So they finally posted all the rumbles (the last one took a week to repost because they fucked up the sponsor stuff in post or else this would have been up in a timely manner dammit), so hell with it, let’s do one last write-up! Not only that, but you can watch all eight fights (including the televised rumble) from the finale on Youtube. So make way for one last bit of bot-kicking. The Box is locked, the lights are on, it’s robot rumble time!

First up… no, first up, let’s take a minute to remember the last true rumble, the Season 5 heavyweight rumble. This is why we can’t have fifteen robots in the arena at one time anymore. Nightmare was chipping into Junkyard Offspring, but do you see those things falling down early in the fight in their general direction? That’s because a tooth from Nightmare’s blade broke off and went through the ceiling and landed in the crowd. That is a serious arena breach and if someone had gotten injured by that tooth a whole lot of people would have been in a whole lot of deep shit. We would not have any BattleBots at all. Nightmare had to spin down for the rest of the rumble because of it and the rest of them that year (which was the last Comedy Central season) were cancelled, further continuing that if there’s a major safety concern during a fight, Jim Smentowski had something to do with it. (Jamie Hyneman’s Blendo sending pieces of his pre-BattleBots robot Hercules flying meant that there needed to be high walls, Nightmare had to spin in reverse in its first tournament and is why there are ceilings, the rumble’s why BattleBots won’t put more than three bots in the Box.)

Death Roll vs. Bucktooth Burl vs. Skorpios: The first rumble had, I guess, an animal theme or croc vs. beaver vs. scorpion?

How they did in the tournament: They didn’t get to the bracket portion, so not well. Death Roll got destroyed in the prelims by Captain Shrederator (I’m both surprised and impressed they were in any shape to even fight this rumble, good for them), Bucktooth Burl’s drum never spun up and they lost to Chrome Fly in the no-doubt Fight of the Year a snoozefest, and Skorpios officially lost to Black Ice but in actuality lost to the screws in the Gears Awaken rumbles by driving into them and getting stuck and sawing away until the ref told them to stop because the screws were getting damaged and they had been counted out, and the Gears Awaken fights aren’t on Youtube to my knowledge.

When the lights came on, it seemed that Death Roll didn’t know what shape their blade would be in so they started coming in tail first. This wasn’t the world’s greatest idea since it’s not Bronco’s ass wedge and Warhead (the bot Death Roll reminded me most of) would not come in tail-first. Bucktooth Burl, now having its weapon working, actually looked pretty decent, and Skorpios seemed to have fixed the driving issues it had against Black Ice and Bad Kitty. Its saw wasn’t the same one it used against the screws though, and was a little easier to stop as a result. Once Death Roll’s blade actually started it showed it was also effective, doing damage to Bucktooth’s tires (even though the tires are tough, apparently made of multiple sheets of rubber).

Death Roll started taking its serious damage as the first minute ended as successive shots from Bucktooth and Skorpios took out the croc’s head, and another shot from Bucktooth got it caught on the rails. From then on it was a two-bot fight but every once in a while someone went to try and probably get Death Roll off the wall but only pinned it further and flipped it over and damaged it more.

Bucktooth vs. Skorpios looked a little like SawBlaze vs. Razorback with the drum slamming into the wedge and the wedge pushing and shoving and controlling, and the saw getting damaged. But unlike SawBlaze and Razorback, the continued hits from Skorpios took its toll on Bucktooth. Skorpios (I believe) wins this one.

Overhaul vs. Road Rash vs. SawBlaze: We got a grudge match! Last year Team JACD built Overhaul, the grappler that split with Lock-Jaw but won the more important fight in the first round before losing a sumo match against eventual champ Bite Force. I’m not sure what happened, but the four builders went their separate ways for Season 2. Charles Guan and Equals Zero Robotics kept Overhaul and gave it a snazzy white and blue anime paintjob; S1 driver Adam Bercu (the guy who didn’t shake Donald Hutson’s hand) built Brutus (The Bot With the Golden Guns), the vertical spinner with the golden guns; Jamison Go captained LiMITless Robotics with SawBlaze, the bucket/dustpan sawbot; and Dane Kouttron teamed up with Frederick Moore and Team Danger 4 and Road Rash to make science great again (that’s what their caps said).

How they did in the tournament: Mixed, let’s go by the order their names were in for the original Overhaul. SawBlaze controlled its entire fight against Razorback but its saw crapped out after the first hit so all that driving and using the wedge counted for absolutely nothing, losing the fight and getting snubbed for a wild card, and got snubbed for my Stripped Screw award behind Disk O’Inferno. Brutus watched as Moebius self-destructed, then edged out Lock-Jaw on account of it used its weapon and Lock-Jaw didn’t but probably would have lost that decision in any other robot combat event because there’s no active weapon rule, before getting brutalized (heh) by Tombstone. This is probably why it wasn’t a four-way rumble even though that would have been badass, come on Greg and Trey. Overhaul got stuck on someone else’s screw and lost by KO to Cobalt, but for the second year in a row got a wild card. Then they got the back of their bot bashed in by BETA, losing by KO. Road Rash’s linear induction propulsion, tire armor, and Dead Metal weapon wasn’t enough to get them into the competition, they were an alternate that didn’t make it in, so the rumble was their debut fight.

