The NFL Draft is this Thursday, so there’s still a couple of days to abuse the brain with speculation and other mind wanks about your team being in position to select several difference makers who will be on the cheap for the next three seasons Hell yeah! Your team filling a position of need will move you to engage in the kind of self-negotiation that lonely folks engage in with potential dates who text you “Hi 😉”—the excitement of going out and maybe clickin’ with someone, anyone overrides a bio that says “I hate lies” or other objectionable crap.
Can handle suds, classy Jimmy Kimmel
vibes, solid 8! [texts “Sup”] Via The Sun
The NFL draft is opium to the optimist. It’s consistently the most joyous time of the league year for Jets fans. For the educated in college ball, the draft is the nitrous oxide for I CAN’T BELIEVE this small school linebacker fell to the 5th round. But no one really knows what will happen to the prospects in the NFL. Especially now: the rookie contract structure and salary cap incentivize drafting players on the cheap rather than giving a second contract to a solid, but not stellar, former high prospect. 🚧🚨Mindless Exaggeration Alert 🚨🚧Peyton Manning had a bad rookie year and was a playoff choker thereafter for a while. If that career started right now, Manning could’ve been a Trubisky.
So the draft is a whole lotta uncertainty and Mel Kiper. The only substance that the draft provides is the reading of names, which happens to be the worst kind of public event. In fact, allow me to rank name-reading events, from terrible to Oh My God No:
- Award Shows – Back in the early days of the Webz, “Forrest Gump” won Best Movie instead of “Pulp Fiction”. That did it for me: award shows, every single one, are an orgy of smarm and public relations (See also, Nobel Peace Prize winner Henry [grabs crotch] Kissinger.) BONUS: weeks after those Oscars, I lost my innocence forever when a homeless guy burned me as middle man to a weed transaction.
- The NFL draft – I can do with a recap on Monday. For me, TV commentary on the picks is a bottomless pit of speculation and jargon—which I don’t condemn on principle, heh, don’t get me wrong. But it’s about players I’m first hearing about. And OK, the highlights package shows impressive plays… Against college kids. Nobody knows how the rookies will fare against men playing for a legal paycheck.
- Graduations – Three plus hours of speeches and protocolar acknowledgments to see a loved one collect a diploma (and hopefully, medals or a smoked ham), is a big ask. It’s awards for school grades—so you studied, whoop de doo. Let’s see ya making cold calls to earn a paycheck or, or! Getting your bearings back and doing your job after being stabbed in the soul because months of your work could not help a deserving person in catastrophic circumstances. Then, please oh please, tell me how accomplished you are, Poindexter.
Yeah I turned 50 earlier this year—so it’s a rant, not a tantrum. K?
NFL NEWS
-Niners GM John Lynch “can’t ever imagine wanting to move on from Deebo”, and then incidentally mentioned that San Francisco doesn’t have a 1st round pick this year. I’ll translate Lynch for the benefit of the married folks: “I love [Deebo], but it will be difficult preparing delicious dinners for one while I have the mansion to myself for the next three days. And we just stocked the wine cellar, it’s a bummer”. I could see the Niners getting offered, for Deebo, two firsts and two seconds—the equivalent of a husband getting a nude text with a pizza box and a six pack. Gay or straight; men be horny.
-Bengals WR Tee Higgins had shoulder surgery. He will miss workouts, but the season is so fucking away that who gives a shit.
Sorry. Steven A. popped into the computer and I went berserk. This is why I have to stick with espen deportes. And if I had only one Life Mute button, I would use it on Stephen A. over Donald Trump, Elon Musk, the Treasury Department, The Barstool Universe, and [name withheld pending signed release].
-A month ago the Bears signed WR Byron Pringle and he was arrested Saturday in Florida for:
- Suspended license
- “doing donuts on a public road in a 2016 Dodge Challenge SRT Hellcat”
- Being “verbally confrontational” to the Police
And there was a “male juvenile child” in the back seat. That bugs me. Is he a child? A juvenile? If in-between, my guess is 12-14. Juveniles can drive cars and hit you with a brass knuckle to impress a sex partner (15 up). While a male child is at most 10-11: still believes in Santa Claus and that people are good. Pringle was sent to jail.
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central.
MAJOR LEAGUE LOITERING
Medias Rojas (Eovaldi) @ Azulejos (Berríos) – 6:07 PM ON THE DOT!
Mets (Scherzer) @ Cardenales (Mikolas) – 6:45 PM
Fokin Astros (Valdez) @ Patrulleros (Dunning) – 7:05 PM
Guardianes (Bieber) @ Angelinos (Lorenzen) – 8:38 PM
Doyers (Buehler) @ Serpientes (Kelly) – 8:40 PM
NHL
Flyera @ Blackhawks – 7 PM
NBA PLAYOFFS
Celts @ Nets – 6 PM (Boston going for the sweep)
- Nets’s Ben Simmons is oOt
Raptors @ Sixers (Philly leads 3-1) – 7 PM
Jazz @ Mavs – 8:30 PM (Tied 2-2)
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Full listing here (espen); 1st division below:
Brazil
Avaí hosts Goiás – 6 PM
Ecuador
Guayaquil City FC hosts Cumbayá – 7 PM
Guatemala
Comunicaciones hosts Sololá – 8 PM
Paraguay
Nacional hosts Sol de América – 7:15 PM
Uruguay
Defensor Sporting hosts Cerrito – 6 PM
FINALLY,
the only memory I have of any NFL draft is the tweet, from Laremy Tunsil’s account, showing him taking a monster hit off the most awesome contraption I have seen outside of Boulder, Colorado. It was in 2016 and I was pulling late hours at my last employer’s [hocks, spits toward sidewalk], and that was the perfect pretext to drop everything else. If Tunsil did it, it was an Anton Newcombe-level self-sabotage. So Tunsil must’ve been hacked, but there is not much info. on who did it. Still, Tunsil was drafted 13 by the Dolphines. That’s a decent high pick; Tunsil was considered precipitous drop in Draft World, a planet made of gas. Tunsil has been a good player and got a windfall by the Buttchinski Texans. I’m happy for him and, while society is falling apart now, almost nobody would care if you light a joint.
