It’s the Tennessee Titans: 2015 Preview, Screw You

The former Oilers (perhaps the most beloved franchise ever), are now so nondescript that they’re routinely lumped with arrivistes like the Jaguars and Texans. It’s not just hacks: the NFL Propaganda Arm split the teams by featuring separately the Titans and Oilers on the “Top Ten Phallic Logos” countdown—a travesty in which an erect and imposing oil derrick came in third.

Number eight via David Rappoccio

Whatever. The Oilers/Titans have an uninterrupted 54-year tradition of adequacy, loosely speaking. Progressive hiring has defined both teams, looking beyond race, origin—or even creed: Latter-Day Stompers, Cheesecake Factory Dogmatists, and 35-3-Leading Run ‘n Shoot Zealots have been prominent leaders. Any further doubt about both teams’ joint legacy was erased on Week 5, 2014, when The Brian Hoyer led the Browns to a 29-28 win in Tennessee. That allowed the Oilers/Titans to corner the NFL Comeback Records market, Biggest Losers Of category.

DL Jurrell Casey sits out a play on Week 5, 2014. Via BBC

Don’t let having the second pick in the 2015 Draft fool you; the Bucs may have been 2-14 as well, but they hung in there in many games. The Titans were just putrid, especially on defense. Hopefully new signings Brian Orakpo (LB), Perrish Cox (CB), Da’Norris Searcy (S), and Dick LeBeau (Philosopher King) will aid Jurrell Casey, currently occupying the roster spot reserved for monster linemen.

On offense, last year was the final reminder that outgoing O-Line assistant coach and head coach (Hall of Fame OLs Bruce Matthews and Mike Munchak), were incapable of developing several players able to prevent second degree assault in the backfield. New head coach Ken Whisenhunt won the opener at Kansas City, in retrospect the biggest surprise of 2014. Jake Locker started that game, and the rest was expected: eternal backup QB Charlie Whitehurst played more than in his previous eight seasons combined.

2014 Titan QBs via TVtropes & Nashville Lifestyles & The Tennesseean

By Week 8, the clipboard’s close spiritual relationship with Whitehurst was crumbling, so Zach Mettenberger took over. You may see a goofy 6^th round rookie QB that looks like the Brawny paper towel guy; I saw a big and raw prospect with a strong arm that played very bravely—until knocked into I.R.

I wanted Mettenberger to be the 2015 starter, as I had yet to see Marcus Mariota. (I avoid farm systems run like plantations.) From what I’ve read, Mariota is a gifted athlete and a scarily-together individual. On his first two preseason drives, he threw an INT and had a fumble returned for a TD. Right after, he drove the team for a TD (against Falcon reserves; kudos to Dementors for that nugget). Since then, I’ve watched a lot of tape on Mariota; I can attest, with absolute confidence, that he looks exactly like my dad when the latter was 20-something.

Eerie happenstance aside, the O-Line improved after releasing Michael Oher (a Whiz signing), and demoting trading cap ballast Andy Levitre. The line is still mostly untested young players, but they have not resembled bead curtains. Running backs: touted rookie David Cobb is firmly on I.R.; in storage are returner Dexter McCluster (shut up) and just arrived alleged head case Terrance West. I expect Bishop Sankey to get most of the carries, as in the preseason he ran through holes that used to throw CJ1.2K into fits of cha-cha-chá. Complementing the receiving corps are veteran TE Anthony Fasano and WR Harry Douglas. Hopefully Douglas and very decent WR Kendall Wright mentor huge rookie project Dorial “Hands of Stone” Green-Beckham and Justin Hunter, the team’s Roberto Durán of parking lots.

I can hear the “Meh”s from here. So, then: fans of the Bengals, Bills, Browns, Cardinals, Lions, Panthers, or Vikings: please wax on the vibrancy and culture emanating from your represented metropolis. Fans of the Chargers, Eagles, or Falcons: show me your rings. Dear Jet, Chief and Dolphin fans: what was the Lombardi Trophy called way back when you won it? Oh yeah, all of you have standing to condescend. And hey, all champions have undergone extended suck—whether for a big chunk of the season (those 13-7 Giants), mini-eras with scattered friskiness (Brister / O’Donnell / Slash Steelers), extended mostly awfulness (the Raiders after the heyday of heavy metal), or generations of incompetence (Patriots, Pack—I’m not fact-checking this; point, made).

Being a young team  (more than half the roster is 25-or-under), the Titans are bad now. Therefore, a trophy is guaranteed. I assume such ironclad logic eludes you, so look towards the Saints, the Bucs Jon Gruden parachuted into, and the damn Rams, St. Louis edition:

I still say overtime. Via NJ.com, of all places

The 1999 Rams came out of nowhere; tell me that won’t happen again. Say what you will about the NFL (don’t, that was  rhetorical), but equal distribution of league revenue, and an uniform salary floor and cap, provide for level competition. Success, then, is inevitable. Eventually, I guess.

And you still won’t care. It’s cool; I’ve had The Tennesseean bookmarked (since, uh, AOL?), and still wouldn’t know a Pred from a Vandy. But I take issue with team name recognition counting as pro football commentary. Doesn’t buzz and hype degrade an NFL team? The sport features insane levels of preparation that, since  there’s only 16 games, is still insufficient to overcome so much randomness–be it in the form of injuries, weather, the effect of a semi-blown assignment, and wherever the hell a live ball might bounce. The most throwaway detail could become a competitive edge, and there is an oppressive level of seriousness, both inevitable (player long-term health, cold-blooded business, labor vs. management issues), and preposterous (15-yard penalties for showing joy, non-Belichick dictator types, uniform uniformity). In short, zero glitz is becoming; yet, my Titans fandom turned irrevocable when my then 38-weeks pregnant wife remarked that Jeff Fisher looked kinda hot.

Hot or HAWT? Via InsideSTL.com 

Judge if you must, but here in Puerto Rico following anything other than baseball, basketball, boxing, or women’s volleyball still counts as light treason. For NFL tolerance, I’ve done much, MUCH worse than riding the “Coach Teflon: Super Stud” pony. So there: Titans forever fuckos,  and I don’t give a damn ’bout their blah reputatiooon.

As to the division, which has been cheerily described as a gulag, whatever. Laugh at Jacksonville, but if you ever had a heartless employer, raise your drink sometime to the Jaguars that signed Dante Fowler. And, as I don’t hate football, I’d rather watch Andrew Luck and J.J. Watt over perennial prime-time squatters like the Bears, Browns, Chiefs, Dolphins, Jets, and non-Eagles NFC East teams. So this season, I hope the AFC South produces the Super Bowl Champion, just to spite oh-so-clever wits who say stuff like “Didn’t that team lose the ’13 Legends Football league final?”

As for Tennessee, 6-10 seems both attainable and an auspicious first step towards mediocrity. True greatness seems within the Titans’ reach; I just hope it comes before they relocate as the Havana Strap-Ons.

Bud Adams courtesy of ArtVoice