We rejoin our three (3? Yeah, 3!) heroes as tWBS and balls are pitching their tents (phrasing) at a campsite in Joshua Tree National Park. It’s characterized by rugged rock formations and stark desert landscapes. Named for the region’s twisted, bristled Joshua trees,

the park straddles the cactus-dotted Colorado Desert and the Mojave Desert, which is higher and cooler.

tWBS (to balls):  Did you call me?

balls:  No.

tWBS:  Sorry.  You said “higher and cooler” so I just thought….

balls:  I get that you would answer to “twisted and bristled”…but no, I wasn’t calling you.

tWBS:  Well who were you just talking to?

balls:  Dammit, I told you already…no breaking the 4th wall.  We’re better than that.  Besides, this shit is already weird enough.

tWBS:  Fine.  Are you sure we’re in the right spot?

balls:  Well,  the campsite close to the rocks where people climb was full, so this is all we could get.

tWBS:  How’s LCSS?

balls: You tell me. He’s been hitting that Joshua Tree for the last half hour with a baseball bat cursing and calling it Spanos.

tWBS: Maybe your magic weed wasn’t so magic?

balls: Hey,  the magic brings out what needs to be brought out.  Maybe he’ll get it out of his system.  At least I hope he does before a fucking park ranger comes by!

tWBS (to LCSS):  You want an axe, there buddy?

LCSS:  You got one?

tWBS:  No

LCSS:  Then shut up.

balls:  Wow, he’s being a bit edgy, huh?

tWBS: No shit.  But at least we’re isolated somewhat.  The campsite on the other side of this rock is empty.

balls (looks over): WAS empty! Take a look!!

tWBS: What the shit, Lana?!? Where did they come from?

balls: I dunno.  I turned around and there they were.  We need LCSS to chill the fuck out before we go introduce ourselves to the neighbors!

LCSS is starting to tire and is now barely swinging the bat at the wide open target in front of him.  Just like his Padres.

tWBS:  Um, how you doin’ there, buddy?

LCSS (with a last bit of rage):  I’m not your buddy, Spanos!

balls: Spanos is dead, bud.  Spanos is dead.

LCSS: Really?

balls:  Yes, really.

LCSS:

balls (to tWBS):  Well that cheered him up.  But I still don’t think he’s ready for us to go over there and try to talk to half naked girls.

tWBS:  It’s just as well.  We need to focus.

balls: But what if they’re important to our quest?

tWBS:  Wow, really?  Three chicks show up, take off some clothes, and now you’ve decided they might be important.  Not that I’m judging….but that’s a reach.

balls:  Still though.  They happen to show up and get semi-naked immediately.  Significant to our quest or not, is that something you want to ignore?

tWBS:  One….no.  And B….relax.  They just got here, so I’m sure we’ll have some time. You didn’t see any dudes with them, didya?

balls:  Nope!  But there’s only one car there.  They still have another space available.

tWBS:  OK, then let’s finish setting up camp and then see where we’re at.  And let’s get LCSS some food.  Poor bastard is starting to drool now.

***

After balls and tWBS set up the tents, put a Tecate tablecloth over the picnic table, and put some wood in the pit (phrasing), they break out a pack of hot dogs and prepare lunch.  While LCSS is happily munching away on his dog, tWBS and balls look over the tourist map of Joshua Tree they picked up upon entering the park.

tWBS:  Hey, look at that!  There really IS no entrance on the south side of the 10!

balls:  At least I finally have you speaking normally.

tWBS:  You’re not nice.

balls: I’m not trying to be.

tWBS:  You know, for a guy about to meet his destiny AND camped next to three hotties that like to go topless outdoors to boot, you really are being difficult!  What’s up…you nervous about this?

balls:  You’re right, I’m sorry.  And yeah, I guess I am a little.  I’ll try to be more convivial.

tWBS:  Wow!  I wasn’t expecting that.  Are you ok?  You’re being nice again.  Did you have a stroke?

balls:  Shut up and take it.  And also, fuck you.

tWBS (giggling):  That’s what I told your mom!

balls:  You know…

tWBS (giggling):  Ok, let’s focus.  So, where are we?

balls (pointing to a spot in the map): Here.

tWBS:  And where do we need to go?

balls:  Fuck if I know.  I’m still not clear on what CB said.

tWBS:  Yeah, I can relate.  But do I need to spell it out for you?

