Your Sunday Afternoon Early Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Ten: After 7 weeks the Raiders were 4-3, had a dynamic, explosive offense and were forcing folks to modify their hot takes with respect to the team. Three consecutive losses have since occurred and the O has dried up somewhat. They should get back on the right path versus the Titans just like 8 other teams have. If the Titans lose again they can blame it on the rain. Apparently it’s coming down hard and will continue to do so thru gametime. Some Titan fan sites have already called it a year and have focused their attentions on the coaching search. The general consensus is that Hue Jackson will be piling up the losses next year.

Buf @ KC: Tyrod is 3-1 on the road and if he is able to pull off the voodoo that he do in KC the Bills playoff chances rise from 36% to 65%. Of the Bills D-line only Hughes is completely healthy and ready to go today. Has HC Reid figurated things out? The Chiefs remind me of St. Joan of Arc-they’re on fire. They’ve won 4 in a row by a combined 91 points. QB Spaghetti Arm hasn’t thrown a pick in 7 games and the team has no TO’s at all in the last 4. Add in 12 takeaways during the same time and you’ve got a victory stew going.

TB @ Ind: Here’s another matchup of 5-5 teams but they appear to be ships passing in the night that aren’t having sex with each other but are headed in different directions. Tampa is 3-2 with one of the losses being a 1 pointer to the Slurs. QB Winston  has gone bananas since wk 6-his QBR trails only Brees and Palmer in that time period. The Bucs have forced a TO in 17 straight tilts and the Colts have an NFL-leading 22 of them things. Old man Gore looks to become the Colts first 1,000 yarder since Addai did it way back in 2007. That’s quite a long time to go without an effective run game. (not that I’m saying that these Colts have an effective run game, mind you)

NYG @ Was: This heavyweight tussle puts all the other games this week to shame. It’s the highlight of the 1pm slate. Why? Because you won’t stop masturbating no matter how much I implore, that’s why. The Giants need this game to create a two game buffer between themselves and the Slurs which would then mean that the latter would almost have to win out to win the division. This is not unrealistic ’cause they’ve got the Boys twice and the “Let’s give up on the Season” Iggles. RB Morris and his 404 rush yards looks down condescendingly at Giants RB Jennings and his paltry 403 yards. Giants fans the world over yell in unison, “Give the ball to Darkwa, you old fart!”.

NO @ Hou: The Saints are 4-6 but they feel like a 2-8 disaster. Now that Rob Ryan is coked up full time the Saints D will turn around, right? New DC Allen had a whole two weeks to fix a fundamentally flawed unit that no doubt will have no answer to the question, “DeAndre Hopkins?”. The Texans have cobbled together 4 wins in their last 5 outings and will end up the winners of the AFC South because the universe is meaningless.

Min @ Atl: Minny is another team that has pulled out 4 of the last 5. GB’s loss on Thursday allows them to gain a game in the fairly tight NFC North. First things first though-can CB Xavier Rhodes handle the force of nature that is WR Jones? RB Freeman can’t go so Coleman will man the backfield. Early in the season it looked as though he was going to surpass Freeman but then got injured and Freeman went nuts. He’s a speedy back that will look to break a long one.

StL @ Cin: QB Keenum opted to be concussed rather than be a part of the on-going disaster that is the Rams O (Gurley being the exception). QB Foles, who the Rams have completely given up on, is back to provide baffling decision-making, timely interceptions and barely discernable leadership. WR Bailey is doubtful. Meanwhile, Cincy’s O just keeps rolling along. Their only two losses were by a combined 7 points. WR Green has a chance to go over 1,000 yds. for the fifth straight time since entering the league. The record belongs to Moss at 6. DE’s Dunlap and Atkins have made plans to have an extended light lunch in the Rams backfield today. They’ve invited other team mates to drop in and say “hello” as well.

SD @ Jax: You could sum up the entire Chargers season using only 2 letters. It would go something like this-W, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L, L. Remember Jimmy Smith? Back in ’05 he was the last Jax WR to grab 1,000 yds. Ten years later Robinson is poised to do the same. What’s more, Hurns looks to join him in a few weeks time. I never thought that Bortles would be this kind of enabler.

