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I was reading Old School Zero’s komment on the AFL Beat post about sports holidays and that gave me an idea. Consider this the first of an occasional series on how we can improve our country. Today, I present to you two revolutionary concepts:
Concept the First: Stop naming schools after US Presidents!
How many fucking Wilson High Schools, Middle Schools, and Elementary Schools need to exist? It’s always the same presidents too. Pretty much every large city in the United States has a school named after either Washington, Jefferson, or Lincoln. Enough!
My proposal:
Yes, we need to start naming schools after NFL legends just like King of the Hill proposed many years ago. It makes perfect sense. I am frankly shocked that there is not a Roger Staubach Elementary School or a Troy Aikman High School in Dallas. Similarly, you would have a Franco Harris Middle School, Rocky Bleier Elementary, and Chuck Noll High School in Pittsburgh. Think of the possibilities:
Minneapolis: Fran Tarkenton Span School (K-8), Chuck Muncie Elementary, Bud Grant High School.
Kansas City: Hank Stram High School, Len Dawson Elementary, Derrick Thomas Middle, Trent Greene Special Education Center
Boston: Tom Brady Elementary, Bill Belichick Adult School, Steve Grogan Middle.
New York: Joe Namath Junior High School, Lawrence Taylor Middle School, Weeb Ewbank Early Education Center
Concept the Second: Re-organize our Holidays around Sports
Here are the public holidays that most public agency employees receive:
January – New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day
February – President’s Day
March – Nothing
April – Nothing
May – Memorial Day
June – Nothing
July – Fourth of July
August – Nothing
September – Labor Day
October – Columbus Day
November – Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Friday after Thanksgiving
December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve
As you can see, there are a lot of wasted days. As mentioned above, fuck the Presidents. What the hell did they ever do for us anyway? Also, while I greatly appreciate the military and all they have done, do, and will continue to do, two days of “pretending” to remember them is too much. This country treats military personnel like it treats its old people: Takes advantage of all their hard work and sacrifice and when they get to be a bother, puts them in a home and forgets about them until it’s time to trot them out to make us feel better about ourselves. Fuck that.
My proposal:
January – New Year’s Day (for recovering from the Amateur Hour drunkenness of the year before)
February – Monday after Super Bowl
March – First two days of NCAA Tournament (aka “National Vasectomy Weekend”)
April – Baseball Opening Day / NCAA Tournament Championship (forever to be held on the same Monday every year)
May – Day after F1 Monaco race, Indianapolis 500, and Coca Cola 600 NASCAR race (coincides with Memorial Day, but renamed)
June – Nothing
July – Fourth of July (because fireworks, dammit!)
August – Nothing
September – Monday of NFL Week 1 (the two Monday games can be played during the day. Celebrate with barbecues and beer.)
October – Nothing
November – Thanksgiving and Friday after Thanksgiving (aka “National High School Reunion Night”)
December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve
Simple enough, innit?
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