Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Five

I thank the good members of the Commentist Party for pointing out what my 2015 Donks are really like – the 2000 Balmer Ratbirds, who won a Super Bowl with a ferocious defense and a Trent Dilfer. Now, we just have to get teh PeyPey’s performance up to baseline Dilfer level. /sobs uncontrollably OK, now that I have that out of the way, I would like to nominate that my fellow faithful amongst the Commentists start worshipping Brandon McManus and Wade Phillips (yeah, WADE MUTHAFLIPPIN PHILLIPS, yo) as our footy gods.

Washington’s defense is an untold success story of the season, and especially Week 5. They played their asses off today, but could only hold out against the incompetence of Kirk Cousins for so long. 2-3s for eveybody, but I felt bad for the Skins Commentists today. I suspect that game film will be quite instructional for future Falcons opponents. MUCH more fraudulent 5-0 than Denver.

Maybe Cincy is not a fraudulent 5-0 after all? I mean, it’s hard to spunk over coming back from a 7-24 hole against a desperate Seahawks team that is usually excellent at protecting leads of any size. They are winning games in ways one would expect them to Bungle away. Vexing. My brother and his ginger son are gonna buzzing come holiday season.

Poor Kansas City. They saw their season go down in flames (Charles ACL), and blew a 17-3 lead to Catler. Who knew that having a short FG blocked (would have made it 20-3) would wind up being such a big fucking deal? But Bears fans, that is the upside of Fox ball. Your teams will keep fighting like that, even when it seems fucking hopeless.

I hope you were watching Red Zone for that fucking Barnidge catch today. Holy fucking shit. Because Factory, I was certain that play meant they were destined to lose. But the Ravens herp-a-derp was too strong. That is a dumpster fire trumped only by…

Holy Jeebus Tapdancing Christ, Detroit. Don’t even bother to pretend you haven’t quit on Jim Caldwell. I pity da fool who invested heavily in the Lions’ offense, figuring there would at least be garbage time volume yards and points to be had. Golden Tate was indeed my highest bid WR at auction, but thank fuck I have benched him 3 weeks running for the waiver wire fodder of James Jones, Michael Crabtree, and/or Ted Ginn. Or this week, I finally started my last $1 bid, Willie Snead. Deep rosters, hallelujah.

Doopy Pantz may want to have somebody else start his car this week. I am gonna keep trying to make CasselVANIA! a thing, damn it. It was a staple of my junior high 7-11 before school existence. That and Paperboy!

Jags/Bucs might have been the most entertaining fixture of the day. The NFL is really fucking weird sometimes.

Green Bay looked kinda half-assed again. The NBC pre-game is currently bloviating about how awesome they and the (barf) Pats are, but fuck if I see it. The Pack have been sloppy against a slew of mediocrities through 5 weeks, and only putrid Nick Foles play and Jeff Fisher’s idiotic refusal to ride Todd Gurley in the red zone (psssttt, you can throw the ball to him, it’s totes legal) after he gashed Clay Clay and palz between the 20s all afternoon allowed them to skate today. What a shitty run-on sentence.

Sunday Night Football promised to be a shitshow, and was instead wildly entertaining! Neither of these teams is worth a wad of monkeyfuck, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t glad I had to stay up until almost midnight to do laundry anyway, and had this game to keep me company. Elisha to Vereen won a shit ton of fantasy matchups that were assumed beyond repair.

Yes, the goddamned Pats are the best team in the goddamned league, and no, it isn’t the least bit goddamned close. Godfuckingdamnit.

Pray to your Wade Phillips icon that one of the Donks’ out-for-blood front seven eviscerates Dreamboat when he visits Mile High. I’m sure The Rog will suspend the entire team for the rest of the season, but FACK IT, we will take one for the rest of the league. WE COOL LIKE DAT.