Mia @ NYJ: Revis is out with a head oucher so the Fins QB should have an easy time of it. NOT SO FAST. This is Lauren Tannehill’s husband you’re talking about. Actually OC Lazor loves abandoning RB’s Miller and Ajayi at the drop of a helmet and putting the teams fortunes in the hands of a mediocre QB and a drop-friendly WR corps. That’s quality thinkering. Just a few weeks ago the Jets were a stalwart club that ran the ball down your throat until you gagged, gave you more D than you could possibly handle and left its fans wanting more. Now they’re yet another team that has lost 4 of the last 5-two of which were to sub .500 squads. Something always goes wrong for the Jets-it just took a bit longer this year.

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Doktor Zymm

Hippo. I think we have the answer. You should have picked up the Skins D.

King Hippo

YUP. I should have know the Elisha timebomb was ticking.

And the fucking Giants drop 13 fantasy points in my money league just now. Godfuckingdamnit

Modderific

Eli’s game balls from today’s INTs will be retained a both Canton and The Smithsonian for posterity.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

How the fuck you doin’ boys?!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So what’s the deal, did Charlie Sheen with the ‘Skins luck in pregame or something?

Just pray to Rock Hudson at halftime, and all will be okay boys.

King Hippo

ENGAGE MAXIMUM ELISHA

Doktor Zymm

Stupid division making me care about this stupid game even though I don’t want the Skins to win the division cause they so ain’t a playoff team and don’t need the pressure but damn they can’t be swept by the GIANTS even when they only win 2 or 3 games they don’t get swept by the GIANTS. I hate the Giants less than the Eagles and way less than the Cowboys, but damn.

Also, HAHAHA ELISHA.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Insane Eliception! I wanted a safety.

American Pie Story

Afternoon.

I made the mistake of signing up for Tinder and OKC again. I regret everything.

King Hippo

HAI PIE

Regrets make the world go round!!!

American Pie Story

HAI HIPPO

U R SMRT

Doktor Zymm

Online dating is way more work than it should be. Best of luck. Top tip, mention something specific in messages you send, no one is gonna respond to a form letter or someone who clearly didn’t read shit in their profile.

American Pie Story

I’m on attempt number 6. So far I’ve had one marriage proposal and it wasn’t from one of the creepy neckbeards.

King Hippo

I have sworn of online dating and gone back to it like 4 times before stopping dating for good (in post-divorce years). Strange days indeed. One has to go through a WHOLE LOT of chaff to get to the wheat, and I’m sure it’s harder for womenfolk (like most things are), due to the creep factor. It’s just an ego/feelings crushing problem for dudes, and I just take things too personally.

Like Churchill said about democracy/capitalism, it’s the worst system imaginable, except for all the others (bars, being set up, ESPECIALLY by meddling relatives, etc).

American Pie Story

Yeeeeeeup.

Doktor Zymm

Best of luck. I’ve been thinking of trying again, keep us updated, maybe you can be my motivation 🙂

American Pie Story

Thanks! Good luck to you too!

King Hippo

Good luck to you both! I’m sure I speak for all your other imaginary palz here too, you’re both wonderful ladyfolk.

Doktor Zymm

Also, worth checking prison records.

King Hippo

oh Christ, this likely speaks of experience. Men really are the fucking worst, eh?

Doktor Zymm

Full story, it was only one date, dude was actually okay as far as not pressuring anything, but it somehow came up in conversation that he had just got out of prison for attempted murder. A friend of mine worked as a waitress across the street from the bar the date was at. Turns out he was a regular there and she sometimes when there after work. She ran into him later, (not knowing it was the same guy or the prison stuff) and turns out he was also kinda a white supremacist. Put me off internet dating.

American Pie Story

Wow.

JustStopDude

Eli is not getting a half time fruit roll up.

Also, the fucking announcing dude is an idiot calling an interception a fumble recovery.

John Difool

Knighton the Hut

King Hippo

Diggs, you moron.

Sill Bimmons

Seriously.

hippofant

I liked what happened on the bench after. Diggs pointed at himself, took responsibility for his teammates, then Newman and a couple other vets came over to talk to him about it.

