Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 9, 2023 Season

We’uns approximately 50% of the way through the NFL regular season.  Week 9 brought pills, thrills, and bellyaches – just maybe not exactly where you expected to find them*.

*Grandson Bronco REALLY likes to knock Precious Pill Bottle off the nightstand.  Good thing the little maniac is cute (pay no attention to the equally maniacal fatass human beside him).

Yes, we started in Frankfurt, Germany with the Match of the Day (on paper) – Mahomes against Tua!  TayTay’s boo against Tyreek!  Aaaaaaand…they all kind of were just there.  No real fireworks, apart from the bananacakes fumble return-with-lateral play that gave the Chefs a 21-nil lead at the half.  It was a good thing they made that late score count, because they were absolutely DONE playing offense.  Tua was able (with Col. Mostert’s help) to claw back to within 7, but no further.  LOLfins had two chances at a tying/winning drive late, but never really threatened.  KC’s defense bowed its back, and held on for the boring 21-14 win.

Hey, remember amongst all last week’s word salad where I ranted about the SeaTruthers’ run of bullshit luck?  Ran out a bit sooner and more dramatically than expected, perhaps.  They traveled east to Prior DFOcon host Baltimore – and absolutely got trucked.  Everybody got into the Ratbirds’ fun (except Zay Flowers, because FML).  Sommet called Keaton Mitchell scored.  OBJ’s walking corpse scored.  TYLER HUNTLEY passed him that TD.  37-3, and it easily could have been worse.

Similar in quality disparity, Clayton Tune’s NFL debut for the Qards in Believeland.  I’mma go out on a limb and say…he won’t get a 2nd.  They could have played another 60 minutes, and Arizona wouldn’t have scored.  Even #ThePauls couldn’t Paul this one up, 27-nil final (despite sleepwalking most of the day).

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! also traveled east, also played its woefully unprepared backup QB (old Donks farmhand Brett Rypien).  By comparison, Jordan Love looked like Bart Starr.  20-3, Packers.  This was a very uninteresting game of FITBAW.  Thank fuck it was the crowded, early window.

But you know how it goes.  When the names don’t give us much, we get entropy from hell from the oddball corners of the FITBAW-verse.  And not all emergency quartered backs are fodder for feasting defenses.  Well, Jalen Hall was sort of fodder, getting concussed early inside the 1.  Oh my, that means Black Powder had to come in, despite barely having been in town 72 hours.  He wasn’t flawless by any means.  But dude is a gamer and then some, and in the magical confines of Megatron’s Butthole – guts was enough (as the FMJ drill sergeant would have appreciated).  SKOL scored enough to hang around, and gave the offense one last chance, down 24-28.  Black Powder scrambled, took hits, got no help from the running game (Cam Akers – who was also the emergency wildcat QB – left with an ankle owie), and won the game with a dart to Brandon Powell (who I kept thinking was Dalvin Cook).  31-28, Minny improves to 5-4 and improbably in playoff contention.  Wow.

But that wasn’t the game of the window, no.  THAT honoUr belonged to the bananacakes QB duel between noted Hall of Famers…CJ Stroud and Baker Mayfield.  This game also feautured an emergency kicker for the 500s, after a Fairbairn injury.  It wasn’t the punter, mind.  No – 4th string RB/special teamer Dare Ogunbowale kicked em head-on, adequately enough on kickoffs.  They avoided placements until unavoidable, when he drilled the go-ahead FG on 4th and goal from the 11.  33-30, until Baker made his own magic.  They didn’t settle for the FG and OT, but they got their TD with 0:46 on the clock.  Enough time for Stroud to set the all-time rookie, single-game passing record.  Enough time to have two shots at the end zone from the 15, after an amazing deep out completion to Tank Dell.  Though he’d only need one shot, his 5th score of the game.  Wisely, they took a knee to preserve the 39-37 win.  Yeah, he just might be for reals.  What a fucking game.  Between two of the League’s most (usually) forgettable teams.

Chi**** looked frisky early in N’Awlins, but eventually the speed of the game overwhelmed Tyson Bagent.  Poor dude committed 4 turnovers in the 24-17 loss, and only the Saints’ offensive mediocrity kept it from getting out of hand.  Strawberry Fields won’t have to worry about replacing a cult hero for the TNF schiesse-case against the Black Panthers.

Washington waved the white flag at the trade deadline, but The Legend of White Mac was too awful for it to matter.  Commies go on the road and win, 20-17.  Pretty much the only plays I can remember were P*ts fuckups.  It would have been more enjoyable had the benefit gone to a different franchise.

Arizona, Seattle, and LA (hey, division mates!) set a really low bar in the early window…but the Vertically Enhanced Persons and Black Panthers gamely crawled under it.  Charlotte trailed the Fat Humps 20-3 at the half.  Bryce Young had like 10 yards passing.  TOTAL.  New York was at least on the road, but 24-nil down to the freaking Raiders.  Dimebag was terrible, then hurt himself.  Avert thine eyes from the rest.  OK, Indy won 27-13, Vegas 30-6.

That left only Dallas at Philly in the late window, which was at least competitive (if not artistically gorgeous).  Sure got exciting late, as Philly lost its ability to so much as make a first down, after they got up 11.  It looked like DAL had a TD on 4th down, but VAR showed the TE’s knee hitting when the ball was still half a yard short.  PHI got 5 yards, punted.  It took DAK DAK DAK DAK about 40 seconds to get that TD after all, then seemingly run in for two…but his foot hit the chalk before he could stretch the ball over the plane.  28-23, a game of iliteral nches redux.  After yet another immediate punt, the Iggles pass rush finally got home a few times, then broke up the 4th and 8 pass.

But those plucky N-GCp still had 3 timeouts, and D’Andre Swift had his own butt fumble on 3rd down and 7.  Rookie RG recovered it though, and the ensuing punt rolled ded at the DAL 14, 46 ticks on the clock.

Three defensive penalties later, it was 1st and 5 at the PHI 6, with 27 seconds still on the clock.  But that DL had one more sack in them (PHRASING), Bluebunny got a delay of game with 5 seconds to play….and we had one last play all the way back at the 27.  CeeDee Lamb got his 150th catch on the day, and inside the 5…but he didn’t have any room to maneuver and Gangrene holds on for a nervy-as-fuck 28-23 win.  This would have had to damned near kill one, if not a neutral viewer.

Whew.  One last spin in the mandatorium, with WKRP and the Bills Mafia just hoping to finish the game this year, and not have some poor bastard die on the pitch.  Mission accomplished! writes Hippo in advance.  Anyway, I’mma take a hot shower and watch the 2nd half in bed.  Y’all all knew this was an obligatory watch, why should I recap in full?  WKRP up 21-7 and seemingly in control, but we’ve seen Brokeback turn on a dime before.