Live On Periscope: Tío Salamanca Gives Fantasy Draft Strategy

[3:30 sunlight shines into nursing home room with top production values.]

Door Flies Open: Oh, Tío! Who knew that underneath your insatiable bloodlust there was an equally intense passion for fantasy football…

DFO: Is it true that the Flex position was invented by a mule who ran with you back in Juárez?

Tío Salamanca: DingDingDingDing.

Nurse: Don’t ever mention [whispers] sssppnnn prsnnl.

DFO: No, no! Just making small talk.

Nurse: Let me put on your robe, Mr. Salamanca. Unnnnhhh… There. And I’ll take your hat, thank. You! Every freakin’ day I tell him… Indoors! [sighs] I’ll be back later.

DFO: Cool. Thanks.

[Nurse leaves]

DFO: Let me set [THUNK] this here… Is that OK with you? Mr. Salamanca, could you face…

DFO: Yeah. Right there. So how about we… OK, let’s do this: 1 tap for “Yes”, 2 taps for “No”. What do you say?

Tío Salamanca: […]

DFO: Do? You?  Understand. Yes, 1 tap. No…

Tío Salamanca: Ding. Ding.

DFO: You take me for an idiot, don’t you?

Tío Salamanca: DIIIINGGGGGGGG

DFO: [Through gritted teeth] Ha ha. I like hemiplegic humor. It’s uplifting.

Tío Salamanca: [Snorting]

DFO: Tío, let’s talk FF. Should one draft a quarterback in the late first round or early second?

Tío Salamanca: [Slowly stroking bell…] Dinngg.

DFO: Well yeah. Of course it depends. I was thinking about, uh… Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisb—

Tío Salamanca: Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

DFO: Ben definitely no. What about Rodgers?

Tío Salamanca: Di Ding.

DFO: Jordy Nelson? There is no way that right now he is in football shap–

Tío Salamanca: DING. Di Di Ding.

DFO: I don’t know what the fuck “football shape” means either. But there’s no way to know if Nelson’s gonna be the same player right away. But maybe with Jared Cook…

Tío Salamanca: DinDin Ding. DINDING.

DFO: I know! Right? Talk about a flyer. He has the hands of a young Roberto Durán. Where do you think he’ll go, which round?

Tío Salamanca: Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding […] DINGGG…

DFO: Huh. I though at least tenth, but in Green Bay, you may be right. What about Gronk: first round?

Tío Salamanca: Ding di din ding DINGDING

DFO: For real? That’s four games with Jimmy G, and anyway several other tight ends provide decent points week in and week out. I don’t think there’ll be that big a dropoff after Gronk.

Tío Salamanca: DIIIN.

DFO: I see what you’re saying, but there’s two sides to that. I’ll mull that one over. Anyway, what about running backs and wide receivers? I would load on quality wide receivers and have one good back.

Tío Salamanca: [Snorts]

DFO: What do you mean? There’s more spots to fill at receiver, plus there’s a higher number of decent 2s and 3s that will get more targets as the season progresses. And there’s, what, 15-18 running backs you can count on for 10+ games? The rest of the RB crop is like a huge underwear discount table with a couple of Calvin Kleins with torn packaging buried way down. Makes you wish Joseph Randle was around.

Tío Salamanca: di

DFO: Hey, I’m just thinking out loud. Take it easy! I certainly didn’t come here to get any lip from you.

DFO: No offense. But hey, you don’t agree? Good: let’s have a debate. I’ll give you five minutes.

Tío Salamanca: [Cracks knuckles, inhales] DI—

 [Nurse enters, puts hand on bell]

Nurse: Mr. Salamanca. It’s 3:50 and you still aren’t bathed. And you there, either help or leave now.

DFO: I don’t think genitals are the stuff of fantasy [coughing]… Sorry. Football.

Tío Salamanca: Ding Ding Ding Ding

Nurse: Well, I leave at 4, so Aspen will have to do it. ?You know how much he likes Tío, and Tío loooves Aspen?

Nurse: [To DFO] Take two stud RBs if given the chance, then a bunch of receivers. Several No. 1 WRs will fall off.

[Nurse leaves]

DFO: What do you think?

Tío Salamanca: Ding.

DFO: Not that. I meant… Aspen’s a guy? I thought it was a woman’s name.

Tío Salamanca: dingding

DFO: Now now, I’m not being sexist, but you do have a point about Seattle. But if you handcuff Michael to Rawls, that bye week’s a guaranteed L. What about kickers?

Tío Salamanca: [Discrete wanking motion with fingers]

DFO: So you have micropenia; big deal. There’s no tail in this place

DFO: I’m sorry. That was a low blow. Then again, heh, you’d feel nothing if I hit you… Stop being so negative! This is fun. Huh?

Tío Salamanca: [Snorting]

DFO: […]

Tío Salamanca: [Slides thumb to bottom of the bell, hits top with index finger] DICK

DFO: OK. I’ll finish up. What about the defense / special teams. Think the new kickoff rule will be a factor?

Tío Salamanca: DingDing. Ding.

DFO: Sorry I didn’t get that.

Tío Salamanca: Ding. Ding. […] Ding.

DFO: How so?

Tío Salamanca: Ding Ding dingding

DFO: That is kinda nuts.

Tío Salamanca: Ding diding. Ding diding. Dinggg.

DFO: I don’t appreciate you twisting my words. I just didn’t see it at first. Anyway, tell me a good D.

DFO: You uh… Do you have acid reflux? Something wrong with your mandib—oh, the Jets!

Tío Salamanca: Ding.

DFO: Huh, I was thinking more of Seattle, Arizona, Denver, Miami…

Tío Salamanca: DI ING.

DFO: Look, we’re talking about fantasy points, not who’s the best. Hey, I’m in a league that awards mad points for defense.

Tío Salamanca: [Blows raspberry]

DFO: Oh, a purist. Whatever. Hey it’s four ten, so I uh… Good to meet you [gets up, extends hand, recoils]

DFO: Ugh. You know, adult diapers are not an indignity.

Tío Salamanca: DiNGGG

DFO: You’re a bastard. Poor Ass Spin.

POSTSCRIPT: There are two spaces left on Sill’s [DFO Insanity League 2], Where Defense Matters A Fuckload Moar Than Usual (patent pending). Here’s the link to join.

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