(Interior: 69th Floor of a Manhattan high-rise building. Corner conference room with glass walls with a view of lower Manhattan)
Ad Exec #1: Hey Don, you know anything about this new guy coming in?
Don: Nah, Pete. Heard nothing about him. He’s supposedly on this job exchange program the NFL bigwigs dreamt up to broaden their horizons. Who the fuck knows? All I know is that I can dump this loser of a campaign on him…
(Heavy rumbling sound is heard)
Don: Shit, he’s coming!
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Rex: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?!
Don: Uh, Coach Ryan, is it?
Rex: Oh, Men. MEN. Are you as excited for this as I am? Are you ready to KILL? Are you ready to ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK? Btw, what the fuck are we doing?
Pete: We are an ad agency. The best one in the world, as a matter of fact. We help craft classic advertising campaigns that the world embraces and adores. And we are paid handsomely for it.
Rex: So, you’re bullshit artists?
Don: Yeah, pretty much. So, tell me, Rex is it? Do you have any experience with legal brothels?
Rex: Oh! Oh! Oh! Do I have any fucking experience? Do you know who the fuck I am and who the fuck my brother is? We’ve been terrorizing whorehouses from TJ to Amsterdam to Thailand and back since you were yanking your piddly dick to Marsha Brady in the bathroom of your daddy’s basement! Shit, Rob would be in one right now if he hadn’t come with me on this trip to look for that Katie Nolan chick that’s stalking him.
Don: Sorry, I didn’t mean to…
Rex: That’s ok, Numbnuts! Actually, Pete, you look more like a Numbnuts. NICKNAMES! Pete, you’re NUMBNUTS. Don, you look like the type of guy that has banged pretty much every secretary in this joint. Am I right?
Don: Rex, we can’t really talk about that…
Rex: Whoa!!! Old HORSE COCK here has plowed his way through all the office pussy! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!!
(slaps Don on the ass. HARD!)
Don: Ouch! Ok, can we move on to the campaign now?
Pete: Rex, our client is out in Nevada and operates one of the few legal brothels in the United States. It’s called Sheri’s Ranch. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?
Rex: Heard of it? When I was with the Jets, ol’ Woody set up the team with a line of credit there! How do you think he got the name Woody? His mom and dad sure didn’t name him that at birth!
I remember the players would visit, pay nothing, and then we’d
fine them for doing stupid shit to get the money back from their game checks. You really think I gave a fuck if a backup free safety was late for practice?
Hell, Nacho always wanted them to dress up as Catholic school girls. Must be some Mexican thing…
Don: Good, so you know the product. Until now, certain types of businesses were not allowed to advertise. Now that things are getting looser what with marijuana being legal…
Rex: Bet you love that, don’t you HORSE COCK?
Don: and gay marriage being made legal throughout the country…
Rex: That’s more your line isn’t it, NUMBNUTS? Hey, I’m glad you finally can get married now. When are you and your partner going to put out your first foot video?
Pete: Uh, Rex, we’re not into that. Can we focus back onto the campaign?
Don: Anyway, things are changing and our client wants to be ready when the legislation is repealed. Any ideas for the campaign?
Rex: STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS NIGHT! Every Sunday night, everyone can celebrate the Bills’ victory with a nice juicy steak and an equally juicy blowjob! And the ladyfolk can get their own version. Call it Eating Out Sunday.
Pete: Ok, that’s good for a promotion, but we’re looking for a higher concept. We’re making art here!
Rex: Art is what I just created in that fancy ass toilet you have over there in the corner! You ad people are weird. That’s the first time I’ve seen a bathroom with no door and a view of the city.
Don: Please tell me you didn’t take a dump on our floor model bidet!
Rex: Biday? That weird pink thing was a French toilet?
Pete: Oh God!
Rex: Anyway, you boys take that to the Met and I guarantee you’ll get millions to pay admission to see it and some sheik will probably pay you a million for the whole thing. You’re welcome.
Also, here’s your fucking print ad:
Now, I’ve given you the best game plan in the NFL. BRING IT IN!
(Don and Pete bring it in)
Rex: Who’s gonna create the GREATEST DAMN AD CAMPAIGN in the history of the world?!!
Don and Pete: We are!
Rex: Are you ready to become AD PANTHERS!? No, AD COBRAS!
Don and Pete: Yes!
Rex: FUCKING AD ON THREE ONE TWO THREE AD!!!!!!
Don and Pete: Huh?
Rex: Where the fuck’s the real toilet? I’ve got another Picasso in me waiting to get out.
If there’s a sequel, I can’t wait to see Rex’s nickname for Joan.
So glad ol’ Rex is back. He appears to have a lucrative career ahead of him as a motivational speaker once the NFL outlaws pussytubing.
While Sheri’s Ranch is a fine establishment with many redeeming qualities I personally feel that the Chicken Ranch is the superior brothel.
They’ve got a lot of nice girls-uh.
So glad Rex is back! Miss Don and Pete, though. Sigh…
I envision this as a recurring series where Rex goes around the country doing different jobs and motivating everyone in his special way to KILL and ATTACK and WIN. I’m proposing everyone join in and write their own Rex Ryan tale.
Damn, there sure are a lot of doors flying open around here tonight. Good to see ol’ Rex is still in fine form.