balls:  I think so.  You speak CB better than I do.

tWBS:  Ummmmmm…..probably not as good as I once did.  And if I’m being honest, my accuracy was never all that great to begin with.  As my bruised sternum, possible cracked rib, and pilfered Tecate swag can attest.  Soooooo yeah, caveat emptor, I guess…?  Besides, weren’t you listening when she told you where to go?

balls:  Were you?

tWBS:  Hehe she’s told me where to go so many times, I just kinda tune it out now.

balls:  Are you OK?

tWBS (giggling):  Does it even matter anymore?

tWBS looks at the map.

tWBS:  OK…here. Jumbo Rocks.  (tWBS points to the map) …  It’s just a tiny ways north from where we are now.  I’m like 51% sure she said something about that.  But like you said, no camping spaces.  We could do it on foot from here probably, presuming LCSS doesn’t stop to take a whack at every Spanos tree we pass.

LCSS:  Fuck you.

balls (to LCSS):  …  Nice…thanks.  (turning back to tWBS) …  But even if we have to drive it?

tWBS:  Yeah, shouldn’t be a problem.  And I really do think that’s where she said to go.  Probably.  Maybe.  Possibly.

balls:  If we can spend a little time looking at the rock formations in that area……?  Ya know….see if one matches up with what she gave me?  I dunno….it’s probably worth a shot at least.  What else do we have to do besides watch our camp neighbors get fully naked and sunbathe on the rocks?  Whoa!!!!  GET FULLY NAKED AND SUNBATHE ON THE ROCKS…..??????

tWBS:  Huh.  Well, look at that, would ya?

LCSS stops chewing his hot dog for just a sec, but forgets to swallow (giggity) before he starts talking.

LCSS:  Hey guyth!!!!  Those chickth over there are getting naked and shit!!!!!

balls:  Wow….subtle.  Thanks LCSS!!!!

***

balls and tWBS continue to look over the map.

tWBS:  OK….so on one hand we’ve got naked chicks on rocks who don’t know us and therefore have yet to come to loathe us just yet.  On the other hand, we’ve got hiking and/or driving to find some obscure rock formation.  I know what your answer is gonna be.  And I don’t disagree.  But I just wanted to point out that we’re about to forsake the gift of a bunch of naked chicks next door.  And where the fuck is LCSS, btw?

balls:  Oh shit.

balls and tWBS do a quick visual sweep of their campsite, but there is no LCSS to be found.  Just then, a familiar smell invades the campsite.  The two get up from the table where they’ve been studying the map and walk over to peer around the rocks in the direction of the now fully naked camp neighbors.

balls:  Oh Jeebus.

In the neighboring campsite, there are now three naked girls, and one half naked LCSS.  The four of them are giggling together, and passing a joint from one to the next.

LCSS (to the naked girls):  So ladies, have I shared with you my general thoughts on pants?  (takes off pants) …  Fuck Pants!!!!!!

The ladies all giggle and continue to pass the joint.

tWBS:  Holy shit.  We should have had him with us in Nogales.  Look at him go!!!!!

balls:  I’ve never been more proud.

tWBS:  But then again….

balls:  What?

tWBS:  Well, we can’t very well take him with us all naked and high.  But do we feel OK leaving him here with three naked girls?

balls:  OK.  There is that….  And while I do see your point….?

tWBS:  Yeah, he’ll probably be fine here with the naked chicks.  What’s the worst that could happen?

balls:  So then….Jumbo Rocks????

tWBS:  Yes….Jumbo Rocks!!!!

The two give the quartet of nude one last look.

balls (shouting to naked LCSS):  Hey man, you cool here?  We gotta make a quick run up the road a bit.

LCSS smiles and gives balls the thumbs up sign, but says nothing.

tWBS:  Hey, at least he’s smiling now.

balls:  Naked girls seem to agree with his temperament.

tWBS:  …Said every guy ever.

balls:  Indeed.

–

The two drive along the dirt road.  It is reasonably smooth and well-maintained.

After only a few miles they come to a turn off from the main road off to their left…

balls:  Stop here for a sec.

balls pulls out the map and studies it, then says…

balls:  Yeah, take this one.  It looks like it will take us straight there, but we’ll have to go over that ridge.

tWBS turns Dave left, and the two are again mobile.  They drive about a mile or so further, when the degree of incline of the road, as well as the quality of its surface begins to change noticeably.

tWBS:  Wow, this is getting bad.  Not sure Dave is up for much more of this fucked up road man.  We might need to walk the rest.

