Your Sunday Afternoon Early Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Ten: After 7 weeks the Raiders were 4-3, had a dynamic, explosive offense and were forcing folks to modify their hot takes with respect to the team. Three consecutive losses have since occurred and the O has dried up somewhat. They should get back on the right path versus the Titans just like 8 other teams have. If the Titans lose again they can blame it on the rain. Apparently it’s coming down hard and will continue to do so thru gametime. Some Titan fan sites have already called it a year and have focused their attentions on the coaching search. The general consensus is that Hue Jackson will be piling up the losses next year.

Buf @ KC: Tyrod is 3-1 on the road and if he is able to pull off the voodoo that he do in KC the Bills playoff chances rise from 36% to 65%. Of the Bills D-line only Hughes is completely healthy and ready to go today. Has HC Reid figurated things out? The Chiefs remind me of St. Joan of Arc-they’re on fire. They’ve won 4 in a row by a combined 91 points. QB Spaghetti Arm hasn’t thrown a pick in 7 games and the team has no TO’s at all in the last 4. Add in 12 takeaways during the same time and you’ve got a victory stew going.

TB @ Ind: Here’s another matchup of 5-5 teams but they appear to be ships passing in the night that aren’t having sex with each other but are headed in different directions. Tampa is 3-2 with one of the losses being a 1 pointer to the Slurs. QB Winston  has gone bananas since wk 6-his QBR trails only Brees and Palmer in that time period. The Bucs have forced a TO in 17 straight tilts and the Colts have an NFL-leading 22 of them things. Old man Gore looks to become the Colts first 1,000 yarder since Addai did it way back in 2007. That’s quite a long time to go without an effective run game. (not that I’m saying that these Colts have an effective run game, mind you)

NYG @ Was: This heavyweight tussle puts all the other games this week to shame. It’s the highlight of the 1pm slate. Why? Because you won’t stop masturbating no matter how much I implore, that’s why. The Giants need this game to create a two game buffer between themselves and the Slurs which would then mean that the latter would almost have to win out to win the division. This is not unrealistic ’cause they’ve got the Boys twice and the “Let’s give up on the Season” Iggles. RB Morris and his 404 rush yards looks down condescendingly at Giants RB Jennings and his paltry 403 yards. Giants fans the world over yell in unison, “Give the ball to Darkwa, you old fart!”.

NO @ Hou: The Saints are 4-6 but they feel like a 2-8 disaster. Now that Rob Ryan is coked up full time the Saints D will turn around, right? New DC Allen had a whole two weeks to fix a fundamentally flawed unit that no doubt will have no answer to the question, “DeAndre Hopkins?”. The Texans have cobbled together 4 wins in their last 5 outings and will end up the winners of the AFC South because the universe is meaningless.

Min @ Atl: Minny is another team that has pulled out 4 of the last 5. GB’s loss on Thursday allows them to gain a game in the fairly tight NFC North. First things first though-can CB Xavier Rhodes handle the force of nature that is WR Jones? RB Freeman can’t go so Coleman will man the backfield. Early in the season it looked as though he was going to surpass Freeman but then got injured and Freeman went nuts. He’s a speedy back that will look to break a long one.

StL @ Cin: QB Keenum opted to be concussed rather than be a part of the on-going disaster that is the Rams O (Gurley being the exception). QB Foles, who the Rams have completely given up on, is back to provide baffling decision-making, timely interceptions and barely discernable leadership. WR Bailey is doubtful. Meanwhile, Cincy’s O just keeps rolling along. Their only two losses were by a combined 7 points. WR Green has a chance to go over 1,000 yds. for the fifth straight time since entering the league. The record belongs to Moss at 6. DE’s Dunlap and Atkins have made plans to have an extended light lunch in the Rams backfield today. They’ve invited other team mates to drop in and say “hello” as well.

SD @ Jax: You could sum up the entire Chargers season using only 2 letters. It would go something like this-W, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L, L. Remember Jimmy Smith? Back in ’05 he was the last Jax WR to grab 1,000 yds. Ten years later Robinson is poised to do the same. What’s more, Hurns looks to join him in a few weeks time. I never thought that Bortles would be this kind of enabler.

