The movies had that movie thing
But nonsense has a welcome ring
And heroes don’t come easy
We don’t care about Horatio’s fantasy teams so much that we don’t even care about not caring about them anymore. Even Horatio doesn’t care. So this week we turn to not caring about MY fantasy team. And there’s a lot to not care about here. We are not caring so hard we make Jay Cutler look like Mother Theresa.
As I have previously mentioned, this is my first-ever foray into fantasy football, and it’s in Sill’s 20-team DFO league with, shall we say, unconventional scoring rules. For those dear readers who were not caring about Horatio’s “Dora and her Fuck Monkey” team, this is the same leauge. Out of the 20 teams, “Monty’s Strange Team” currently sits comfortably in 20th place. I plotted all the teams in Excel and ran a few algorithms, and the data suggests that I am in “last” place.
That’s a sad Monty. 😥
My starting QB is Drew Brees. The Drew Brees who has thrown up video game numbers every year up until this season. The Drew Brees who got fewer points than Blake Bortles (who was on my bench) in Week 2. The Drew Brees who didn’t play last weekend due to a shoulder injury.
My top running back is LAST YEAR’S NFL RUSHING LEADER, DeMarco Murray, who averaged negative eleventy billion yards the first two games, then sat out the third game while watching Ryan Fucking Mathews run for 100 yards.
My backup running back is Montee Ball, who, granted, I really only drafted because of the name synergism. Seemed like a good move for my #brand. The only problem is that Ball hasn’t technically “played” any “football” this year and isn’t presently “on” any NFL “roster”. He’s still been better than Spray Tan.
My defense is the normally reliable Kansas City Chiefs, but they just gave up 5 touchdowns to Aaron Rodgers in the Battle Of The Midwest Cities With Populations Most Likely To Suffer A Heart Attack That Somehow Didn’t Include Indianapolis.
On a positive note, my top wide receiver is Emmanuel Sanders, who doesn’t necessarily put up Julio Jones numbers, but he’s pretty reliable and consistent, and you know week-in week-out that he’s going to get a lot of targets from Peyton. Also my kicker is Stephen Gostkowski who’s getting a lot of extra points since Brady has thrown, like, 75 touchdowns in the first 3 games. Oh shit, the Pats are on bye this week.
The rest of my team consists of other NFL players, probably. I really don’t care all that much.
So, it’s been a rough start to the season for Monty’s Strange Team. At this point I’m pretty much writing off the $750 entry fee that Sill made us all pay, right guys?