They make a sharp switchback turn, and immediately come face to face with a closed and locked gate.

balls:  Well, that’s that then.  Looks like we’re walking the rest anyway.  It should only be a mile or so further anyway.

tWBS kills Dave’s engine and sets the parking brake.  The two hop out, climb over the gate, and continue on their way.  They walk up the steep “road” for another mile and a half.  Eventually they come to the last switchback turn and are nearing the top of the ridge line.  As they reach the top, the “road” abruptly ends.  The two walk over to the edge and look down.

balls:  Fuck.  Now what do we do?

tWBS:  Shit man, I don’t think we can get down there from here.  Does the map show another way around from the other side?

balls studies the map for a moment…

balls:  Yeah, but by the time we hike back down to Dave, then drive the rest of the way down, it’s gonna be getting too late and we’ll be losing daylight quickly down in that valley.  We’ll need to wait until tomorrow maybe.

tWBS:  Shit man, I’m sorry.

balls:  No worries.  I’ve waited this long, and we’ve come this far.  What’s one more day at this point?

tWBS can only giggle.

balls:  What?

tWBS:  “….we’ve come this far”

balls:  You know….?  I try to remember that you’re a middle aged college educated person.  But sometimes it’s hard.

tWBS:  Hehe…  “Sometimes it’s hard”

balls:  *sigh*  SMGDH

They turn back and hike down the road back to where Dave awaits at the gate.  Soon they’re back onto the well-maintained road heading back to the campsite.  balls has yet to speak a word since the two turned back.

tWBS:  Hey man, it’s gonna be fine.  Like you said, it’s just one more day.  We’ll find the right rock.  And when we do, then you’ll find her.

balls:  I dunno.  I’m starting to think this whole thing was stupid.  We’re never gonna find the right rocks in here.  The place is too fucking big, and neither of us seem to be good listeners when CB tried to tell us the right spot.  Twice.

tWBS:  All very valid points under normal circumstances.  But I’m telling you, man….I don’t know how to explain it, but I know we’re close and I know we’re gonna find it.  And her.  Trust me.

Balls says nothing.  Soon the two roll back into camp.

balls:  Imma go take a leak then I guess we should pop over next door and check on LCSS and introduce ourselves to the ladies.  Hopefully they’re still naked.

tWBS:  Okie doke, I’ll head that way.

A moment later tWBS makes the turn around the rocks to make his way to the neighboring camp, but he stops in his tracks when he sees the camp site….

tWBS (slightly panicked):  Ummmmmmm….BALLS!!!!!!!!!!

balls:  Relax, gimme a sec….I’ll be right th….

tWBS:  Stop playing with it, put it away and get your ass over here.  NOW!!!!

balls (to himself): da Fuq man…now what?

balls zips up and heads that way.  When he looks around the rocks to the neighboring campsite…

balls:  OH.  FUCK.

The two stand there taking in the view of a totally empty and deserted campsite.  No tents, no chairs, no parked car, no naked girls.  And no LCSS.

balls:  Shit man.  Maybe he’s passed out in one of our tents.  I’ll go check and see.

tWBS:  Jeebus, let’s hope so.  While you’re doing that, I’ll go and have a little closer look to see if they left anything behind which might tell us anything just in case he’s not in there.  FFS, this could be bad man.  We fucking lost LCSS!!!!!!!

balls:  We don’t know that yet.  Go over there and see what you can find, I’ll check our tents.

The two head in opposite directions.  tWBS scans the campsite as he walks thru it but sees nothing other than some small items of camp trash, most of which appears to have been there longer than just today.  As he’s about to turn back and return to their own campsite to hopefully find a less naked LCSS asleep in the tent…a car pulls up and parks in one of the empty spaces.

tWBS (walking toward the now parked car):  Oh thank Christ!!!

As tWBS reaches the car, the driver’s door opens and a woman gets out.  She is not one of the three who were here earlier, she’s new, and she’s alone.  When she sees tWBS approaching her vehicle, she pepper sprays him.

tWBS:  Oh goddammit!!!  WTF??????

