Say what you will these days about unpredictability, but it’s hard to keep opponents on their toes more and more. It takes real innovation to game plan things that haven’t ever been thought of. That’s why I have such respect for coaches of days gone by – the single wing, of course, always has a place in my heart, as well as as the classic T formation and the Wildcat… but as things change, they almost become more the same than ever before. That’s why this week’s weapon is so special – it had never been done before… or since, for that matter. Does it work? Who cares! That’s not the point! The point, folks, is that someone tried, and I think that’s also the biggest thing about football today as well. If you never try things, you’ll never know if they’re any good or not.

THE GREAT PANJANDRUM

Purpose built: A weapon for clearing beachheads and breaching walls and enemy fortifications for D-Day landings

Years used: 1943

What is it? Completely insane, is what it is…

The British Admiralty’s Department of Miscellaneous Weapons Development (yes, that was an honest-to-God real department) was tasked with a way of breaching the concrete defences of the Atlantic Wall, a series of armed defences constructed by the Nazis all along the coastline of western Europe, from France all the way to Scandinavia. With 10-foot-high concrete walls, lots of artillery, and machine-gun pillboxes, the problem of breaching the wall was a formidable one for the Allied Forces. Delivering a weapon to use on the beaches was impractical due to the high likelihood of mass casualties, and as such, design dictated that the weapon would need to be launched from a landing craft in order to clear a path for infantry.

Then they came up with this thing.

The Great Panjandrum was two ten-foot wooden wheels, carrying a long ton (2240 lbs.) of TNT in the middle. Around the edge of the wheels were cordite rockets, which were ignited all at once to provide propulsion for the entire contraption. The Panjandrum would be launched from the ramp of a landing craft, ahead of the invading force, and top out at a speed of 60 mph (!!!), racing towards the concrete wall before blowing a tank-sized hole in it.

This crazy invention takes its name from a nonsense paragraph from British author and playwright Samuel Foote, who used the phrase “Grand Panjandrum” in this context to denote a pompous authority figure. The paragraph is dated from about 1755, but wasn’t published in print until about 1825. Of most of his nonsensical writing, only this phrase was used past the mid-19th century with any regularity in English culture.

Despite the public interest in the project (which ultimately destroyed the secrecy behind it, due to the military’s strange choice to test the prototype on a beach in Devon that was also popular for tourist visits), the Panjandrum was ultimately declared unfeasible, and was never used in combat situations.

Why didn’t it work? 

Just watch this shit in action.

• It’s completely unsteerable. Who knows what direction it would end up going in, were it ever used in battle!
• If one or more of the rockets doesn’t fire properly, there’s an imbalance of thrust, causing the thing to ultimately veer off course.
• You have over two thousand pounds of TNT, surrounded by further explosive material. And you have basically zero protection for any of it. One shot, and the whole thing will explode in your face.
• Accounts of testing regularly recall the Panjandrum eventually turning around and slowly making its way back towards the sea… or more often, directly at the crowd of innocent bystanders, including top military brass and innocent civilians as well.

This weapon was considered so stupid – even in its day – that many people believe, even still, that it was never intended to actually be a serious thing at all. There’s a theory that the whole thing was merely just a big hoax developed by the British military to make the Nazis believe that their invasion plan was going to be centred around landing at the heavily-fortified Pas-de-Calais, as opposed to the less-defended Normandy beachheads they actually landed on.

What could make it better? 

Everything about this concept is completely insane… but for the sake of argument, let’s propose that we still actually have to build a better version anyhow. On that note…

• Put the rockets in the middle of the cart, as opposed to around the wheels; if you’re concerned about getting traction/power to the wheels, then have them linked on a belt drive to a turbine that gets turned by the rocket thrust.
• Better yet, do away with rocket power entirely and simply mount a proper engine on the cart – one that’s lightweight and low-cost so that it’s not cost-inefficient to deploy. Perhaps an electric motor, maybe?
• Add some additional protection for the TNT in the middle so that it can’t be shot at and blown up too soon by enemy forces.
• Run the whole damn thing as a drone. Seriously, just radio-control this thing so it can steer. You could probably even mount a camera on it to help with visibility. Nobody wants unpredictability, least of all when you have literally a ton of fiery death being carried around on two ox-cart wheels.

Just to further drive home the point of how silly this weapon was, as part of the 65th anniversary of the Normandy Invasion, a replica was built and tested on the same beach in Devon as the original one. Even with a safer design – better fireworks on the wheels, and no TNT to worry about in the middle – it still wasn’t nearly up to snuff to be considered as a serious threat.

So, sure, yes, it was stupid, but as a man and as a coach, you gotta respect someone for thinking of something intended to be strange and confusing in the first place. When I become a head coach again, I hope I can make a name for myself as the most strange and confusing one this league has ever seen! Hey, stop snickering back there…

Information from this article taken from here, here and here. Banner image by The Maestro.