How to Improve our Country – Part 1

I was reading Old School Zero’s komment on the AFL Beat post about sports holidays and that gave me an idea.  Consider this the first of an occasional series on how we can improve our country.  Today, I present to you two revolutionary concepts:

 Concept the First: Stop naming schools after US Presidents!

How many fucking Wilson High Schools, Middle Schools, and Elementary Schools need to exist? It’s always the same presidents too.  Pretty much every large city in the United States has a school named after either Washington, Jefferson, or Lincoln.  Enough!

My proposal:

Go Longhorns!

Yes, we need to start naming schools after NFL legends just like King of the Hill proposed many years ago.  It makes perfect sense.  I am frankly shocked that there is not a Roger Staubach Elementary School or a Troy Aikman High School in Dallas.  Similarly, you would have a Franco Harris Middle School, Rocky Bleier Elementary, and Chuck Noll High School in Pittsburgh.  Think of the possibilities:

Minneapolis:  Fran Tarkenton Span School (K-8), Chuck Muncie Elementary, Bud Grant High School.

Kansas City:  Hank Stram High School, Len Dawson Elementary, Derrick Thomas Middle, Trent Greene Special Education Center

Boston:  Tom Brady Elementary, Bill Belichick Adult School, Steve Grogan Middle.

New York:  Joe Namath Junior High School, Lawrence Taylor Middle School, Weeb Ewbank Early Education Center

Concept the Second: Re-organize our Holidays around Sports

Here are the public holidays that most public agency employees receive:

January – New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day

February – President’s Day

March – Nothing

April – Nothing

May – Memorial Day

June – Nothing

July – Fourth of July

August – Nothing

September – Labor Day

October – Columbus Day

November – Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Friday after Thanksgiving

December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve

As you can see, there are a lot of wasted days.  As mentioned above, fuck the Presidents.  What the hell did they ever do for us anyway?  Also, while I greatly appreciate the military and all they have done, do, and will continue to do, two days of “pretending” to remember them is too much.  This country treats military personnel like it treats its old people:  Takes advantage of all their hard work and sacrifice and when they get to be a bother, puts them in a home and forgets about them until it’s time to trot them out to make us feel better about ourselves.  Fuck that.

My proposal:

January – New Year’s Day (for recovering from the Amateur Hour drunkenness of the year before)

February – Monday after Super Bowl

If it coincides with Patriots Schadenfreude Day, even better!

March – First two days of NCAA Tournament (aka “National Vasectomy Weekend”)

Think of the gifts!

April – Baseball Opening Day / NCAA Tournament Championship (forever to be held on the same Monday every year)

I’m not kidding, this is the only way I would watch baseball

May – Day after F1 Monaco race, Indianapolis 500, and Coca Cola 600 NASCAR race (coincides with Memorial Day, but renamed)

June – Nothing

July – Fourth of July (because fireworks, dammit!)

August – Nothing

September – Monday of NFL Week 1 (the two Monday games can be played during the day.  Celebrate with barbecues and beer.)

Just reading that makes me want to drink heavily.

October – Nothing

November – Thanksgiving and Friday after Thanksgiving (aka “National High School Reunion Night”)

December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve

Simple enough, innit?



International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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Old School Zeromonty this seems strange to meballsofsteelandfurySill BimmonsSpanky Datass (@SpankyDatass) Recent comment authors
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Old School Zero

The first week of August should be “Fuck you, it’s too hot out”.

I only named it that because “Climate Change Awareness Week” got voted out of committee.

Sill Bimmons

You left out the obvious: All-Day McDonald’s breakfast.

Name five things you could care about after a Bacon,Egg And Cheese biscuit at 9 PM. You can’t.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I would also add:
November 1st, so that Halloween parties can happen on Halloween
1st Day of Spring/Summer/Fall, so that we can enjoy it. Those are generally the idealized versions of their particular seasons.
1st Day of Winter so we can prepare to have our GODDAMNED SOULS CRUSHED
Opening Day of BBQ Season (The most important day of the year)

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

We take Cardinals opening day off here. Even if you don’t go to the game, you may as well take the day off, since nobody goes to work, or if they do, they watch the game there. We just drink the city into oblivion.

Then we have race riots.

Spanky Datass (@SpankyDatass)

First komment and avatar check … is this thing on?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

It’s on – nice to see you!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Shoot me a direct message here or on Uproxx with your email if you want to write any articles here and I’ll add you.

Spanky Datass (@SpankyDatass)



Chicago is quite progressive:

Horatio Cornblower (@HoratioCorn2)

I am now going to spend the rest of the day thinking of ways to get June, August and October involved. I think June should get a day to celebrate the end of the hockey and basketball seasons. We could call it “Wait, They’re Still Playing?” Day

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Shoot me a direct message here or on Uproxx with your email if you want to write any articles here and I’ll add you.

monty this seems strange to me

This is, like, literally the greatest thing I’ve ever read. When I cast my 2016 presidential vote, I’m writing in “Balls”.

Horatio Cornblower (@HoratioCorn2)

They’ll just give that vote to Hilary. Hurr durr something something get in the kitchen.