article.  McCoy’s a CB who’s already had one knee surgery and may need another.  That’s the gist of the article, but click on it anyway so the author gets a few pennies.  We’ve all got bills to pay.  So now I’m inclined to think McCoy drops out of the first round all together, and then Dallas will draft him in the second round round, everyone will praise Ol’ Double J for being a genius, McCoy will be great for two years, and Dallas still won’t get past Wild Card Weekend anyway.

Oh right, who are the Bears taking?

I am torn between taking a WR, which you’ll note is nowhere in their listed needs, and letting Ben Johnson and Caleb Williams let their freak flag fly, but in the end I don’t have the guts.  So I’m down to sticking with Peter Woods, my V1.0 pick, but he seems to not be showing up in many mocks and might be slipping.  Instead I’m going for sorta, kinda, not really hometown boy and taking Missouri Edge Zion Young here.

26. Buffalo Bills

Record: 12-5

Top needs: EDGE, LG, C, WR, DT, CB, LB

The pick:  Ohio State DT  Kayden McDonald.  It’s their 5th listed need but I keep going back to how godawful their run defense was last year, at least when I had them as my fantasy defense, so I want them to address the middle.  It’s either Woods or McDonald for me here, and McDonald had the better year.  Also Woods apparently has the dreaded short arms.

27. Santa Clara 49ers

Record: 12-5

Top needs: WR, LG, DT, C, CB

The pick:  Texas A&M WR KC Concepcion.  Still don’t like this team.  That photo of the Dwight Clark catch Doc posted a few days back ain’t helping.

28. Houston Texans

Record: 12-5

Top needs: RG, DT, RB, S, RT, C

The pick:  Alabama OT Kadyn Proctor.  Fits the top need, seems to be slipping slightly in the latest mocks, but really no need to slip any farther.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (from Los Angeles Rams)

Record: 6-11

Top needs: CB, FS, RB, Edge, WR

The pick:  Tennessee CB Jermod McCoy.  He would have been Top-10 before his knee surgery, he fills their top need, and let’s face it, Andy Reid isn’t afraid of risky picks.  And at least McCoy hasn’t killed anyone.

30. Miami Dolphins

Record: 7-10

Top needs: QB, Edge, WR, CB, RG

The pick:  Clemson CB Aveion Terrell.  We got a receiver at #11, we’re not taking a QB here, and the top edge guys seem to be gone.  Cornerback seems to be the best option, and if Terrell’s size has caused him to drop a bit, #30 also seems like a good time to overlook that and fill a need.

31. New England Patriots

Record: 14-3, Super Bowl Not Champs

Top needs: EDGE, S, RT, C, TE, DT (nose), LT

The pick:  If the rumors surrounding the Patriots are true then a) Mike Vrabel is a big ol’ whore and b) this pick will probably be whoever the Eagles tell them to take before shipping AJ Brown up to Providence, which is actually far closer to Foxboro than Boston is, but good fucking luck telling that to any Pats fan.  Let’s all close our eyes and make believe they’re keeping this pick, however, and if they are I can see them ignoring Clemson DT Peter Woods having short arms, just like they ignored that with Will Campbell and that…well, that didn’t work out at all, although Campbell getting absolutely ass-blasted in the Super Duper Bowl may have had more to do with a bad knee than it did his impression of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  OK, maybe they’ll be a little gun shy on that.

Anyway, dipping into a few mocks, every one I looked at had the Patriots taking Texas A&M Edge Cashius Howell here, except for this one, from a disgruntled Eagles fan, that is pretty funny and worth a read.

32. Seattle Seahawks

Record: 14-3 Super Bowl Champs!

Top needs: CB, EDGE, RB, S, RG

The pick:  Seattle only has four picks, so this pick is likely to get moved for more picks in later rounds.  Here’s a suggestionhttps://sports.mynorthwest.com/nfl/seattle-seahawks/2026-seattle-seahawks-mock-draft-trade-and-6-picks/1846205 where Rikki’s Raiders give up three picks, a gently used set of multi-sided dice, a torn and bloodied Richie Incognito jersey, and some scratched My Chemical Romance vinyls for this pick.  Which they will then presumably waste. If they don’t trade the pick the feeling seems to be that they’ll draft Notre Dame RB Jadarian Price, and also that he’s a reach they could get in the second round, and therefore even more reason to trade the pick.