Overhaul and Road Rash came out at each other early and you could tell Road Rash was untested. The jaws came together and the angle grinder came down on it and the puff of smoke is their weapon getting damaged and their srimech breaking (THANK YOU FOR THE POSTMORTEM SPACE PRESIDENT EVEN THOUGH YOU WON’T READ THIS). With no weapon or srimech and still trying to get their bearings Overhaul got under Road Rash and flipped it over and quickly turned this rumble to a one-on-one.

SawBlaze had the edge in the grabbing against Overhaul, it was the bigger and wider bot, and then one of the two clamping arm motors on Overhaul caught fire. SawBlaze came in to cause some mischief, but got itself slightly stuck under the weeabot, which itself was caught under the overturned Road Rash. Overhaul moved Road Rash out of the way, freeing itself and continuing the fight.

Late in the fight SawBlaze finally got its saw fully working, and we saw what we were expecting from it, pretty fireworks! A shower of sparks as it went to work on the top of Overhaul’s clamping arm. Overhaul was trying to get Road Rash back up and got as far as getting it wheels up but stuck on the rails, and SawBlaze decided to saw away at its weapon for more sparks before the fight ended. SawBlaze by unanimous decision wins the Team JACD grudge match.

Lock-Jaw vs. Ghost Raptor vs. Stinger: They called this one the Legends Rumble. Mutant Robots built the legendary BattleBots super heavyweight Diesector (two-time champ), heavyweight contender Tazbot, and post-TV had Karcas 2 which won the 2004 NPC Charity Open and the heavyweight version of Root Canal was runner-up in the 2009 Pro Championship. Team PlumbCrazy’s Sewer Snake is/was one of the greatest heavyweights of late 00’s/early ’10s, forming a Big Three along with Last Rites (guess who built it) and Late Night Racing’s Original Sin (built by Lucky’s driver Gary Gin) and middleweight Devil’s Plunger won the middleweight NPC Charity Open. And Team Raptor had one robot in the semifinals or better in each of the first six televised seasons of BattleBots.

Honestly, I would have gone with Lock-Jaw, Disk O’Inferno, and Son of Whyachi. The Infernolab won a pair of lightweight Nuts with Dr. Inferno, Jr., Son of Whyachi won the Season 3 heavyweight title, and the other legend options (Nightmare and Bronco) would have either still been fighting or got beaten to hell. Nightmare suffered extensive frame damage from the Icewave fight and wasn’t in tip-top shape even for BETA, so you knew it couldn’t go, but Team Nightmare won a Nut back in Season 1 with lightweight Backlash. And Bronco was either still in the tournament when they filmed these or ripped up from Minotaur… but they did have two full robots, so I’m guessing the former.

How they did in the tournament: Disappointingly. Lock-Jaw lost a classic to Yeti but did a fantastic job to keep the jaws on the drum, then it used a rear plow to great effect against Brutus (already linked)… but lost because that plow is considered a defensive action so Brutus got the aggression and damage points en route to the split decision. After toppling Nightmare, Stinger was upset by Mega Tento thanks to losing a wheel and being unable to overturn the bug, completely wrecking my bracket. Sabertooth Cat Ghost Raptor tried to let Son of Whyachi break the spinner on its armor, but it backfired, Ghost Raptor got its own blade lodged under its own wedge somehow, and got knocked out. Then it got suplexed by Razorback and got KOed again.

As for the rumble, first thing that happened was the tire skins on Stinger’s tires fell off. Oops. Lock-Jaw’s spring-loaded flipper was repaired, so we actually got to see it flip, and flip it did. Combine that with the jaw motion and the strategy in changing from the Diesector tried-and-true now makes sense, flip them over, and while they’re self-righting or getting their bearings back take them to the hazards, namely the screws because they’re the only useful hazard nowadays (how things have changed). This is what Lock-Jaw did early against Stinger. Meanwhile Ghost Raptors’s blade continues to give it issues, whether breaking on the first hit (last year), lodging inside the robot (this year), or recoiling into the air and taking out what looked to be one of its drive chains, more or less immobilizing it (this rumble). Meanwhile Stinger lost a tire again, this time due to a Lock-Jaw flip (Matt Maxham forgot to change out the axles from titanium heat-treated test not-for-battle axles against Mega Tento, don’t know if they were still there). Once the wheel came off the wedge wasn’t quite right so Stinger just kept going over Lock-Jaw, which would give it a shot with the flipper jaw, and if set up right, would close the jaw over Stinger and take it to the screws. Lather, rinse, repeat for the last minute or so of the fight. Cut and dry decision here, Lock-Jaw, Esq., by unanimous decision takes it.

