Species Name: GMesis Shivathal (rhymes with Nemesis AND Genesis). However NONE EVER LOOK LIKE HER. But we view them as so due to their magical powers.
Individual Names: Balkeballtarkomous (extinct), Joneszilla (unkillable owner hybrid), Slingbladeus (um…incriminating evidence?), Grigsonelle (extinct)
From: Boardroom Scarface binges, Dartboard throws, “Hey he knows the owner!”
Descended from/Spawned by: Unclear. Nepotism helps many to evolve Pokemon style. However for most observed failing upward makes this species unique. See above.
Original habitat: Coattails, Equipment Manager offices. “I was ok in middle school” can be heard frequently.
Lifespan: Oddly long. Appear mostly safe from catastrophe until their shelters are burnt flat.
Height: Varies, dependent on how much exposure they provide to those that can gain access.
Weight: Varied. Gnat-like to Incalculable.
Position: Yes-man to Lord God of All
Primary Ability: Creating Snowpiercer or The Little Engine That Never
Secondary Ability: Acquiring shiny useless trinkets, denying present circumstances for their ideal future, which given their lifespan is foolhardy.
Why are they in the news: It is that yearly time where the ones who haven’t died must justify their continued existence. The words “draft” and “free agency” appear in force now.
Likes: Prospects, projects, shiny fragile things. Being bought out.
Dislikes: Dependability, Outperformance, inherited success/issues
Preferred Method of Worship: “So I get however much we’re under the cap right?”
What scouts are saying:
- Force multiplier: does nothing, wins, genius.
- Loses, fires everyone, gets four years to rebuild while everything burns. Gets fired, next one has to shovel the ashes.
- Impressively impervious to nearly everything
- Seen from the outside as fresh air, everyone inside asphyxiates.
Immediate Impact: Sadness while the magical “program” is implemented. Years of your life are immediately gone. Keep smoking, this league has a higher death rate.
Down the road: Except in rare cases, more sadness until the next board meeting brings another victim who wants millions to be let go.
Let us also observe the coach hybrid version that almost never succeeds yet always replicates in the wild.
I have recurring nightmares about fondant. Thanks for this
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/dirtybird1.gif
That is one of my favorites for a while.
“Feels good where my balls used to be.”
http://oi68.tinypic.com/iggeap.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkCUlJQcoUc
http://cdn.gifbay.com/2014/09/damn_nature_you_scary-150674.gif
HAS EVERYBODY DONE THEIR FOOD SHOPPING FOR THE WEEKEND?!?!?
http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/10/damn_nature_you_scary-4166.gif
http://www.geekbinge.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Its-Always-Sunny-God-Damn-It.gif
This gif is perfect in almost every way.
“Original Habitat: coat tails”
This killed me.