I Drank It So That You Don’t Have To-Evan Williams Egg Nog

I was at my local LCBO this weekend picking up my numerous alcohol buddies when I spied a humble, self-effacing seasonal liquor display. It was a basket with fake straw at the end of a counter and laying on one side was a bright red bottle that had something to do with mulled apple cider, maybe? I don’t know because I was intrigued by the green ones beside it. Turns out it was Evan Williams Original Southern Egg Nog. “Meh, may as well grab one, it being the season and whatever”. That’s a pretty slick way of rationalizing an impulse buy, isn’t it?

I know absolutely nothing about the Evan Williams brand, clan, reputation in the market, its origins, nothing. Someone on this very site made passing mention of it being somewhere in their bourbon(?) lineup but that’s it. So I’ve got no dog in this hunt (that’s a saying from “The South” somewhere, right?) I’m not sponsored by the good folks there or their competitors-I’m just a guy that likes green labels near the Christmas time. I will say that I chugged more than my fair share of egg nog growing up because Dad was a milkman. ONTO THE BOTTLE!

One is advised to shake the bottle-which is correct with any liquid dairy product. There are certain sediments that fall to the bottom during transportation and that’s where all the cancer-fighting properties reside. Don’t shake the bottle, carton, jug and die a long, slow, painful death. It’s really that simple. I put “The Nog” in a small glass because, uh, once you get it back home you realize, there’s no freakin’ way I’m gonna drink all of this when I have my usual beer, wine and scotch staring at me wantonly. As you swish it around it clings to the side of the glass as though one of the main ingredients was saran wrap. Not a good look. The first part of the first sip was all about memories. Sweet. Christmasy. A fireplace. Mmm. That’s good stuff! The next sip didn’t quite measure up though. Although the memory that came back was of my mother throwing an ashtray at my dad as he stood in the driveway-not sure why that came to mind. The sweet was really coming through though. Wow. It’s really sweet! I could feel it clinging to the inside of my mouth, my esophagus, my stomach wall. That sweet taste sure has staying power! For you older folks, imagine if a 25 year-old Marie Osmond’s smile was ground up in a blender and you had to drink it. I looked at the ingredients-NO NUTMEG! That’s one helluva oversight. NUTMEG LOVES THE NOG! And it cuts through the-did I mention it was overly sweet? I did? Just checking.

Do you know what tastes good after having Evan Williams Original Southern Egg Nog? Nothing. Not for a while at least. It has staying power. The best recommendation I can make is to not take any short cuts. Buy the regular nog in the store and add whatever the hell you want to it. Don’t let a snappy green label seduce you into making a pour(!) decision.