Bad Kitty vs. OverDrive vs. The Ringmaster: The Daughters’ Rumble, since all three teams have their daughters of the builders on the team taking part—Katie Mason operates the minibot on Bad Kitty, Carissa Carlberg operates OverDrive’s spinning bar, and Hannah Rucker drives The Ringmaster.

How they did in the tournament: They could have gone farther. Bad Kitty, a re-skin of the great Vertical Disc of Destruction was upset by Black Ice in the Gears Awaken rumbles. OverDrive’s weapon stopped after one hit and was upset by Escape Velocity in the prelims, landing on its bar because Escape Velocity could only really gingerly lift it. The Ringmaster made quick work of Ultimo Destructo in the prelims, but took a big hit early from defending champ Bite Force which made the ring stop spinning and lost in a unanimous decision.

All three bots got their respective weapons up to speed and the two vertical spinners Bad Kitty and OverDrive came at each other first. Bad Kitty won the exchange as you saw its power taking an orange piece off of OverDrive before overturning it. But the cat didn’t end up on its feet and in its attempt to self-right went right into the ring spinner of The Ringmaster, which killed a drive, put it on its back, and it stayed there. OverDrive’s bar looked dead and it couldn’t self-right but could still move, so Ringmaster took care of it, taking out a piece of tire and sending some other pieces flying. I think they took some weapon damage (according to Hal Rucker they need to fix the current spike after big hits because the motor shuts down) but OverDrive was being counted out. The Ringmaster by KO.

Splatter vs. The Disk O’Inferno vs. RotatoR: They can’t all have themes, and at one point they took the video down from Facebook AND YouTube. So we can call this the “Oh god I hope I get to watch it a second time to properly critique it” rumble, I guess. Or it’s finally up so it can be the “About time, this took a goddamn week and change” rumble.

How they did in the tournament: Bounced in the prelims. Splatter couldn’t get under Warrior and lost unanimously, Disk O’ lost a split decision to Chomp after controlling much of the fight with its lifter and was the most notable wild card snub (winning my Stripped Screw award, which means as much as Whose Line points), and RotatoR went out in about six seconds to Witch Doctor.

Gentlemen, start your spinners for the “Senor wanted to complete this in a timely fashion but whoops” rumble. That’s what all three bots did, but Disk O’ also decided to come in back lifter first into RotatoR’s lower disc to mixed results. Splatter’s vertical disc didn’t seem to spin that quickly, and I don’t exactly love the lifter/vertical spinner combo because it seems like each is counter-productive to the other. But Disko’s rush news sent RotatoR spinning into Splatter which pushed it around over Disk O’s disc. Disk O’ was able to push with the lifter and might have killed one of RotatoR’s blades, leading the palindrome bot to do one of the most famous moves in Robot Wars, the 13 Black two-blade spin. This worked because Disk O’ got under the not-spinning one… only to get clobbered by the bottom spinning one which took off a piece of the disk. You could also finally see the damage RotatoR did to the armor on Splatter, because kevlar doesn’t do too great against spinning discs. Maybe because of this Splatter went after the now apostrophe-less Disk O, flipping it over. The lifter had been damaged from its run-ins with RotatoR so it had self-righting difficulties.

It seemed that RotatoR’s discs had finally stopped, and Splatter got it on the side but it was able to drive off there. Splatter had chances to pin it but didn’t take the opportunities when RotatoR was on its side. Splatter went to lift Disk O a couple times and this might have also been a mistake because RotatoR got one of its discs back up to speed and continued to tear a new one in Splatter’s side. Then it became a little more urgent for Splatter to get Disk O back up because RUN AWAY! It worked because Disk O was wheels up and pushed itself away, but then RotatoR closed the distance and took out one of Splatter’s wheels. And then started taking other pieces off too. And did enough to Disk O to mess up the drive on its back wheels because it drove straight for a little once the lifter pushed the back off the ground. The good news for everyone else is RotatoR stopped spinning and it went back into 13 Black mode, and that’s basically how the fight ended. RotatoR wins by unanimous decision, meanwhile unrelated points to Jason Bardis (captain of The Infernolab and the guy in the full disco garb, not just the t-shirt) for moving and grooving while Faruq gave the results from the judges.

So that really, truly does it for this season of BattleBots. I’ve already thanked who I need to thank last time, so thank you again, people who know who they are. Please join me next time for something that isn’t fighting robots. Nothing left for me to do, so I guess… PLAY ME OFF BANDLEADER BITE FORCE!

Bite Force: IT’S HARD PLAYING SAXOPHONE WITH A VERTICAL BAR BUT I BEAT IT BY KO. ALL RIGHT LET’S RUMBLE, ONE TWO THREE FOUR!