Did you ever drink too much? I’ll wait until you stop laughing, Then you woke up in the morning only to find out you made a promise? Not just a promise but a daunting task of a pact that your fool drunk ass made? Cue the stupid music, maybe for this one you should call me “D.J. Skinny Pancake.”

Laissez les bon temps roulez!

You promised to make one of the toughest dishes ever to be thrown up. You vowed to make crepes. Man you must have been drunk to promise that shit. French food? Really? French food. You know the history of crepes? Neither do I so I am going to make something up right here right now with my mind. When you only have two eggs (stupid British) and an ass bag full of flour what do you make to feed all of the starving few? Why crepes of course. You can wrap those bad motor scooters around (in a pinch you can use one as a condom, no fooling I did it) anything. Sweet or savory, the perfect wrap for any food item, damn I should have used these last week for taco night. But the French are such an evil lot, well, you ever heard of Acadia? Cue the kick ass music, going to see them in  a couple of weeks I know you’re jealous.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pur-cK1l5c

Well it seems around the year 1600 or so there were some swarthy French pirate types who decide to take all the lands for themselves, they claimed the land of Acadia (later to become Nova Scotia don’t you know). They held it for 75 years or so and then came the king of England’s much better prepared and much larger army and they did what any friendly fellow would do, they deported each and everyone one of them from the land. Half of the folks were put on ships to be sent back to the motherland of France (numbers vary but up to 80% perished on the way home) and the rest, some 20,000 at best, were cast out to travel south to the land that loves everybody, that’s right Southern Louisiana. You ever been? If you said yes, you smiled when you did.

Do you have a point? Wait I’m getting to it, stupid brain.

They had the same issues there, few eggs but damn they had themselves some flour, little water, little milk, some melted butter and here come the stupid crepes. The same damn egg wraps that I now have to attempt. What? You ever tried? I had this dish for the first time as a kid, maybe 20, 21 years old, who cares, and the very first bite, it was like, well for me it was like, but for you your “that’s the best goddamn thing I’ve ever eaten” is something else, I don’t know maybe chocolate meringue pie say or pizza. To say I liked it would sell it short. I craved it. I had to have it again and that one damn bite changed my life. Simple economics tell me I can’t afford it every time I want it, I must learn to cook it for myself. Then my war with this so simple of a dish began. Time for “brosse”, look it up there will be more.

This is somewhere around the 25th time I have attempted this dish, have I ever made it perfect? Maybe once.  Was this one perfect? Far from it, it was great but this requires skills and techniques I have yet to master so each time it’s slightly different. Even while I try to describe this as we go through the recipe, you’ll be lost because you can’t see the actual process. The batter has to be just right, if it’s too thick it won’t pour correctly too thin it won’t hold up to the filling and then it will fall apart when you try to roll it. Hell it could be worse I could be forcing you to try a “poutine repe’e” recipe, told you there would be more words like that other weird word. The recipe is just this simple:

2 Eggs

3/4 cup whole milk (No you may not use 2%)

1/2 Cup water

1 Cup all purpose flour

3 Tablespoon melted butter

1 pinch of salt if you are making savory (like we are) or a couple of teaspoons sugar if you’re doing the sweet dish.

Place all ingredients in a blender and pulse for no more than 30 seconds or use a wire whisk (like I do) and beat the hell out of it for a minute or so. (Important Taj tip number two) this batter must rest for at least one hour. I made mine the night before, covered with plastic wrap and stored it in the beer cooler box. When you pull the batter out tomorrow make sure you whisk the hell out of it again before attempting to make a skinny pancake. Dear God how do I describe this so it will make sense.

That’s it, “Hey fat boy you’re bitching about that recipe? That one?” Yes I am, damn it you try it.

So you got your batter just right I see and we are ready to do this. Heat a medium non stick frying pan and wait until it’s hot. Now you just (how did we ever live without youtube?)

I am not sure what that yellow stuff is but just learn the technique.

Cook for two minutes

OK, OK let’s hold on here a second. The first batch you make will be shit, shit. The first time you cook one of these it will look like your dead grandmother’s uterus. You can taste the first one but trust me it will look hideous, that’s OK. It’s like the pan being heated just right, so after two minutes it’s cooked perfectly not burnt but has the crispy (texture is essential in this dish) edges.

Turn the crepe over, when you turn they should be golden brown and crispy around the edges and then cook for two (what? Use a damn timer) more minutes. When finished you should have a pile that looks something like this

I made 17 crepes, they take 4 minutes each to cook so you do the math, I’ll do the meth, heck maybe your one of those magic cooks who can multi task. If I try I usually fuck something up, hell I can simmer a sauce while boiling noodles and toast garlic bread but these monkey’s? They’re a different animal . You want to cook with two pans or three? God love you! I suck and can only cook with one. So I turned on the Cubs game and watched from the kitchen, it took about two (and remember I’ve done this before) hours. Are you still here? Look this is a labor of love, go to the falafel shop on the corner instead Who’ll know? It’s easier. The filling for this dish? That’s the easy part.