He’s a pig. I’m probably going to delete Twitter. I’m not on there much anyway, and he flat out gives me the creeps.
Deleting Twitter would actually be a good thing.
Mostly I lurk there. I follow a few people I know, and a couple of animal sites. Cher, because I love her. Stephen King. Funny people. But I can live without it.
Can Elon Musk live without ME?
Youngest right is well on her way to the next big thing. She’s not quite doing the impossible entire state of California from South to North but she’s giving it a hell of a go. She left San Diego this morning, stopped just outside of Bakersfield, had dinner at Pier 39 in San Francisco and is now driving to Redding. I rented her a room for the night and there’s free breakfast for her and littlest right in the morning. Then it’s 10 hours to Seattle tomorrow.
You want to test your fucking nerves as a parent?
She’s got 4 nights at an Airbnb in Seattle then she moves into her new pad and new career at The MotherShip in Redmond Washington.
Show then who’s boss kid. You got this shit.
That’s a hell of a drive. I’ve done Bakersfield to Seattle in one day once. Never again.
I’ve never attempted it. I’ve done LA to San Francisco a bunch of times and that’s enough.
Well written as always Sir. Man if doing doughnuts on a public road is a sin… Then let me who among us…
Yes, Polestar, advertise your car as “No. 2”. They will sell like hotcakes. That are made of poop.
Genius
Raptors Siakam was drafted in the 2nd round as an athletic wing. He’s running the point right now because Vleet is out.
/Toronto’s front office has been drafting for versatility, coachability and work ethic for a few years now.
So weird seeing Harden not bog down an entire team’s offense while trying to be a ‘team’ guy.*
*Psst! That isn’t working well either.
Per Front Office Sports, 30-40 cats
Just wait until they host the Detroit Tigers.
Philly airball total has to be at 3 at least so far.
Philly crowd getting very cranky. So weird that they’d give up on their team given the slightest excuse…
The Phillies’ defense the next couple of years is going to be…really car-ceashy
Is it my imagination, or does every 76’er have a weird push shot when shooting from the 3 point line?
Despite those teeny arms, Raptors contest everything around the rim.
Also if y’all looking for a sports book,
consider reading
How to Watch Basketball Like a Genius
By Nick Greene
It’s Rocking!!!
Oh. THAT kind of sports book.
*puts away wallet*
Another ex-wife story (these are likely misplaced right family empathy attempts) – mine just couldn’t tolerate basketball. She was like “at least with football, there’s strategy, here they just run up and down like dumbasses, trying to throw a ball into the hole.”
/she also got banned from the Durham Bulls Athletic Park (pitch invasion)
Man, I love acquiring Serpientes into los lexicon.
My sister and I went to the same college and was a year ahead of me. We stayed for her entire graduation ceremony. The following year I was told my family was bailing after my name was called. I did the same. It helps when the ceremony is in the same arena that you work in and know all the security guards.
I have my oldest daughter’s ceremony in like 12 days. Where I will feel weird because I don’t cry in front of other people, certainly not IN PUBLIC.
Fortunately, I will at least be high af. Thanks, makers of vicuprofen!!
Celtics looking Rocking after 2 qtrs
Nick Nurse gonna coach up them Raptors, Baby!
Hearing y’all talk NBA, I have a deeper understanding how it must feel for normies to read my Lesser Footy diatribes.
Somewhat understandable-no one on either team is a Tory cunt.
Found a funny;
me: aww who’s a good boy?
air bud: bro, i’m a fucken state champion
It’s pretty impressive that Coach K is only a month into retirement from coaching at Duke and he’s already got a cooking show coming out.
Had some x-rays done on my knees recently and my Doc wants to talk to me. Gotta feeling that I’m gonna have to make a withdrawal from The World Cartilage Bank, the strategic reserve that is built into a crag high up in the Cantabrian Mountains of Spain.
“Huh, these knees look terrible. You didn’t get exposed to any high energy gamma, or ‘X,’ rays recently, did you?”
Fortunately, you’ll get plenty of opiates!!
Also, I guess we will get to be “cadaver parts” Eskimo Brothers (I had PeyPey’s crevical disc fusion thingamabob)
This ‘spirit animal’ thingy is self-perpetuating at this point.
Celtics vs Nets 🏀
Hopefully is Rocking
Hey, the song is still catchy. And both hilariously offensive and offensively hilarious.
https://youtu.be/HBQ2mjkvYY8
Cuntler’s back, everybody!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmm3KTa601s
Had enough of villains for a while. Here’s a few of my heroes:
Tch, I thought drugs were the stars. May you find a decent dealer.
Amén.
To be fair, if I were Stephen Hawking. I’d do the shit out of some drugs.