Matt Hasselbeck Has A Rough Day

HBeck

 

Matt Hasselbeck: Man, what a great day! Backing up this Andrew Luck kid is such a wonderful job, it’s like he never gets hurt! Thank God I didn’t take the Cowboys’ offer. Man, would I ever be sore. Hey, there’s a 7-Eleven! I could sure go for a Slurpee right now.

7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?

Matt Hasselbeck: Wait…what did you say?

7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?

Matt Hasselbeck: Uh, I guess.

(walks home, a little sad)

Matt Hasselbeck: Aw, the darn paper’s in the bushes again. Hey, neighbor, did you see the paperboy today?

Neighbor: Nope, sorry. Next time I see him I’ll let him know Mr. Clean is pissed.

Matt Hasselbeck: No, my last name’s Hassel – oh, I get it. I get jokes.

(runs inside before neighbor sees his eyes well up)

Matt Hasselbeck: (sniffling a bit) Man, people can be just so, so uncaring. Maybe I’ll send out a tweeter to let everyone know how hurtful they can be.

(connects to AOL)

@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter

Matt Hasselbeck: There, that should do it. Now, for a nice nap.

(naps nicely)

Matt Hasselbeck: Gee, that was refreshing. Let’s see if anyone saw my twit!

@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter

     

Patrick Stewart @KirksASissyMary

@Hasselbeck  Splendid and Top Notch!

 

Matt Hasselbeck: All right – a positive response! I hope they’re all like that…

     

Lee Majors @BetterStrongerFaster

@Hasselbeck  Hey, don’t you care about stuntmen? #FallGuysMatter

Dikembe Mutombo @WhoWantsToSexMe

@Hasselbeck  I wag my finger at you. #TallGuysMatter

Roy Horn @NotAllTigers

@Hasselbeck  What wrong brain with you damage? #MauledGuysMatter

Fortunato @TapThatCask

@Hasselbeck  (muffled sounds) #WalledGuysMatter

 

Matt Hasselbeck: Oh man, everyone’s taking this wrong. I wasn’t trying to say other guys don’t matter, I was just drawing attention to a specific problem with people verbally abusing bald guys. This is really disheartening. I need to talk to someone who gets me.

(dials phone)

Tim Hasselbeck: Hello?

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, bro, it’s Matt.

Tim Hasselbeck: [whispers] Oh, crap…listen Matt, I’m not supposed to talk to you. Elizabeth said you joined some kind of hate group…?

Matt Hasselbeck: …

0 0 votes
Article Rating
SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
Subscribe
Notify of
25 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
WhyEaglesWhy

I came for the dick jokes, I stayed for the commentary.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Next week; Matt returns for another fucking Slurpee.

http://gifs.gifbin.com/g64795857g6.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The flowers are growing nicely over the last asshole that made fun of my baldness.

Lothar of the Hill People

I was expecting this to be bald jokes, or right-wing loony blonde jokes, but it took a turn and became social commentary.

Bravo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BrettFarve @FourInchPianist

@Hasselbeck: IT WAS REALLY COLD THAT DAY! #SmallGuysMatter

Cuntler

WarrenSapp @HonorableJudgeSapp

@Hasselbeck I don’t care what they say, it was consensual! #BalledGuysMatter

montythisseemsstrangetome

Ben Roethlisberger @HarfHarf

I’m with you @HonorableJudgeSapp #StallGuysMatter

sunrisesunrise

A) Thank you for this one. I wasn’t sure which way to go with this.
2) You’re on a roll this morning. Keep it up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

NateSolder @SolderingIron

@WarrenSapp hey stop bogarting my hashtag #BalledGuysMatter

Brick Meathook

John Kruk @NotaRobber
@Hasselbeck Fuck off #BallGuysMatter

Cuntler

Lance Armstrong @uniball7xchamp
THIS @NotaRobber @Hasselbeck Fuck off #BallGuysMatter

montythisseemsstrangetome

John Jastremski @DoritoDink
This #BallGuy is off the hook!

blaxabbath

I had no idea Matt Hasselbeck was still around.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Apparently his head is still a-round.

Enrico Pallazzo

#GoodellDoesn’tMatter

whorootbeerdatbe
ssi_bulldawg

Hawt taeks, there a’ comin’

nomonkeyfun

I told all you fahk heads that ah Tawmmy did nawt do it. Tawmmy is as innocent as that fahkin’ snow that keeps morah of tha dahkies out of Dahchester. That slut Bridget probably let noodle ahmed Pennington into hera snatch. Ouwah Tawmmy nevah does anything wrong-a. I’m ga’in to the packie ta celebrate.
/dips
Latah fahktahds.
/flexes

/Goodell delenda est

whorootbeerdatbe

I want him to make it through the first four games, then get injured, making this whole rigmarole utterly pointless. I want a straight-up Burn After Reading resolution to all of this.

...

It’s okay to envision, dream of, make manifest, and masturbate to.

Horatio Cornblower

No, since I took him in the FF darft expecting Goodell’s report to get tossed and this is my only chance to look SMRT.

I NEED THIS!!!!

Lothar of the Hill People

If I weren’t fast becoming more of an atheist than the agnostic I used to be, I’d say, “From your lips to God’s ears.”

Lothar of the Hill People

No, fuck it. I want him to be fully Theismanned.