I need a butter and flour blonde roux. I was told by the guy who forced me at knife point to write this even though there is no one, absolutely no one  who actually reads this gibberish. That guy promised me you know how to do a roux. Not brown but ( equal parts fat and flour) blonde mine cooked for about 5 minutes before it became “jolie blonde” add the chicken stock slowly then stir until incorporated. Next add the fresh cream, stir and bring to a simmer. Stir until (if too thick add a teaspoon of whole milk) thick and bubbly, about 5 minutes.

Set aside for later

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into 1 inch chunks

1/2 medium onion diced to your preferred size

3 cloves garlic minced (shit we’ve been down this dirty road)

8 ounces fresh mushy’s rinsed and sliced

2 cups chicken stock

1 1/2 cups heavy (sorry but yes there is butter and heavy cream in this dish) cream

1/4 pound ham or what I did for this is 3 strips of fat bacon, I already said I like fat.

Tarragon if it’s fresh don’t be afraid, give me at least two fat (no stems for Christ sake) stems, if dry use 1/2 teaspoon

Splash of a tasty red (helpful Taj hint number 3, never cook with a shitty wine. It’s for you and your guests, cook with the good stuff) wine to deglaze the bottom of the pan

Salt and fresh cracked pepper to (you don’t need help here do you? If you have one of those cans of pepper dust stop reading this immediately and go away) taste.

Get a pan toss a small pat of butter in and cook the chopped chicken for around  8 minutes. Remove the chicken to a bowl then add bacon to the pan and cook for about 6 minutes. Toss in the onions first, about a minute later toss in the mushy’s and cook until the onions (what was that damn word I used, see translucent) add the damn garlic will you already?  (What you don’t do meat, pussy. Try spinach and broccoli instead, yummy) throw that chicken sitting in that bowl over there that you already cooked back in, now here comes that red wine splash into the mix. Scrape up all the tasty bits stuck to the bottom of the pan then stir in your blond roux (again if too thick add a little milk or water) stir together everything then throw in your tarragon and simmer for a few minutes no more than 6 minutes. I cooked mine the night before and stored in the cold beer keeper with the skinny pancake batter.

Take one crepe and fill with the chicken mixture. Use a slotted spoon to just get the chicken and vegetables save liquid to cover the top. Don’t over fill or they will tear (my brother said they are like the size of a “Frenchilada”) use the right amount and you will have all of your crepes filled the same. Now take the remaining sauce and ladle over the top. Not too much for Christ sake or you will loose all of those crispy edges we worked so hard to achieve. Bake in preheated 375 degree oven for 30 minutes. Alright here we go again my oven is 375 yours could be 400 or 363 I don’t know I’m not there. You may cook for 26 minutes or maybe 35 again I’m not there. This is trial and error your first dish should be tasty but it might be butt ugly.

HEY KNOCK IT OFF! THAT’S MY WIFE

You want sweet? Same recipe omit salt add sugar then just macerate your favorite berries (strawberry or blue are both awesome) in sugar for a couple of hours,roll up just like before, some like mascarpone cheese (yuck and unnecessary) in theirs, or maybe some candied nuts of your choice, raisins? (hell try ice cream with a little sugar and cinnamon dusted on top) dust with powdered sugar and oh sweet baby boners for all.

You’re going to make this and say that wasn’t very good. I don’t know how my dumb ass got talked into this, maybe the most challenging culinary adventure you will ever take. Heed my words this is a perfect dish when done right!  Give it two tries especially with the crepe batter, throw away the first 9. The time is two minutes in a frying pan to get the heat right so there not soggy and not burnt won’t, flip, cook two more minutes then question your sanity for trying this. “Dude wheres that falafel shop he was talking about?” The whole process had me “chavirer” but as a card carrying member of the “WHO DAT” nation I felt compelled to at least try.

Of course it was served with “pomme frites” actually they came from the Hawaiian BBQ joint down the street, should have had a salad instead.

I would say enjoy but it is a challenge. A challenge definitely worth taking. I simply can not wait to try it again and this time I will get it just right. Hey did you guys get the Obama metaphor from my first post?

D.J . Skinny Pancake going away forever I promise.  There is only one way this can end. Time, for “fume’e vapeur” I can feel my eyes getting red already, MY Gods that are the Balfa Brothers take me to my great reward.