Sadly there is no EPL thread this morning because everyone is on international break. Yes, this is a real thing and yes, it is as pointless and annoying as it sounds.
The Thursday night openers were pretty much epic shitshows (I am writing this prior to whatever joys Friday night has to bring), but be nice. After all, these are mostly just unpaid interns, aside from the occasional $500 handshake here and there.*
*Prices may vary by region, particularly the SEC West.
Your best chances to see interesting JV footy today are as follows (all times EST because I’m fucking biased):
Stanford at Northwestern (Noon, ESPN)
This is not a particularly good game, but it is really the only one in the window between two real teams. Seriously, that’s how chickenshit the schedules are in the modern era.
Louisville vs. Auburn in Atlanta, GA (3:30, CBS)
Auburn is ranked really, really high, and I can’t quite figure out why. I guess when in doubt, pick a team from the SEC West. I wouldn’t put an upset, or at least a scare, past the Fightin’ Petrinos, though. He may a pretty sketchy dude, but his teams are always ready to fucking play footbaw.
Troy at NC State (6:00, ESPN3)
Hey, fuck you, I said I was biased. Jacoby Brissett is realy fucking good. Remember that name come draft time.
Arizona State vs. Texas A&M in Houston, TX (7:00, ESPN)
Random Pac 12 and SEC teams should play each other more often. It interests me. Same wrt teh Big 12.
Wisconsin vs. Alabama in JerryWorld (8:00, ABC)
Yeehaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nick Saban will be joyless, Wiscy will have a new plodding tailback. Continuity.
Mississippi State at Southern Miss (10:00, FS1)
What’s more suicide inducing – Starkville or Hattiesburg? Talk about your failure pile in a sadness bowl. Brittfar will have a full 3.5-inch erection for this one, no doubt.
Stuck with the last two innings of this fucking Yankees game.
I LIVE IN THE MARKET I SHOULD GET DIFFERENT NATIONAL GAMES
if it helps, Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals home games never start until :15 after the hour.
Yeah, but if gob forbid the Yankees tie this up I’m looking at extra innings.
it will stream on FoxSportsGo, just need your cable/satellite login info
/but agreed, being old…I prefer teh teevee box myself
Yeah, watching it on the iPad sucks, but yinz do wat yinz gatta.
BYU at Nebraska? NAH. You’ll get Clemson-Wofford, and you’ll like it!
Worse, the ACC shitfest game cuts into the first quarter of the 3:30 CBS SEC game in the Raleigh market. There’s a secondary cable feed, but it’s fucking SD.
Don’t Masturbate, Kids
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N8_iGywV4k4/Tj1TigpLSzI/AAAAAAAAAC0/cFC9tbER4Pg/s1600/Muschamp.jpg
Well now the ladies can’t help but START masturbating ,, amirite??
Team Big Love can’t tackle for shit.
Nice to see Petrino back in “Motorcycle accident with Hooker” mode
Fuckers are gonna have me watching el beisbol ,, smgdh
Where the fuck was he throwing?
Kansas just lost in the most Kansas way possible. Jebus Cripes.
At least their cheerleaders are still inexplicably hot. Seriously, how do they find such talent in fucking KANSAS?
You’re just old.
Every woman that age is hot to us at this age.
We’re programmed to try one last time before we check out.
oh, I’m old. But even I’m not dumb enough to TRY anymore.
Always thought KS had one of the most consistently excellent squads, and could make no sense of it.
Getting ready to head to Jack Murphy Stadium to tailgate for the Aztec game.
I have fond memories of doing that. We took some kind of shuttle and someone was passing around a joint. By halftime it had basically turned into a block party in the parking lot.
I think I would enjoy the laid-back West Coast JV NFL gameday experience. Especially with drugs.
Really do think I’m headed to that time zone when my kids fly out the nest.
I will be focusing on the basing-balled contest.
Pitt’s gonna suck, so…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Never saw that before. Trying to set up a long FG attempt to force OT, the QB bobbles the exchange and falls down before he can spike it. Clock runs out.
Oh wow, which game?
KS derping against South Dakota State. Lost 41-38.
OLIVER 3STACKS @edsbs 5m ago
…aaaaaand okay, you brought Uncle Gary. No, no, I promise not to talk to him about politics or the spread offense. PROMISE.
OLIVER 3STACKS @edsbs 4m ago
VERNE
VERNE I MISSED YOUUUUUUU
KS doesn’t understand how time works.