New Girl:  Who are you and why are you nosing around our campsite??????  And where are my friends?

tWBS:  Holy fuck woman!!!!  You couldn’t have asked me those questions BEFORE fucking pepper spraying me?  Jeebus this shit hurts like a bitch!!!!!

New Girl:  Well I don’t know who you are.  For all I know, well….well, you could be….

tWBS (pulling shirt off and wiping his eyes):  I’m the guy who lost his friend too, FFS!!!  Last time I saw him he was high and naked with YOUR friends.

New Girl:  Huh!!!  Yeah, that does sound like them now that you mention it.  Oh wow…  Sorry for spraying you.  Here….  come over to my car, I’ve got some water in there.

The two head to the car.  She opens the door and reaches in to grab her water bottle, then hands it to tWBS who flushes his eyes as best he can.  When he’s finished, he finally gets his first good look at this new girl…   Immediately, he is taken aback by her beauty, so much so that he looks away so as not to insinuate himself.  When he looks away however, he happens to see something inside her car, sitting in the small tray console on the dashboard.

tWBS:  Holy. Fuck.

New Girl:  I know, I’m so sorry for pepper spraying you.  I thought you were some kind of pervert.

tWBS:  No, no…not that.  No worries about that.  And if I’m being honest, I kinda am some kind of pervert.  But not the threatening/dangerous kind.  That being said….I AM gonna need you to tell me about that rock you’ve got in there.

The new girl blushes intensely and immediately begins to stammer from embarrassment.  A moment later, after she manages to collect herself…..  she takes a deep breath and finally speaks again…

New Girl:  You wouldn’t believe me…even if I COULD explain it.  Which I really don’t think I can.  Or should.  Little column A, little column B, I guess.

tWBS:  OMFG….you didn’t just say that….?

New Girl:  What?

tWBS:  Nothing, nothing.  And I think you might be surprised what we’d be willing to believe right now.

New Girl:  We?

tWBS:  Yeah, my other friend.  He’s over at our campsite checking to see if our friend is passed out in our tents.  Maybe your friends are there too.  Why don’t you pull around and into our second space and we’ll figure out what to do.  Sound good?

New Girl:  Sure.  Meet ya there.

tWBS turns and begins walking nonchalantly back.  When new girl’s car is beginning to pull around, tWBS begins sprinting.

tWBS (yelling):  balllllllls!!!!!!!!!!

balls (steps out of the tent):  He’s not here man.  Doesn’t look like he ever came back, either.

tWBS:  For the next few minutes….fuck him.

balls:  Wait…whu….

tWBS:  He’s a big boy, he’s with three naked and high girls.  I should be so fucking lucky.  Now shut the fuck up and listen to me.  REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!!!!  Can you do that?????  We’ve got like 30 seconds for me to explain this to you….

balls:  Fine….OK.

tWBS:  Good…now in about 30 seconds, someone who was supposed to meet those girls here….

A car door closes, and new girl steps out and waves.

tWBS (waving back but speaking to balls):  Shit, that car is really quiet and she drives faster than I thought.

balls:  What…?  Tell me.

tWBS:  Too late.  Gotta go in hot.  Just please keep your mind open.  Like really really open.

balls:  Dude, you’ve got me believing your truck is alive….sort of.

tWBS (under his breath to balls):  This is different, trust me…  (now cheerfully to new girl)  ….  Hi again!!!!  So glad you found us, hahaha!!!!

She doesn’t laugh.

tWBS:  Ooooookay…anyway…this is my friend balls.  And I’m afraid I didn’t catch your name bef….

balls:  Holy shit.  Aren’t you……?

New Girl (sighing):  Yes…..

tWBS (to balls):  Ummmmm….just so you know, that’s not the best or the weirdest part.  Well, at least according to our new friend.  If she’s willing, I believe our new friend has a story to tell us.  She’s under the impression we won’t believe her.  I have reason to believe she’s wrong about that.  (now turning to New Girl) … Will you share it with us?

New Girl:  Yes.  But I’m serious, you won’t believe it.

tWBS:  We’ll see.  But first… (turns to balls) … balls, go have a look on her dashboard, if that’s OK with her…?

New Girl:  Sure, I guess.

balls gives tWBS a “WTF are you up to?” look, but walks over and looks inside the car at the dashboard.  After just a moment…

balls:  HOLY. FUCK.

tWBS:  There it is!!!!!

To Be Continued….