Mia @ NYJ: Revis is out with a head oucher so the Fins QB should have an easy time of it. NOT SO FAST. This is Lauren Tannehill’s husband you’re talking about. Actually OC Lazor loves abandoning RB’s Miller and Ajayi at the drop of a helmet and putting the teams fortunes in the hands of a mediocre QB and a drop-friendly WR corps. That’s quality thinkering. Just a few weeks ago the Jets were a stalwart club that ran the ball down your throat until you gagged, gave you more D than you could possibly handle and left its fans wanting more. Now they’re yet another team that has lost 4 of the last 5-two of which were to sub .500 squads. Something always goes wrong for the Jets-it just took a bit longer this year.

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John Difool
Member
John Difool

If Eli’s not careful, he’s liable not to get that new batch of Star Wars action figures Coughlin promised him for Christmas

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP RAMS

Doktor Zymm
Member

A good start. But I’ve seen starts like this before…..

I put lots of garlic powder on my popcorn. My breath will serve as warning that this game is not a good time for reasonable humans to approach me.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Member
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Eliception!

Redshirt
Member

The Rams have three safeties? What type of defense is that?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
hippofant
Member
hippofant

The safest.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Ah, failed 4th and 1 on the Jets side of the field, there we go.

King Hippo
Member

JAGURAS, Team of Destiny

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH WILL LEAD THEM TO 7-9

Senor Weaselo
Member

Well the Jets got more than 0 yards on the first carry, so it’s a matter of time before this starts going horribly, horribly wrong.

His Right Honorable Lord Revisisle
Member

And that good ole 5Chan play calling

King Hippo
Member

Nobody expects off-tackle to the right!

Senor Weaselo
Member

comment image

King Hippo
Member

DIE PURPLE JESUS DIE

don;t mean teh German way

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

So not, “THE PURPLE JESUS THE” then.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm
Member

I hear you can achieve the same effect with cyanide

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Also bleach.

The Maestro
Member

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

Half of Canada is day drinking for the Grey Cup so I feel less out of place on Sunday afternoons up here than usual wooo.

Until then, lots of actual football happening!

Doktor Zymm
Member

Okay, time to make popcorn and start the booze IV

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

sup

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

yo

how was thanksgiving

Redshirt
Member

(sigh) Let’s do this, I guess

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

You’re awfully pessimistic for a guy whose team is 8-2 and two games up in the division.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

LIVE IN THE MOMENT YOLO BRO

King Hippo
Member

REMEMBER SAMMY JANKIS

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

WHO IS SAMMY JANKIS

King Hippo
Member

Memento?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Oh yeah…

King Hippo
Member

He knows what’s coming.

Redshirt
Member

Do you want to list my history reasons for Bengals-related pessimism in chronological order or by order of pain?

Doktor Zymm
Member

Yellow pants home unis, the best pants in the NFL.

Doktor Zymm
Member

They let the concussion movie advertise during football?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Member
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

NFL on FOX is a magnet for awful comedians.

Redshirt
Member

Its amazing how people screw up when they are handed millions of dollars (RE: Johnny Manziel).

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Manziel grew up with millions.

He’s just an asshole with a drinking problem.

King Hippo
Member

See also, every child actor in the history of ever.

Doktor Zymm
Member

I theorize that I could do better. Someone should give me lots of money to test my theory.

King Hippo
Member

OK, one last “Better Help a Hippo” – Donks D against NE, or Giants against Slurs?

I am worried about this choice jinxing my real life Donks, or the curse from my money league team (no choice but to use Giants there) spilling over to the DFO make it snow League. Most vexing.

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Giants vs. Skins. I see no reason why the Skins offense won’t continue their implosion , especially in the rain. Matt Jones will surely put a few on the ground.

Doktor Zymm
Member

Honestly, those are both kinda shitty choices.

King Hippo
Member

Yeah, the Lions were available. I make poor life choices.

Doktor Zymm
Member

This is actually kind of an interesting philosophical question. Good v Good, or Shit v Shit? You’ll probably get a solid, single digit score from Denver, while the Giants will either get you a load of points, or a negative score. I’m tempted to say the expected values are similar, just much higher variance with the G-men.

