The Devil’s Advo-CAT

[INT. OFFICE, DAYTIME]

TONY DUNGY: [reading newspaper] Blasphemy! Sacrilege! This shall not stand!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

JAY CUTLER: [groans] Oh Jesus. I should have known.

TONY: Jay, thank you for coming. Have a seat.

JAY: Goodell made me. Said I had to come here and do an interview or he’d fine me.

TONY: As you know, the Supreme Court declared that [shudders] gay marriage is now legal.

JAY: Oh, is that why everybody was waving those rainbow flags around? Sure, man, great, whatever.

TONY: No, Jay, not “great”. This is yet another sign that the end times is upon us. And there’s nothing we can do to stop it or slow it down.

JAY: Running out of time? In that case I don’t know why you’re bothering me. Call Andy Reid.

TONY: Would that I could, Jay, but he’s still missing. Now I don’t know if you heard, but California just passed a law to ban religious exemptions in regards to vaccinations.

JAY: Uh…yeah, okay. I really care a lot about that.

TONY: Perhaps you don’t. But your wife does.

JAY: I guess. She’s pretty gullible about that shit, though. One time she spent two weeks doing a “goldfish cleanse” but didn’t realize they meant the Pepperidge Farm ones. We had like ten tanks of live fish in the house. [ruminates] It was a good week.

TONY: As a husband and provider, Mr. Cutler, I would think you would want to keep your young wife happy. As you know, politics makes for strange…bedfellows, as it were. As fellow victims of religious persecution, I’d like to work with you to stand up for religious rights.

JAY: [sighs]

TONY: Hear me out.

JAY: …

TONY: I want you to throw interceptions.

JAY: What?

TONY: Interception after interception. So many that the stink of it rises all the way up to the nosebleed seats and beyond.

JAY: So…a metaphorical version of playing in O.co Coliseum?

TONY: And when the sportswriters ask you why the Bears were beaten by Aaron Rodgers and the “Packers” yet again, you’ll insinuate that he sold his soul and has joined the hellbound. People are looking for a reason to believe that Rodgers has done a deal with the devil. Help convince them! Save this earth for the righteous so we might take our place at the hand of the Almighty!

JAY: I’m confused. If you’re so convinced you’re going to heaven, why wait? Why not just shoot yourself in the head and be done with it?

TONY: Because suicide is a sin.

JAY: Ah. Then why not shoot each other in the head? You know, kinda like the Vikings had an agreement to stab each other when their ships were sinking so they could go to Valhalla.

TONY: Murder is a sin as well.

JAY: But it’s not technically murder if you’re defending yourself.  The NRA has been very clear about that.

TONY: Well…no.

JAY: Well, if someone is pointing a gun at your head, aren’t you allowed to defend yourself by shooting them?

TONY: I…yes?

JAY: So why don’t you just head out, find another sanctimonious prick who’s convinced that God wants to spend eternity hanging around with a bunch of busybodies who spend all their time thinking about what other men do with their cocks and assholes, and you and him can blow each other’s brains out? In a figurative sense, of course. [stands up, flips DUNGY the bird] I’m outta here. I’ll throw interceptions when I want, how I want, to who I want. Later, peckerhead.