Inaugural JV NFL Saturday Open Thread

Sadly there is no EPL thread this morning because everyone is on international break.  Yes, this is a real thing and yes, it is as pointless and annoying as it sounds.

The Thursday night openers were pretty much epic shitshows (I am writing this prior to whatever joys Friday night has to bring), but be nice.  After all, these are mostly just unpaid interns, aside from the occasional $500 handshake here and there.*

*Prices may vary by region, particularly the SEC West.

Your best chances to see interesting JV footy today are as follows (all times EST because I’m fucking biased):

Stanford at Northwestern (Noon, ESPN)

This is not a particularly good game, but it is really the only one in the window between two real teams.  Seriously, that’s how chickenshit the schedules are in the modern era.

Louisville vs. Auburn in Atlanta, GA (3:30, CBS)

Auburn is ranked really, really high, and I can’t quite figure out why.  I guess when in doubt, pick a team from the SEC West.  I wouldn’t put an upset, or at least a scare, past the Fightin’ Petrinos, though.  He may a pretty sketchy dude, but his teams are always ready to fucking play footbaw.

Troy at NC State (6:00, ESPN3)

Hey, fuck you, I said I was biased. Jacoby Brissett is realy fucking good.  Remember that name come draft time.

Arizona State vs. Texas A&M in Houston, TX (7:00, ESPN)

Random Pac 12 and SEC teams should play each other more often.  It interests me.  Same wrt teh Big 12.

Wisconsin vs. Alabama in JerryWorld (8:00, ABC)

Yeehaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Nick Saban will be joyless, Wiscy will have a new plodding tailback.  Continuity.

Mississippi State at Southern Miss (10:00, FS1)

What’s more suicide inducing – Starkville or Hattiesburg?  Talk about your failure pile in a sadness bowl.  Brittfar will have a full 3.5-inch erection for this one, no doubt.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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WCS
blordinaryfagicmox

Rifftrax just taunted me with a 10$ gift card but it turns out I already used it last week. The bastards.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

SportsCenter – brought to you by DULCOLAX. YESSSSSSS

Sill Bimmons

B1G B1G B1G B1G B1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1GB1G B1G B1G B1G

Horatio Cornblower

You know who in Kentucky didn’t get to see that game? That cunt Kim Davis.

WCS

WVU shuts out Georgia Southern, 44-0.

GSU led college football in rushing last year, and was ninth in total offense. They won the Sun Belt Conference in their debut season of 2014. It was also the first time GSU has been shut out in 20 years.

O WCS GON DRANK BULLLLEEEEEE DAT CHUH CHUH

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Pride, maybe? They should listen to Marsellus Wallace.

The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.

Horatio Cornblower

Did Marsellus say that before or after he got run over, beat up and then fucked in the ass by a hillbilly cop?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That would be before. Seems like the kind of thing that could also fuck with your pride, right?

blordinaryfagicmox

Dear assorted sports new outlets:
For every article I see tomorrow about “Early Heisman Frontrunners,” I shall Kill you.
http://i1129.photobucket.com/albums/m517/KYLE-D1/Family%20Guy/FGMetDeadMan0004.jpg

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Remember Kenny Hill last year? That was fun.

blordinaryfagicmox

Did he get drafted by the Browns yet?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski dropped this on me today, and it’s running roughshod over my brain right now.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/1iAYhQsQhSY

Horatio Cornblower

That Cajun was ragin’ a little too hard with that face-mask amirite?

WCS

Oklahoma edumacashun:

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Horatio Cornblower

Based on Week 1 I feel completely safe in saying that Notre Dame will play Alabama for the national title in January. It’s clear as day.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Gonna party like it’s 2013, huh?

scotchnaut

Buddy: Why’d you pick Adrian Peterson at #1?

Me: He’s going to be really fresh and ready to go because unlike his son, he hasn’t been hit in more than a year.

Buddy: …..

WCS

theeWeeBabySeamus

CHARLIE MURPHY!!!!

WCS

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT MAH LEGS EDDIE MURPHY?!

theeWeeBabySeamus

YOU KNOW HE CAN AFFORD ANOTHER COUCH!!!!

WCS

DAGGUMMIT PAWL DEYS LOOSIANIANS JUS DON KNO WAT IT MEANS TO BE DUN PLAYIN FOOBAWL IN DA EESSSSS EEEEEEE SEEEE PAWL CUZ DATS WE WE PLAY PAWL IS IN DUN DANGED ESSSSSSS EEEEEE SEEEEEEE PAAAAWWLLLLLL

theeWeeBabySeamus

Looks like a Chapel Hill sellout in Lexington…lots of visible aluminum.

WCS

WVU safety Karl Joseph has four interceptions tonight. Three in the third quarter. Oh, and a fumble recovery.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Man, a day drink is a great way to have an evening hangover. WHYYYYYYYYYY

scotchnaut

Someone get this amateur another drink.

blordinaryfagicmox

The only drink he needs is some HTML5 Koolaid and a splash of Ruby on Rails. *cracks whip* Get back in the web-coding mines!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

God, I love ROR. I built a custom form for some asshole Friday with it. He hated my first form and demanded a shittier looking one. And people wonder why I drink.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey, you can build some pretty kickass forms with drugs.

blordinaryfagicmox

Whitespace (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitespace_%28programming_language%29) I would consider the LSD of programming languages.
“Like, what if the program is what you DONT see….”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

For some reason, now I have a headache again.

Also, this makes me think of “You know those guitars that are like…Double Guitars?”

blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

Getting high on water (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_intoxication) would be Assembly.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I am out of practice. One day, I will heed “Beer before liquor, you’ve never been sicker.” One day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have to admit, I miss the obligatory crowd shots of AJ McCarron’s GF and Mom.

WCS

…and creepy comments from old announcers.

scotchnaut

So my in-person fantasy draft was today. I think it was about 37 degrees with the humidity but at least fifty or what felt like it in front of the BBQ. I’m sure I lost 5 pounds in ball sweat alone.

scotchnaut

Umm, that is in Celsius by the way.

scotchnaut

Kelvin? That bastard didn’t even show up for the draft and we had to scramble. Fuck Kelvin.

blordinaryfagicmox

Rankine of GTFO. It features the smugness of an absolute temperature scale with the increased granularity of a freedom-based temperature scale (i.e. Fahrenheit). In conclusion, Rankine. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rankine_scale

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That’s why we do ours at Dave and Busters. They give you a free room!

WCS

Yeah, I think Kansas State’s band director may be looking for a new job soon…

http://www.sbnation.com/2015/9/5/9267713/kansas-state-bands-halftime-show-sure-looks-like-a-jayhawk-performing

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oughta get a raise.

WCS

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WCS

Hey, Texas scored.