Jesus christ.
http://static.tumblr.com/me5p5a6/LjVm2uzhy/bluto.gif
Oh boy, college football Saturday I hope I don’t pass out from binge drinkimg today.
It’s your duty as an American
Jesus Christ. I just now noticed the warlord with the fake nose and giant tumorous feet has pierced nipples he rubs when they see the rig headed back for the Citadel.
UVa fans are proof that an alien invasion isn’t the worst thing that could happen to humanity.
Pitt only up on Youngstown State by six.
http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd142/Bvv31389/internet/snicker.gif
Have they destroyed Heinz Field yet?
Millions of dollars in improvements if they did!
Shut up.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
GET FUCKED STANFORD
So many mouth-breathers out today. Fucking Bruins just had to play a team from the south.
In about 10 years, Pat Fitzgerald, is going to have a massive set of man boobs.
The NCAA is one of the few organizations even more corrupt and evil than the NFL, and I’m still going to watch the Trojans pigfuck some third-rate team tonight because fuck it. FOOTBALL!
HE LIVES!!!
I LIVE, I LOOK AT PORN, I LIVE AGAIN!!!!
Funny. I’m actually watching Mad Max right now.
BOOM MOTHERFUCKERS
FUCK YOU STANFORD
THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU NOT ADMITTING ME AT ALL
I applied only to NC State. Let’s just say my ambition matched my ability.
Waitlist this, you pinefuckers
“Now now, you can’t punish someone just because they refused to admit something.”
– U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman
That should be it, Stanford slept walked that entire game.
When you’re saying things like “Stanford has a chance at a comeback” with <8 minutes in the fourth, Northwestern has already won.
You think Make it Snow ain’t gon drank?
Texas at Notre Dame.
GO METEOR
This would be worth Snow’s personal sacrifice, and he knows it…
Ride it to the Gates of Valhalla!
Good God is Stanford playing terrible.
So wait what’s the difference between the Andy Lucks in that DirectTV commercial? Crazy beard, eh, um I’m not seeing it.
Different haircut?
New glasses.
Fuck, man. I’m starting to think Northwestern could win. This isn’t good for me as a Northwestern alum.
Insurmountable lead!
Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard.
Holy cockballs, Kansas is losing 31-7 to South Dakota State. At home. In 2015. The Jayhawks are going to be historically fucktacular this year.
That’s why you don’t fire fat Mangino.
And then Fat(ter?) Charlie Weis!
Given how intensely the QB studies his wristband, Standford must have a plethora of intricate-as-fuck off-tackle plays.
We may be looking at Phillip Rivers 2.0. Have you seen those floaters?
Guess what one of the cats got me for my birthday? A PILE OF VOMIT, ALL OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH. Thanks, cat. Thanks. I will eat you for Labor Day dinner.
Are we sure it was the cat? Let’s not be hasty…
How does one illegitimately have athleticism?
Roids? EPO? Paying someone to move your legs for you like Oprah does?
Being one of Wilt Chamberlain’s 500 bastards?
Holy god, my fantasy team in the legacy league looks like shit. It’s great how the knuckleheads at NFL.com rate how you did in your draft and I’m projected to finish in 7th fucking place.
Who thought up that shit?
I’m already tortured enough!
In my three drafts, I’ve gotten B’s for each one. B for Balls?
Can’t unsee.
Thanks! I never wanted to get an erection again, anyway!
Sweet mother of fuck.
I’m alive. I think?
Give it like 2 more hours…
We could all be dead. It would explain several troubling inconsistencies…
How the hell is Stanford ranked?
It looks like half the Rutgers players have never seen or handled a football before.
This week has been crazy busy and I haven’t had time to keep up with y’all, which is sad making. However, I just went to the gym and stopped by the liquor store’s Labor Day sale on the way home, so I am well stocked to drunkenly rant at everybody for the foreseeable future. I gots a fancy new dry vermouth I haven’t tried yet, and a Bunnahabhain special edition! And yummy Rye! And a big ol’ thing of Bombay Sapphire. I love me some gin, but damn, the high end gin market is crowded now, Sapphire is way lower on the price scale than it used to be, so huzzah I guess? Anyway, martinis later. I gots caper berries instead of olives.
Bombay Sapphire is such a delight.
The way Stanford is playing, they might as well just move to the B1G already.
Also, it seems Timmy has been cut by the Eagles…
I’m kinda happy about the Tebow thing. It’s bad enough being a [*Redacted] s fan without losing a division game to a Timmy squad.
Alright, I was hoping to get a CFB open thread. I’ll take Oregon cheerleader #4 and #2, in that order.
