Instant Hippo Thoughts – Shitsmas 2016 Edition

Holy fuck, that was an intense Christmas Eve afternoon, eh? Makes me kinda wish cigarettes did anything for me, so I could have one and come down a little bit.

A big Hippo Thanks! to Sam Bradford and Adam Thielen for patiently waiting their turns on my fantasy playoffs (locked) bench, and delivering in the clutch. You will forever be garbage time heroes in my pill-addled mind.

In real life, the Packers looked like steamrollers again, and will visit Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny next weekend (likely flexed to the night game) for the NFC North crown. Aaron Rodgers is really fucking good.

Also really fucking good? David Johnson, as he proved in a bananas fucking late fixture, scoring thrice then setting up the game winning FG with a ridiculous route and catch. I must admit, when Hauschka sha’nkhored the extra point at 31-31 with 1:00 left, I surely envisioned another, weirder version of the early season 6-6 tie in the desert. But Johnson and Canyonero were having none of it.

Cancel the parade, shop stewards of The Factory. Josh Lambo is no Canyonero in the scramble 45-yard FG drill, and the Femur Drums can begin to beat at a fevered intensity. There Will Be Blood.

Buffalo racked up approximately 8,000 yards against the LOLfins, but your favourite aquamarine fraudsters survived in OT, because of course they did. Forcing OT with a scramble drill FIFTY-five yarder is damned impressive. Maybe Ryan’s charges should have tried to block the low knuckler instead of being cheeky with the time out timing.

Todd Bowles climbed out of his hospital bed to “coach” his “team” against the P*ts, in a game that featured a late Gangrene FG to cut the deficit to 3-41. It was like watching a crazed hobo murder a kitten with a puppy. RedZone kept-a showin’ it, though.

Speaking of the P*ts…shit got wrapped up for them real nice with the deaths of Marcus Mariota and Derek Carr. Adding insult to injury, the Titans also lost the game, and their playoff chances, to the lowly Jags. Their 4th quarter featured a CasselVANIA pick six. Expect to see more of that against YOOUUUUUSTON next weekend.

Oakland at least managed to finish out an 8-point win over the Humps, but they are going nowhere with Matt McGloin at QB.

The moral of the story being…as much as Miami seemed like they weren’t super eager to go into the playoffs with Matt Moore…one can do a metric fuckton worse than Matt Moore as your backup QB.

Everybody on the NFLN morning show seemed super high on Rapey Jameis and the Bucs, so I guess it’s not that surprising they laid a turd in the Superdome. With that loss, the Falcons (winners over a “mailed it in after the win in DC” Panthers side) clinched the NFC South.

Those wacky Redacteds also benefit from the Tampa loss, along with their own easy road win over Da Bearistocrats. They don’t exactly control their own destiny, but I would put as significantly more probable than not that 9-6-1 would suffice.

Not that one should ignore the Great Battle FOAR California today, a rivalry that resembled a Dodgers/Gigantes game, except that nobody in the stadium gave a tin shit except Fatass Chip and his teacher’s pets on the sideline getting unsportsmanlike penalties late. Yes, Ram It!! did indeed blow a 21-7 lead with 6 and change to play, with SF making a 2 pointer with 0:27 left then intercepting a sad Goff duck to salt it away. Yes, that makes a series sweep, and that should REALLY embarrass any so-called professional organization to be on the receiving end of THAT from Chip Kelly, NFL varietal. The real beauty in RedZone Channel is getting to see weird-ass shit like that.

Cincinnati hung around for awhile, but eventually (with some Fat Kicker failure help) their offense shone through as demonstrably more putrid than Tom Savage’s unit. Hee hee. Tom Savage’s unit. The AFC South is thusly decided.