Fantasy Players Ready To Bust Out

Did I ever tell you about the time I picked up Clinton Portis in the 11th round of my 2002 fantasy draft? You see, Mike Anderson had grabbed 1500 yards in 2000 and then split time with Terrell Davis the following year and racked up 800 in 8 games after Davis went down. Mr. Anderson (Matrix reference!) was THE #1 back going into the season but I have this thingthought (new word!) that goes like this-DON’T SLEEP ON U OF MIAMI BACKS! 15 Td’s and 1500 yards later and I was losing in the semi-finals. Let that be a lesson for you. Here are my picks for players that are going to set the world on fire in 2015.

Benny Cunningham, RB, Rams: Watch out for this kid, he’s got “star” written all over him. In 2013 he destroyed opposing defenses with 47 total carries. He was just getting started. Last year BOOM! 66 carries and he brought the heat every time. Some Negative Nelly’s would point out that those 19 added touches resulted in 15 less yards but Benny will tell you that his athletic cup is always half full. What I look at is the TD’s. The points on the board. The 100 bead on the abacus. You know, the stuff that matters. Benny brought one score to 2013. Fair enough. Last year? 3 TD’s, brother. You know what that means for 2015? That’s right [counts on fingers] 10, uh, 9 mother-loving banana sundaes! Get on the bandwagon with this deity in the making because come 2016 he’s rolling up 27 how-do-you-do’s! Mark it down.

Donald Brown, RB, Chargers: D-Brow, as I like to call him, has played us all for suckers. Since 2009 he’s been biding his time as sweet as you please. You see a marked lack of production but I see a calm as hell dude checking out the lay of the land. And this land? It’s not made for you and me, it’s made for the one and only Donald Brown. This cat has decided to lay low in the Diego and forced management to draft a high-powered back, some kid with two first names. When Brown crushes him production-wise this year the revenge will be that much sweeter. And I’ll be right there, shaking my head and saying, “I knew you were going to pull this off six years ago”.

Blake Bortles, QB, Jags: Lock up your daughters fantasy owners because this hefty piece of man-beef is taking no prisoners this year. D-backs got a little too comfy fondling Blake’s balls last year. This year’ll be different. Old Double B, the man who single-handedly turned Allen Hurns into a household name in the Hurns’ house has got a little surprise for y’all. I’m saying that this football god-in-waiting will easily increase last year’s 11 TD throws by at least 5%, maybe more. Don’t sleep on the 30 yards per game rushing he brings weekly either. He’s not running FOR his life, he’s running TO his life. We should all be so lucky.

Gavin Escobar, TE, Cowboys: They call him Pablo but he doesn’t do Coke, he’s a Pepsi kinda guy. That’s Escobar in a nutshell-you think he’s gonna zig, he zags. Opponents have learned this the hard way 18 times over the last two years. Sure, Jason “The Ball Hog” Witten has 137 catches over the same period of time but wouldn’t you try to be as productive as possible when there’s a guy named after a dead Columbian drug lord breathing down your neck? I know I would. Gavin’s got the hands-two of them as a matter of fact-to get the job done. This is the year he jobs Witten out of a job. It’s a done deal.

Kenbrell Thompkins, WR, Raiders: Kenbrell shocked the world with a 5 catch 90 yard feasting on the carcass of the Bills D in December of 2014. That’s just a taste of what you’ll be seeing this year. Amari Cooper’s got nothing on this two year vet that’s just aching to blossom. He’s got the big pistil and Derek Carr is going to deliver that sweet, sweet pollen. Oh yeah. The TD’s will be coming fast and furious my friend. This dude ain’t no waiver wire refugee. He’s realer than Obama’s plan to take away your guns.

Aaron Hernandez, Loose End, Various Latino Gangs: It’s all or nothing for this kid. He was a big target on the field and he’s a bigger one in prison. If he’s not careful he’ll end up on the wrong end of a sharpened mop handle. On the plus side, we know this guy is a hard worker and he’ll do everything it takes to scale that wall, take a guard hostage or crawl through an air duct in order to gain his freedom. This cool cucumber was born to play football and die in a hail of bullets.