King Hippo
Member

I enjoy your math brain. Good on ya, Dok.

Redshirt
Member

Oh what type of diuretic shit is this on ESPN?

King Hippo
Member

Am I a sucker/idiot, or does that NFLN “The Timeline” series look pretty damned good? Like “A Football Life” before they ran out of good subject material?

Redshirt
Member

“Tonight on a very, special ‘A Football Life’, we chronicle the life story of the Long Snapper in Scott Norwood’s missed field goal.”

Gratliff
Member

Ndamukong Suh is a douchebag? Color me shocked.

Doktor Zymm
Member

I’m both looking forward to and dreading this game. I’m thinking cava in the first half, with the distinct possibility of switching to hard liquor, passing out on the couch and missing the late gates for the second half. There’s also a small chance that I glare at the TV, stick another pin in my Dan Snyder voodoo doll and switch to playing Assasins Creed.

Actually, is there a mod for Assasins Creed where you can put Dan Snyder’s face on all the people you kill?

King Hippo
Member

HAI DOK

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Member
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Watching NFL Network slowly turn into ESPN is just depressing.

Gratliff
Member

Last week with Rob Ryan was amazing.

Redshirt
Member

THIS ST. LOUIS RAMS TEAM, I CALL IT A SLUMPBUSTER BECAUSE ITS NOT THEIR IDEAL CHOICE BUT THE BENGALS REALLY NEED TO TO GET OUT OF THIS SLIDE.

yeah right
Member

That’s odd. The Rams injury report lists Bailey as doubtful due to “compound cranial incursion”.

Gratliff
Member

Let’s go Slurs! Keep the race to the bottom close!

King Hippo
Member

ONLY defensive TDs in this fixture PLEAZ

hugs n kisses,

Hippos

Gratliff
Member

Speaking of defense, I didn’t realize how far the Eagles fell til I checked the standings and saw they’ve given up 30 more points than the second worst in the East. They were one of the best defensive teams in the league at the half. Jeeeeeeeesus.

King Hippo
Member

If you started the Iggles defense in fantasy the last two weeks, you’re gonna have a bad time.

John Difool
Member
John Difool

I’m starting to think the biggest loser in the NFC East is whoever ends up winning it.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Stuck working until 6 tonight. I’ve got OAK-TEN, SD-JAX, MIA-NYJ and BUF-KC to choose from. Right now I think I’ll stick with Liverpool-Swansea.

King Hippo
Member

GO SWANS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Some folks might find this to be a fun way to kill a little time before the games start:

https://www.reddit.com/comments/3qvj6w

Horatio Cornblower
Member

There aren’t enough lockers in the world for those people to be shoved into.

And I should know.

King Hippo
Member

Better help a hippo time:

I just swapped Diggs in for Crabtree (full PPR). TN has superior pass D, and the dome conditions pushed me over the edge. Plus ATL has a very good run D that I expect to stack the box to stop Purple Jesus the child beater. Ceiling more important than floor. Already fo sho starting McCown over Carr (feel smart for benching Rodgers again).

Thoughts?

yeah right
Member

I like Diggs and haven’t been too hip on Crabtree but the drawback with having Teddy at qb is he hits a lot of receivers. A lot. He will complete passes to 8 different guys so nobody really piles up the stats.
I still see Peterson running loose All Damn Day today.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I was really hoping Adrian Peterson would be a better teammate and mentor to Bridgewater but apparently all he did was teach him how to hit people.

King Hippo
Member

The other complicating factor (ugh) is my foe has Purple Jesus. So, I need him faded to win anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I think it’s a coin toss. Without a standout corner, Amari Cooper should see more targets today (taking away from Crabtree) so Diggs is at least as good of a play, thought I don’t really see either as a sure thing.

King Hippo
Member

Verner is pretty good, but sometimes teams put their #1 on Crabs anyway. Always hard to rely on. Carr is sometimes poop on the road. I don’t know nothin’ no more.

/triple negative so it works just fine

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