Brandon Flowers: Damn, it’s been almost a week and I’m still bummed out from losing so badly to the Vikings.
Malcolm Floyd: Tell me about it. I keep running through how we could have turned it around in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I’ve hardly slept, man.
Flowers: True, true. I’m just glad we’re gonna face the Browns on Sunday, and maybe get our spark back, man.
Floyd: A little momentum.
Flowers: Just something, you know? Get a fire lit under the team.
Floyd: Oh, yeah! Something inspirational! Man, where could we find that?
[Door Flies Open]
Coach Mike McCoy: Oh, uh, hey everybody.
Flowers: [mutters “Damn.” under his breath while looking at his shoes and shaking his head.]
McCoy: I understand some of you are still having a hard time after our most recent loss. Losing wasn’t want we wanted, but it is part of playing this game. We’ve come together as a team to play football, and we will do what is best as a team, win or lose. That I can promise you, and I will also promise to always put this team in a position to keep playing, win or lose. I am committed to this.
Floyd: Uh, yeah, great coach. What’s the game plan for our game against the Browns? You think maybe we could, you know, do something crazy together to get fired up? Like go hunt some big game with just knives, or jump out of an airplane and into a giant pile of snacks? Or maybe we could just give each other nicknames, like–
McCoy: Oh, dear, no. That all sounds like a lot of liabilities that our insurance underwriters would spend days on paperwork just to tell us no. I think our game plan might just inspire you, though… because our game plan [picks up a football] is ball control.
[the room falls silent]
McCoy: You see, we need to get back to the fundamentals of playing this game in order to do what is best. And where does that start? That’s right, with a football. We need to get back to working on our skills with a football, whether they be carrying it, or carrying it after catching it, or perhaps even stopping the other team from carrying it as much as we do. These are the ball control skills that make a good team great.
Flowers: Uh, sure thing, coach. What about making some adjustments to the offensive line, so that 17 can throw it without getting hit so much?
McCoy: Good question. We’re always trying to do what is best for the team in the moment, which includes responding to the high number of injuries that happen to our offensive line. I think we’re in a place to keep moving forward. What do you say, Philip? Any argument against our offensive line?
Rivers: [attempts to breathe enough to speak, but his back seizes and his broken ribs and lacerated liver press against his lungs and all he manages is a weak gurgle]
McCoy: Good, I’m glad we have your full support. I still think we have our best chance to win with Philip taking the snaps, no matter the offensive line.
Kellen Clemens: What? What about me, Coach?
[the entire room falls quiet again as everybody stares at him]
Clemens: Oh, right. I forgot for a second I was Kellen Clemens. Sorry about that.
Melvin Gordon: Ey Coach, how bout you git them oline bros to open up a lane for me an I’ll go trample some fools?
McCoy: We do what we think is best, and I find that the best way to establish the run game is through misdirection, and the best misdirection for running is to pass block on run plays. Again, I go with what feels right for the team, and that always feels right to me. No reason to rock the boat at this point when we’re cruising along like we are.
Danny Woodhead: Yeah, cruising to get me injured for the season again.
McCoy: I thought I heard something. Anyway, I’m looking forward to watching you all play this Sunday. I have all the faith that you’ll come together as a team and play the best game you can play in the moment while making the best decisions for the team you can make. So remember: ball control. Have a nice day.
[Door flies shut]
Flowers: Weddle, you’ve been a leader here for a while, what we gonna do?
Weddle: I don’t know but what do you think of my halloween costume? I call it ‘My Retirement Plan.’
Flowers: Damn. We’re screwed.
(Weddle image via Sports Mockery at http://sportsmockery.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Eric-Weddle-Chicago-Bears-1.jpg)
http://33.media.tumblr.com/232b3a2db17105aad3d6753b61cae845/tumblr_nk2jm8uonf1u7w6ito3_400.gif
I don’t know why McCoy’s mildness doesn’t bother me. Maybe because he’s just not Norval?
He does have the not-Norv card still, but barring a turkey neck and pock marks, he’s starting to resemble Norv in function too much for my tastes.
I’ll never forgot how upset Mike McCoy got after Jeb Hatfield ran off with his sister. Have you ever heard a grown man raise his voice in anger? It was like that, except not quite as loud or emotionally charged.
So “Woodhead” is a font choice? Maximum size 4 I guess. Loved this whole thing.
That was my favorite part. Just genius.
Both font size and grit size 4.
You could have used the Anthony Barr/Rivers gif again and I wouldn’t complain.
Nice work OSZ. Hope your team feels better soon.
Man, Mike McCoy. Now there’s a coach I’d run through room-temperature air for.
I might jog, but running seems a bit much.
I don’t know about jogging, man. Without building up a full head of steam I might never make it.
Seeing as this is the San Diego locker room, if I go full speed, there’s a high chance I’ll suffer a major injury.
Hey, apparently a lot of people like room-temperature water and Gatorade!
I laughed at the Woodhead bit before I even read it. I can’t wait until they are playing in Los Angeles next year.
I hear David Lynch can’t wait to cast him as The Man From Another Place in the Twin Peaks revival.
The only way any Charger plays in Los Angeles on Sundays next year is if Woodhead starts a gospel band and plays at the House of Blues on Sunset for Sunday Brunch.
“Oh, right. I forgot for a second I was Kellen Clemens. Sorry about that.”
WE’LL LET IT SLIDE THIS ONCE AS LONG AS IT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN
Excellent work, OSZ
It’s a sad and unfortunate circumstance to catch a case of the Clemens.
That line cracked me right the hell up.
In the Low Commander household, we refer to him as “Kerran Kremens” in a Kim Jong-il from Team America voice. Why? Because it’s a lot more fun than actually watching him play for your team.