Today, We Are All Ratbirds: A Post-Bye Ravens Cry For Action



I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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With the Arizona defeating the Minnesota Vikings on Thursday Night Football, the Cardinals have clinched a playoff birth and sit with a magic number of one to clinch the NFC West title. Having already accomplished their third consecutive 10-win season, locking down the division is especially important as, playing second (or third) fiddle to the Seahawks during the Bruce Arians era, accomplishing anything in a division with the team that won back-to-back conference titles will always start with the old adage, To Be the Best, You’ve Got to Beat the Best. With that, Sunday morning is Arizona’s first opportunity to backdoor Beat the Best, that is, if the Baltimore Ravens can pull off the upset.

Granted, I know little about the 2015 Ravens. They played at Arizona for the Week 7 Monday Night game and, all things considered, they seemed to play better than a 1-6 team and were in the red zone threatening a tie when Flacco threw the game-sealing interception. Since then, I understand the highlights of the their season have been: defensive coordinator Dean Pees trying to eat 50 hard boiled eggs during a game; football dying in Baltimore by Week 5; and Elvis Dumerville joining the fans in calling out the NFL Conspiracy after losing to the Jaguars courtesy of a blown facemask call.

But the team that threatened a national stage upset here in October are a far a cry from the Ravens of Week 14. Joe Flacco, running back Justin Forsett, wide receiver Steve Smith, linebacker Terrell Suggs are among the list of injured starters and even backup Matt Schaub is questionable for Sunday, which means the starting quarterback may very well be Jimmy Clausen.

12Here is Clausen’s stat line from his Week 3 game against Seattle. It isn’t very impressive. But that was with the Bears, man. Can’t blame Jimmy for a team that, after he left has only been one game over .500, right?


Fuck, it’s not about players then; it’s about teams. And the Ravens have been within a score of their opponent in eight of their losses. Seems like their luck has to break sometime, yeah?


Fuck it. I can see why you people drink. Still don’t understand the purple camo…but I do get the drinking.
Anyways, if my single-day brethren are considering waving off this match up in hopes of a more favorable finish, just know that the Ravens schedule closes out with KC, PIT, and CIN. Aside from the Bengals possibly resting their starters in that one, the Ravens have seriously suffered a brutal schedule this season (in terms of travel and match up dates, not necessarily competition objectively speaking). 2015 has not been kind to the Ravens and, I hope, they’ll give the NFL one last 2015 fuck you by upsetting the Seahawks with a punch to the face that will be so quick — and so hard — that Pete Carroll will be apologizing for his clubs role in the incident for weeks.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ahead and initiate myself into the Ravens fan club by simultaneously enjoying crack and krokodil while getting a #27 tattoo on my neck.


I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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Other things you can do to be a Ravens fan:

1. Find cheap shit beer called National Bohemian, because about 10 years ago it was brewed in Bawlmer. Drink this shit until it’s game time. Go into the stadium, drink more.

2. Eat crabcakes anywhere outside the city limits, complain they suck.

3. Get a neck tattoo – cursive is best because it’s way more classy.

4. Call sports talk radio, claim Flacco’s injury was a conspiracy, hope Pete Carroll was listening, maybe get a field pass for the game.

5. And on a serious note: support the team, realize we have been spoiled, and quit yer bitchin. (Also, hug your friends, stay close to them, value your time with them, because life sucks and one day they are gone. Sorry, good buddy of mine died this week at age 46 and I’m fucking furious at the universe.)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I can deal with good crabcakes any time and #5 applies to the Broncos too….. well the second part should apply to everybody but these sociopaths we have running around .

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oddly enough…its kind of been a fun season as a Ravens fan for me.

Early on the injuries piled up. Even before that, I could not fathom why so many national writers believed that the Ravens were going to do well at all this year.

Pretty much the important people on the team are safe. I mean its not like Harbaugh is going to lose his job over this season. Same with Ozzy (who is by far the most important person in the franchise).

Its kind of fun not really giving a shit about how your team does every once in a while.


I’d always assumed the purple camo was to help hide the bruising from all the heroin injections. Cause they’re heroin addicts, you see.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

…have clinched a playoff birth and…

“Pfft. I’ve been responsible for seven playoff births already and you don’t see me making a big deal about it.”

– Philip Rivers


“Seven? Rookie.”

–Antonio Cromartie.