Halloween! A time where we actively permit children to work towards developing juvenile diabetes and/or lifelong psychological trauma, while we get inappropriately drunk and develop some incredibly fucked-up fetishes from costumes that were never intended to be sexy, but still somehow are. Also, Satanists or something. I dunno. At any rate, Halloween is the second-largest commercial holiday in the world (right behind Christmas), and thus it needs some appropriate attention in today’s Mailbag.

Also, Tom Brady is unstoppable, and I will continue to be absolutely insufferable in my joy for this year’s Patriots team. Deal with it. At least you’ll probably beat me in fantasy.

Here we go!

Hey DFO,

I got offered a trade this week: DeAndre Hopkins for Matt Forte and Matt Jones. I have some ok RB depth (Dion Lewis, Melvin Gordon) but my receivers are looking thin. I’m inclined to take it, but do you think that’s too steep of a price to pay?

Initially, that price does look kinda steep, but gotta say, if you’ve got those 4 RBs on your team, you’ve done a hell of a good job with drafting in late rounds. Lewis and Gordon are a perfectly acceptable RB1 and RB2 the way this season’s going so far, so if you really, truly need WR help, pull the trigger. The dude is only leading the league in receiving yards, after all.

Do you think the Steelers have a legit shot at beating the Bengals this week? I ask because it’s time for me to decide whether to start THE BEN or Firecrotch; if he’s healthy enough to go, what do you think?

If any divisional rival is gonna beat the Bengals, it’s gonna be the Steelers. That said, their defense so incredibly dogshit awful that Ben and all of his offensive weapons have no choice but to try and put up insane stats every week in order to keep this team afloat. Even with Dalton due for some regression, I’m not certain Pittsburgh’s D has what it takes to sock it to him. I will probably come to regret this choice, but I’m going with Cincy on this one.

To the mailbag:

So I actually hate Halloween, but I still tolerate it for the time being because I’m still invited to parties where I have a chance to ogle (and also hook up with) attractive young women dressed in ridiculously revealing clothing. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I share this story with you.

Cue some fucked up fetish. I’m calling it now.

So about 5 years ago, when Breaking Bad  was just starting to get really big in the TV scene, there was a girl who showed up to my buddy’s Halloween party dressed as a sexy Walter White. The yellow Hazmat suit with the top half tied around her waist, the gas mask perched on her head… It was a really good costume. I would be proud of the fact that I hooked up with her that night, but

Ok, fetish time.

what made it weird for me, upon reflecting on that night, was the fact that she had also painted on the goatee around her face. Like, it looked very convincing from a distance.

CALLED IT, Y’ALL.

Clearly, I consumed a metric fuckton of alcohol that night, because as hot as this girl is, the beard thing was weird. Not even just for the sake of chicks with beards – I know it’s a costume, weird shit happens, whatever – but it remains doubly weird for me just because I think I subconsciously hate that Walter White goatee. My deadbeat had the same thing so I think I’ve just always subconsciously disliked it. 

So I guess my question is: is it weird that I hooked up with a girl despite feeling intense discomfort with her costume of choice?

I’m not a psychologist, man. So I guess I’ll just leave it at this: nah, it’s not really that weird. It’s Halloween. Strange shit happens on this night. I myself have had some strange experiences with costumed capers (as I’m sure fellow Commentists probably have as well!), so as much it may feel strange to you, based on the circumstances of that night, it’s actually not really that odd.

I will say this, though: you gotta let that shit about the goatee go. I get your dad was a dick, and it’s ok to be resentful of him – but that is an oddly specific physical trait of his for you to fixate on. Lots of folks have goatees, so it’s not like you can primarily associate the goatee with him. Just write off this night as one of drunken debauchery, and try not to dwell on any possible hidden meaning underneath. That will just make you psyche yourself even more, and that probably isn’t healthy behavior.

Then again, I write for free on a football, dick joke and puzzles website every week, so what the hell do I know about healthy behavior?

Happy Halloween, and enjoy your drunken shenanigans responsibly, people.

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected]. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).