Sadly there is no EPL thread this morning because everyone is on international break.  Yes, this is a real thing and yes, it is as pointless and annoying as it sounds.

The Thursday night openers were pretty much epic shitshows (I am writing this prior to whatever joys Friday night has to bring), but be nice.  After all, these are mostly just unpaid interns, aside from the occasional $500 handshake here and there.*

*Prices may vary by region, particularly the SEC West.

Your best chances to see interesting JV footy today are as follows (all times EST because I’m fucking biased):

Stanford at Northwestern (Noon, ESPN)

This is not a particularly good game, but it is really the only one in the window between two real teams.  Seriously, that’s how chickenshit the schedules are in the modern era.

Louisville vs. Auburn in Atlanta, GA (3:30, CBS)

Auburn is ranked really, really high, and I can’t quite figure out why.  I guess when in doubt, pick a team from the SEC West.  I wouldn’t put an upset, or at least a scare, past the Fightin’ Petrinos, though.  He may a pretty sketchy dude, but his teams are always ready to fucking play footbaw.

Troy at NC State (6:00, ESPN3)

Hey, fuck you, I said I was biased. Jacoby Brissett is realy fucking good.  Remember that name come draft time.

Arizona State vs. Texas A&M in Houston, TX (7:00, ESPN)

Random Pac 12 and SEC teams should play each other more often.  It interests me.  Same wrt teh Big 12.

Wisconsin vs. Alabama in JerryWorld (8:00, ABC)

Yeehaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Nick Saban will be joyless, Wiscy will have a new plodding tailback.  Continuity.

Mississippi State at Southern Miss (10:00, FS1)

What’s more suicide inducing – Starkville or Hattiesburg?  Talk about your failure pile in a sadness bowl.  Brittfar will have a full 3.5-inch erection for this one, no doubt.