December is a Glorious month for FITBAW, even with #TransformerNuAIDS trying to shit in the punch bowl.  The Shield’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy sure cut that advance off!

I am sure that the professional footballers of DUUUUUUVVVVVAAALLLLL are glad to see the back of Urban Meyer.  But it’s still a roster that Meyer assembled, and they’re really bad.  Culley’s 500s continue to play hard, and they certainly have the Jaguras number, sweeping the season series (and almost assuring they won’t pick #1 overall).  Not sure how much that matters with the 2022 Draft, though.  It’s not QB-heavy (to say the least), so drafting clubs can go lots of directions.  Anywhere in the Top Five should be about the same.  30-16, Houston.  Davis Mills has quietly started being not-so-shitty of late (h/t, Scotchy).

Shit-hot Miami might have taken the Jest for granted, and Noo Yawk took advantage early, rushing out to a 17-7 lead.  Duke Johnson (who nobody in America started) then eviscerated Gangrene, as the LOLfins ran off 17 in a row.  It seemed the Jest had reverted to their natural state, but then Tua shat himself for a pick six.  Turned out to be just a delay of the inevitable, with Miami churning most of the clock on the ensuing, winning TD drive.  31-24, and those LOLfins have made it to .500 after a 1-7 start.  Strange but true.

Poor Black Panthers – adding to their woes, they lost Zane Diaries in warmups – with no other kicker on the roster (and a punter who can’t even kick off, apparently).  So, they had to always go for it in WNY, and Buffalo won easily – despite playing in 2nd gear most of the way.  I was hoping for backup QB PJ Harvey to attempt placements, but Matt Rhule is no fun.  Or just finds “Down By The Water” overrated.  31-14, a game never in doubt.  So much so (plus Brokeback having a bad wheel), they even ran the ball a little!  Will wonders ever cease?

Old processed ham head allayed no fears about his health and/or performance level…but it was against the Mike Glennon Gigantes, so who gives a fuck (for now)?  21-6, Dallas – while missing TWO extra points.  One doesn’t see that every day.  Non-Gendereds can clinch the division with a home win over the God-knows-who-led Redacteds next week.  I wonder if they’d rest Dak! for the rest of the regular season?  Intriguing.

Tony Romo and Jeeeeem, being good Shield representatives, couldn’t contain their glee at Yinzburgh coming back from the ded once again.  Down 13-3 (which easily could have been 17-3, or worse) at the half, they blitzed to a 16-nil, BLEERGH-aided second half margin.  I mean, why the fuck is the media/establishment so hell bent on making fetch happen with The Ben and his band of chucklefucks?  They’re AWFUL to watch for the neutral.  It’s the same lot (if not a bit worse) than shat itself against #ThePauls last January.  Let us have some new blood, for fuck’s sake.  Anyway, Tanny Fanny is still a moron, just not Dakota Jeebus-calibre.  Sorry, DonT.  It had to be said.

Qards’ visit to Detroit produced a predictably awful mismatch, just not the way anyone expected or even dreamed.  Perhaps Arizona was still hungover from their home MNF defeat to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!?  Or perhaps they were overrated as we (i.e., morons like Hippo who try to make logical sense of this League) thought earlier in the season, as they racked up win after win.  But that #1 overall seed looks a pipe dream, and everyone will pick them to be upset in the expanded Wild Card round.  Final score?  Fuck-all-day Lions 30, Qards 12.  It was 17-nil at the half, and never got any closer late than 27-12.  Woof.  Guy off the street/5th string tailback Craig Reynolds – who I never heard of before last week – was meastly once again, a buck-twelve on 26 totes.

Three fixtures in the late window, not that much better in terms of quality.  Atlanta started fast, but stalled inside the 1 on their opening drive.  They hung around for most of the first half, pulling level at 10 late in Q2.  But Matty Ice did his usual derpy shit, and Santa Clara pulled away the next quarter-plus.  31-13 before an entire, scoreless, Q4 of garbage time.  Tomsulas did their usual, efficient run blocking/hide Miss Garafalo routine.  It’s taken them up to 8-6, in reasonable playoff position.  Watch this space.

Poor Harbs the Greater, basically starting a bunch of dudes he found at the bus station in the secondary.  Q-aaron….uh, noticed.  The refs gave unnecessary help to make matters even worse, but without touchdowns on every possession – the Ratbirds were never gonna keep up.  Give Harbs credit – he knew what kind of game he was coaching, being even more aggressive than usual on 4th down (even with Tyler Huntley starting in place of bone-bruised Lamar!).  Turned a mostly-close loss into a blowout, perhaps.  But the point is maximizing your chance to WIN, not lose respectably.  Shit, Huntley even ran it in to back door things into almost-competitiveness, 31-24.  But less than 5 minutes to play, nobody expected a frantic finish.  Somehow, Balmer dialed up pressure and held Q-aaron to three and out AND a bad punt left Huntley with a short field!  Very fast TD ensues, but they missed the deuce and lightning did nae strike on the onside kick attempt.  31-30, fin.

I only question the two-point attempt because 42 seconds remained.  Against a QB like Rodgers, that’s too much time to punch back with a FG drive (once the risk of turning the ball over is mooted by breaking the tie score).  I can’t show my work (ie, I don’t know how), but I think the over/under is like 25 seconds.  More than that, you have to kick and pray to win the OT coin toss.  But Harbs was right to know…he wasn’t beating Q-aaron in OT.  Not if he ever got his hands on the ball.  The real bad call was GB taking its foot off the gas with a two-score lead.  They should have kept pushing to score, score, and score again.  Baltimore couldn’t really stop them.

Denver and Cincy sure got their punters some work.  Once again, the Donks got a heroic defensive effort – to no avail.  A three play sequence with 14 seconds left in the half (Donks miss 54-yard FG, 17 yard completion, WKRP makes 58-yard FG) would be decisive, along with Teddy Ballgame concussing himself (very badly, but at least nothing spinal-related) to make a Q3 first down.  The troops rallied around Horse Cock Lock to finish the drive with 7 (mostly on the ground, but Lock found Patrick on a nice route/throw for the score), and all of a sudden…10-9 Donks.  Joe Burrow then hit Tyler Boyd for a response 6 on the SECOND play of the ensuing drive.  So much for that hope.  They didn’t make the two, but Q4 would be scoreless for a 15-10 final.  Yeah, 2 of the 3 late games had scoreless fourth quarters.  EXCITE!!  Lock’s 1-minute drill was a 4-and-out, negative 14 yards total.  Good Lord.

Look, the odds of me making it through MRSA/N’Awlins (even muted) are slim to none.  True, the Saints tend to be MRSA Dreamboat’s bogey side, to the extent he has one.  But these Saints are basically on life support, with Sean Payton also out with #NuAIDS a second time.  I got almost to the end of Q3, with the Saints pitching a shutout.  But they only had 6 of their own, and that wasn’t gonna suffice.  To sleep I go.

Thankfully, my fantasy season is also now over, so I can mostly enjoy the rest of the season in delighted passivity.  Let’s hope we close 2021 and start 2022 with some good shit.  Maybe society doesn’t really deserve it, but we sure as fuck NEED it.  See you next week.