I did a Colts preview a few years ago (I think it’s a relevant read) and, the days being COVID (well, there’s a virus and then I guess it’s actually still around. I just can’t seem to get any space in line anywhere anymore so, you know, hooray for vaccinations setting up our old-ass population to decide 2024!!!) at the time I thought, this will bring me in to a new team and give me some interest in other NFL markets. Instead, it showed me I’m in Arizona and, somehow, the grass isn’t any greener on the other side. And that the greatest overarchingest theme of the NFL being, “ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN”, I’m outsourcing the meat-and-potatoes preview work to Bard (I know it’s Gemini; I don’t acquiesce to commercial name changes):

Colts fans, buckle up! This season promises to be a thrilling ride. Rookie quarterback Anthony Richardson brings a tantalizing blend of athleticism and arm strength, but he’s still a work in progress. Expect dazzling plays alongside rookie mistakes as he navigates the NFL learning curve.

This young, energetic team mirrors its QB’s journey. They’re hungry to prove themselves, playing with a fearless, risk-taking style that embodies a new era of Colts football. Coach Shane Steichen’s expertise in developing young quarterbacks will be crucial, as will a strong performance from the defense to alleviate pressure on the offense.

Realistically, the road ahead is challenging. The Colts face a tough schedule, and a .500 season seems like a reasonable expectation. However, if Richardson excels early, the defense steps up, and the team gels quickly, a playoff push isn’t out of the question.

The AFC South is up for grabs, making every game a crucial battle. This season is about building for the future, laying the groundwork for a successful new era in Indianapolis. Embrace the ups and downs, cheer on this young team, and witness the exciting evolution of Colts football!

I mean, Anthony Richardson was hurt enough last year that he’s generously a work in progress and probably will make rookie mistakes this year. And the things that are known about Shane Stichen are included here — but otherwise, I think this is a pretty evergreen Colts template to be bookmarked by whoever takes over the Gravy Train next year.
“So blax,” they all ask in unison, “what do feel about the Colts in 2024? And why did I make this so easy on myself your handsome self?”

Because I’m an island guy now, bruddah. Now, see that blue? That’s a blue that reminds me of the Indianapolis Colts.

I haven’t seen any Colts Hawaii shirts this trip but I also haven’t been out much. But I have found one thing to be true about Hawaiian shirt — they’re good for fatties. So we found our connection.

I think Colts fans would be wise to get away from their traditional blue and white Peyton Manning jersey routine and shake things up with some quality threads while visiting the islands this NFL season. Threads that, specifically, represent their team and their local identity.

But that just makes fun. In reality, Indianapolis fans stick pretty close to home so they’d probably go with the team shop issued Tommy Bahama shirt

Tell me you could think up a better Under-8.5 Wins (-130) shirt for a true WNBA city. But it’s the wise fan who can finally relax a little and add a shirt to his wardrobe without buttons on the collar.

My suggestions for Colts gear to wear to Hawaii for each some Weeks in 2024?

Week 2 at GB (Obviously the superfans in Indianapolis are going to have tickets for their home games)

Relax in top-to-toe style with this full Colts ensemble. Nothing subtle here. If you don’t know what this guys body is talking about — in Hawaiian — by the time you’re done pissing next to this dude in a humid public bathroom, you fucked up! Colts win and go 2-0.

Week 5 at JAX

Even after the league expands to 48 teams and 52 games a season, the Jacksonville Jaguars will be The Expansion Team. This relaxing piece notes the Colts iconic Horseshow logo, big brother status, and their 1963 inception history. Colts win and go 5-0.

Week 6 at TEN

Because this game is going to be a walk. Colts go to 6-0.

Week 8 at HOU

Texans are the favorite for the division. Gloves off. Minimal tropical vibes and maximum competitive cyclone vibes. Hit it! 8-0 for the Shoe.

Week 9 at MIN

You expect the Colts to look bad here so you figure this is the week to dress like a dick in Hawaii. Well, think how bad it’s gonna be when the Colts are blasting the Vikings in the ass and you’re at the bar trying to talk shit wearing pacifist baseball NFL gear? Colts win and hit 9-0.

Week 11 at NYJ

By Week 9, Richardson will be hobbling and the Colts will return to handing the ball off to Jonathon Taylor in lieu of leaning on Joe Flacco’s diminished skills. And that’s a winning formula against the Jets! Colts to 11-0.

Week 13 at NE

I never recommend competing over patriotism; it kind of underscores the brotherhood of the engagement. But if you are going to compete over patriotism — win. And have a demon face included. This one is a cakewalk through Gillette Stadium as the Colts enter a late bye at 13-0.

Week 14 BYE

It’s your week to relax and catch some rays on Sunday, Colts fans! Bye week so you know what that means — your style is in so Fanantics has brought back….buttons on the collar! Have a Hula Pie with Gravy Instead of Chocolate Syrup this week because it’s good to be on top.

Week 15 at DEN

People forget Hawaii is about more than just the beaches and flowers and food; Hawaii is the home of surfing while Denver is starting to show up as kind of an overrated place to live (just sayin’). Colts fans still don’t get the hype around Sean Peyton and the team surfs to 15-0.

Week 17 at NYG

When it’s time to talk shit, talk some shit. Colts are gonna walk in to the Jets stadium and embarrass the home Giants to a 17-0 regular season.

But then they’ll lose in the post-season.