(As the sun comes up, a gathering of lost souls is happening in Nearby Church Basement, Anywhere, USA)
Todd: I’d like to thank everyone for coming out this morning. We’ll begin, as we always do, with the Serenity Prayer.
All: (said in unison)
Grant me the serenity, to accept the injuries I cannot change
The courage to play the stars I have,
And the wisdom to use the waiver wire.
Todd: Thank you. I’ll be your guest speaker for this morning, so I guess I can tell you a little about myself. Heh, I suppose I should stick to the format. Hi, my name is Todd, and I am a terrible Fantasy Football team manager.
All: Hi Todd.
Todd: By the grace of Goodell and the Program, it’s been over two years since my last terrible Fantasy Football decision. See, for all you new people–and there look to be a lot of you today–I was once in those same depths. I drafted Peyton Hillis a year after he was even relevant, and didn’t have any good back up when he got injured. I believed in Derek Anderson based on two good throws. Don’t get me started about my rationalizations around CJ Spiller. And… yes, it’s true… I drafted Trent Richardson in the first round, and started him all season. No more, though! I’ve been working this program and I’ve been honest with myself about my abilities and limitations, and today I can tell you that it does get better. I now start Devonta Freeman and I no longer go full homer during drafts. I’m free of the stress and the sadness that comes with being in that downward spiral. And you can get there, too. Now, let’s hear from some of you. Any first timers out there that want to speak?
Bob: Hi, my name’s Bob, and I’m a terrible Fantasy Football team manager.
All: Hi Bob.
Bob: I… it’s been one day since my last terrible Fantasy Football decision. (Many present nod at those words) I left… I left Drew Brees on my bench. (There are murmurs of agreement and sympathy) I mean, I started Alex Smith and he exceeded his projections but–
Todd: It’s okay, Bob. No need to rationalize or try to make up for it here. There are no judgements. In fact, I bet you’re not alone here. Any of the rest of you now only have one day because of Brees? (95% percent of the room raise their hands) Just as I thought. Anyone have any non-Brees issues they’d like to talk about?
Pete: I listened to Rotoworld.
Todd: That’s not so bad.
Pete: No, no. I only listened to Rotoworld.
Todd: May Rog have mercy on you. We’ll need to get you started up on the steps again, so you can get to Step 3: Make a decision to turn our decision making over to a power greater than ourselves, without paying any extra fees, and often cross-checking its wisdom across as many data points as possible. How about we take a coffee break? Looks like we have a sponsor for today’s coffee and doughnuts… they were provided by… uh… damn it. Draft Kings dot com.
(The room empties in chaos)