Also, #2 from the right is my very favourite. I think I love her.
Jazz Hands on the left seems like a lot of fun.
I read that as “Jizz Hands.”
Yeah, it’s been awhile, why do you ask??
Jazz Hands looks like she needs Velcro to close her shoes and No. 2 from the right looks like her five-head gets cold real fast. Now… No. 1 on the right, that’s my choice. Although, 50:50 on better conversation with Sparano’s football.
Too bad you’re not out here, Hippo. I know some places.
They do gymnastics too!
Good call, she looks mischievous, and therefore probably pretty fun.
I once went on a date with a woman who coached tennis (at USC? UCLA? Somewhere decent) and she said that one “mischievous” girl wasn’t trouble on road trips, the problem was when you had two of them. I said that didn’t sound like something I’d call a “problem”.
She also told me that she had hooked up with a Dallas Cowboy in Vegas. Date didn’t really go anywhere, but she was pretty cool.
Ten will get you one it was Michael Irvin
I just read a stupid article that fanny packs are coming back. Stupid millennials.
No, I am not on the toilet looking at the Internet. Why do you ask?
Who’s douchey, Frat Bros or Hipsters.
Yes
Speaking of which, shouldn’t there be a Bro shouting NEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!! throughout this entire noon fixture?
Righto old boy
Not sure it’s the millenials.
http://ilarge.lisimg.com/image/7083724/968full-bob's-burgers-screenshot.jpg
Penn St plays Temple today.
Boys getting raped in the shower vs. passed-out women getting raped.
Would anyone really miss Pennsylvania if we sold it to Iceland?
I don’t think the Icelanders would take it. Let’s just make the whole state a reservation for the Amish. They’re really more than halfway there.
HEY! HEY! HEYHEYHEYHEY!
To answer your question, no, probably not.
I dunno… Simpsons is on FXX and is way more entertaining than College Gameday at the current moment.
That’s a pretty big key…
It’s only later in the season that the pop starlets show up…
She was SO MUCH FUN. Even beyond the obvious prurient interest, she was great at playing to the crowd and talking about footbaw in a fresh and interesting way. Easily the best celebrity they’ve ever used.
How long has the Jacoby Brisset been smoked for?
-Andy Reid
Sorry, Andy and the Donald…he’s really dark.
Going out on a limb again and saying he could be Black Andrew Luck if the chips fall right. Just hasn’t had near the reps, so will take more development time. He’s even got the ability (and willingness) to grow the terrible, Amish-y facial hair.
Take notes for your fantasy barn-raising league, English.
Wait. You ignored Notre Dame v. Texas? All of us are SMH right now.
GET HYPE!!!!!!
Seriously, I’d watch 3.5 hours of armadillo abortions first.
YEAH! Notre Dame is the one who gets to ignore people*, not you.
*assuming those people are claiming that one of Notre Dame’s football players raped them.
Hey now, he went to confession. Probably. What MOAR do you MONSTERS want??
(Allegedly) Harassing some poor girl until she kills herself hardly counts as ‘ignoring.’
I wonder if this is the year that Lee Corso negligently kills an animal mascot during College Gameday
Just woke up at 5 AM West Coast time to tale my old man dump and am now going back to bed. Well done to everyone in the Late Night thread!
You’ve got a big challenge, JV football threaders! Rise to it!
Just like my penis fifteen minutes ago. #morning wood
I hear UCLA is supposed to be good. They’ll probably lose to Colorado.
If not straight up shitting the bed today.
I don’t understand the hype. We are starting a true freshman at QB, FFS!
He will be perfect and dominant and the Bruins will win by 50.
(Probably looking at a scary-ass 3 point win)
Well, when you are an UC with a history of startling hit or miss performances you get to start your season against Grambling State and get your ass handed to you from a school you had to look up. You’re welcome Pac-12!
Just going to sleep at 06:30, so, I most likely won’t be seeing any of those B1G games. However, WVU and Georgia Southern kick-off at 19:3o EST. I promise to be extraordinarily hungover, regardless of time. MAH BERTHDAY, TESTICLELICKERS.
http://sunnyordie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/gentlemen-suck-my-dick.gif
Well done! Now THAT’S how you celebrate a birthday!
/slaps WCS in the ass. EXTRA BIRTHDAY HARD!
HELL YEAH!
Happy 21st or whatever!
certainly somebody gave you pills for a present, no?
I baked you a cake with the Flyers logo but I am going to keep it for myself since I think you would probably just fling it n the floor.