It’s like the Vikings are a functional organization or something.

Modderific

The Texans are going to do just good enough to not take a QB in the 1st round in 2016, aren’t they? AREN’T THEY??!?!?!

Sill Bimmons

Nobody cares.

The Maestro

Heh, Andy Dalton is using AJ Green properly again.

Real shame.

Doktor Zymm

Sort of competence by Washington special teams! It was just downing a punt, but still, my expectations are low enough that I find this pleasing.

JustStopDude

Goddamn the Skins are efficient…they got a defensive turnover and were giving it back to the Giants on 3 and out in like half the time the NFL uses for commercial breaks. Uncanny!!!

King Hippo

I suppose you assume you are in Cincy’s head. They think you will double AJ Green, so you can totes leave him uncovered?

Senor Weaselo

That’s absolutely brilliant!

JustStopDude

Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I am sure you are wondering why I gathered you all here today. Operation “Ignore the Family” is in full effect. This comment will self destruct in five seconds…

Redshirt
Gratliff

Is Andy Dalton not a day walker?

John Difool

If Eli’s not careful, he’s liable not to get that new batch of Star Wars action figures Coughlin promised him for Christmas

Sill Bimmons

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP RAMS

Doktor Zymm

A good start. But I’ve seen starts like this before…..

I put lots of garlic powder on my popcorn. My breath will serve as warning that this game is not a good time for reasonable humans to approach me.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Eliception!

Redshirt

The Rams have three safeties? What type of defense is that?

hippofant

The safest.

Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

Ah, failed 4th and 1 on the Jets side of the field, there we go.

King Hippo

JAGURAS, Team of Destiny

Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH WILL LEAD THEM TO 7-9

Senor Weaselo

Well the Jets got more than 0 yards on the first carry, so it’s a matter of time before this starts going horribly, horribly wrong.

And that good ole 5Chan play calling

King Hippo

Nobody expects off-tackle to the right!

Senor Weaselo

comment image

King Hippo

DIE PURPLE JESUS DIE

don;t mean teh German way

Sill Bimmons

So not, “THE PURPLE JESUS THE” then.

Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

I hear you can achieve the same effect with cyanide

Sill Bimmons

Also bleach.

The Maestro

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

Half of Canada is day drinking for the Grey Cup so I feel less out of place on Sunday afternoons up here than usual wooo.

Until then, lots of actual football happening!

Doktor Zymm

Okay, time to make popcorn and start the booze IV

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Spanky Datass

sup

Sill Bimmons

yo

how was thanksgiving

Redshirt

(sigh) Let’s do this, I guess

Sill Bimmons

You’re awfully pessimistic for a guy whose team is 8-2 and two games up in the division.

Redshirt

Do you want to list my history reasons for Bengals-related pessimism in chronological order or by order of pain?

King Hippo

He knows what’s coming.

Sill Bimmons

LIVE IN THE MOMENT YOLO BRO

King Hippo

REMEMBER SAMMY JANKIS

Sill Bimmons

WHO IS SAMMY JANKIS

King Hippo

Memento?

Sill Bimmons

Oh yeah…

Doktor Zymm

Yellow pants home unis, the best pants in the NFL.

Doktor Zymm

They let the concussion movie advertise during football?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

NFL on FOX is a magnet for awful comedians.

Redshirt

Its amazing how people screw up when they are handed millions of dollars (RE: Johnny Manziel).

Doktor Zymm

I theorize that I could do better. Someone should give me lots of money to test my theory.

King Hippo

See also, every child actor in the history of ever.

Sill Bimmons

Manziel grew up with millions.

He’s just an asshole with a drinking problem.

King Hippo

OK, one last “Better Help a Hippo” – Donks D against NE, or Giants against Slurs?

I am worried about this choice jinxing my real life Donks, or the curse from my money league team (no choice but to use Giants there) spilling over to the DFO make it snow League. Most vexing.

Doktor Zymm

Honestly, those are both kinda shitty choices.

King Hippo

Yeah, the Lions were available. I make poor life choices.

