Nobody Cares About My Fantasy Football Team, Chapter II: The Reckoning

Week two came and went in Horatio’s trip through fantasy land, and with it went any illusions anyone should have that I know anything about what I’m doing when it comes to fantasy football, as my teams combined to post a whopping 0-3 record.  It’s like if I were the Eagles but not as racist.  On the bright side of things I did crash the gambling crew’s post to pretend-bet $200 on the Patriots -1 over the Bills so I now have 400 hundred imaginary dollars that I didn’t have before.  So I’ve got that going for me.  Which is nice.

Next week’s projections look grim so let’s get to it shall we?

baby's first mail fraudBaby’s First Mail Fraud dropped a close one to Steve From Corporate in what passed for the game of the week in OSZ’s league.  The final score was 121.64-116.14, so it was way better than “America’s Game of the Week” between Dallas and Philly, which even Troy Aikman thought sucked.  Steve got 32 points from Antonio Brown and, trailing by 9 going into the Sunday night game, quickly got a 50 yard FG from whoever his kicker is to put the writing on the wall.  My team’s otherwise fine effort was hampered by Carlos Hyde’s early head owie and Matt Forte suddenly finding himself in the same backfield as Jimmy Fucking Clausen.  Yahoo gave me a grade of A- and Steve a grade of B+.  Yahoo is stupid and should feel bad.

Wet Hot AmericanWet Hot CT Summer unexpectedly lost, 88.34-96.4.  I would not have expected Cam Newton to outscore Tom Brady, especially last week, but he did and there you have it.  I’m sure some other things happened but I don’t have anymore notes so apparently I lost interest in this game even faster than you did.

DoraDora & Her Fuck Monkey, which is fast becoming an exercise in horrible futility, expectedly lost, 206.97-160.9.  Apparently sending out a three-headed RB monster of Rashad Jennings, Darren McFadden and Matt Asiata isn’t a good idea, even in a 20 team league heavily slanted towards defensive scoring.  Who knew?  Not me, because I barely looked at the rules before the draft!  And it shows!  Also my QB was Tony Romo so you can just imagine how that turned out.  Yahoo gave me a C-.  Fuck off Yahoo; like I knew Romo was going to get his clavicle shoved up his own ass.

Also someone offered my Phillip Rivers for Brandon Marshall after Romo went down and you can forget that shit buddy.  I’m no dummy.  Of course I am trying to do the exact same thing, (i.e. offer Rivers for whoever had Romo), in one of my other leagues so I appreciate the thought process there.  I countered with Brandon Marshalls for Matt Ryan, which according to Yahoo benefits both teams.  As I think the grades discussed above make clear however, Yahoo is an idiot and should not be trusted.

Tune in next week, (or don’t), when we see if predictions hold up and I can manage a 1-2 record!


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Rikki-Tikki-DeadlyHoratio CornblowerballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well NighBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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I countered with Golden Tate. You never said anything. Is Golden Tate THAT GOLDEN TO YOU!?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, I made that trade offer. Why won’t you just let me take advantage of you in your time of need?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

I don’t think my GSR team is going to break 100 all season.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh