I am Keenan Allen’s Lacerated Kidney

YOU WAKE UP at MetLife Stadium.

Every kickoff and kneeldown, when the ball was booted off a tee or snapped by the center, I prayed for an injury. That moment cures my insomnia with narcolepsy when we might die helpless and packed human tobacco on the sideline.

This is how I met Brandon Marshall.

You wake up at Soldier Field.

You wake up at Lambeau.

You wake up at Gilette Stadium.

Brandon worked part-time as a wide receiver. Because of his nature, Brandon could only play night games. If a wide receiver was questionable with an ankle injury, the players union called Brandon.

Some people are night people. Some people are day people. I could only play day games.

You wake up at FedExField.

The NFL Benefits Program pays off triple if you die on the field. I prayed for a separated shoulder. I prayed for offensive linemen to get knocked down and roll up onto the backs of my legs. During player introductions, as the players raced down the tunnel and onto the field, with our chinstraps buckled and the cheerleaders urging the crowd to chant “J-E-T-S”, as we reached the painted grass of the end zone, I prayed for a concussion.

You wake up at AT&T Stadium.

In an NFL game, Brandon ran rub routes if the cornerback wasn’t alert enough. With rub routes, you have two receivers outside the hash marks, and one receiver is running.

I know this because Brandon knows this.

The second receiver is covered by the strong safety or a slot corner. Most slot corners play three or four yards off the line of scrimmage. Newer offensive coordinators, they group all the receivers together into a single bunch. This way, you can disguise your rubs so you don’t get flagged for an illegal pick, when you “bump” into the cornerback as he changes over, receiver one, switch, receiver two on the curl, switch, receiver three on the go route.

Switch.

You wake up at CenturyLink.

I study the diagrams on the laminated game plan. A running back cuts back to the middle, the contain linebacker trailing behind him, the play designed for a second-and-short situation. The receivers are wide open, but the quarterback doesn’t have an audible he can use. In another play, linemen calm as Hindu cows reach up from their three point stances toward blitzing linebackers.

This must be an emergency.

Oh.

We’ve lost two out of the last three games.

You wake up, and you’re at Ford Field.