Doktor Zymm

This is actually kind of an interesting philosophical question. Good v Good, or Shit v Shit? You’ll probably get a solid, single digit score from Denver, while the Giants will either get you a load of points, or a negative score. I’m tempted to say the expected values are similar, just much higher variance with the G-men.

King Hippo

I enjoy your math brain. Good on ya, Dok.

John Difool

Giants vs. Skins. I see no reason why the Skins offense won’t continue their implosion , especially in the rain. Matt Jones will surely put a few on the ground.

Redshirt

Oh what type of diuretic shit is this on ESPN?

King Hippo

Am I a sucker/idiot, or does that NFLN “The Timeline” series look pretty damned good? Like “A Football Life” before they ran out of good subject material?

Redshirt

“Tonight on a very, special ‘A Football Life’, we chronicle the life story of the Long Snapper in Scott Norwood’s missed field goal.”

Gratliff

Ndamukong Suh is a douchebag? Color me shocked.

Doktor Zymm

I’m both looking forward to and dreading this game. I’m thinking cava in the first half, with the distinct possibility of switching to hard liquor, passing out on the couch and missing the late gates for the second half. There’s also a small chance that I glare at the TV, stick another pin in my Dan Snyder voodoo doll and switch to playing Assasins Creed.

Actually, is there a mod for Assasins Creed where you can put Dan Snyder’s face on all the people you kill?

King Hippo

HAI DOK

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Watching NFL Network slowly turn into ESPN is just depressing.

Gratliff

Last week with Rob Ryan was amazing.

Redshirt

THIS ST. LOUIS RAMS TEAM, I CALL IT A SLUMPBUSTER BECAUSE ITS NOT THEIR IDEAL CHOICE BUT THE BENGALS REALLY NEED TO TO GET OUT OF THIS SLIDE.

laserguru

That’s odd. The Rams injury report lists Bailey as doubtful due to “compound cranial incursion”.

Gratliff

Let’s go Slurs! Keep the race to the bottom close!

King Hippo

ONLY defensive TDs in this fixture PLEAZ

hugs n kisses,

Hippos

Gratliff

Speaking of defense, I didn’t realize how far the Eagles fell til I checked the standings and saw they’ve given up 30 more points than the second worst in the East. They were one of the best defensive teams in the league at the half. Jeeeeeeeesus.

King Hippo

If you started the Iggles defense in fantasy the last two weeks, you’re gonna have a bad time.

John Difool

I’m starting to think the biggest loser in the NFC East is whoever ends up winning it.

Sharkbait

Stuck working until 6 tonight. I’ve got OAK-TEN, SD-JAX, MIA-NYJ and BUF-KC to choose from. Right now I think I’ll stick with Liverpool-Swansea.

King Hippo

GO SWANS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some folks might find this to be a fun way to kill a little time before the games start:

https://www.reddit.com/comments/3qvj6w

Horatio Cornblower

There aren’t enough lockers in the world for those people to be shoved into.

And I should know.

King Hippo

Better help a hippo time:

I just swapped Diggs in for Crabtree (full PPR). TN has superior pass D, and the dome conditions pushed me over the edge. Plus ATL has a very good run D that I expect to stack the box to stop Purple Jesus the child beater. Ceiling more important than floor. Already fo sho starting McCown over Carr (feel smart for benching Rodgers again).

Thoughts?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it’s a coin toss. Without a standout corner, Amari Cooper should see more targets today (taking away from Crabtree) so Diggs is at least as good of a play, thought I don’t really see either as a sure thing.

King Hippo

Verner is pretty good, but sometimes teams put their #1 on Crabs anyway. Always hard to rely on. Carr is sometimes poop on the road. I don’t know nothin’ no more.

/triple negative so it works just fine

laserguru

I like Diggs and haven’t been too hip on Crabtree but the drawback with having Teddy at qb is he hits a lot of receivers. A lot. He will complete passes to 8 different guys so nobody really piles up the stats.
I still see Peterson running loose All Damn Day today.

King Hippo

The other complicating factor (ugh) is my foe has Purple Jesus. So, I need him faded to win anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was really hoping Adrian Peterson would be a better teammate and mentor to Bridgewater but apparently all he did was teach him how to hit people.

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