Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

I’ve felt out of the loop on most sports things this week. I dunno why. Apparently the Vikes-Cards game was good last night? Regardless, I’ve got the weekend to get myself turned around and sufficiently intoxicated on both sports and alcohol, so hope is not lost for me.

Hopefully your fantasy seasons are also going better than mine. My three teams sit 7-6, 6-7, and 5-8 in all the leagues I’m in. Am I disappointed? Yup. Am I prepared to make goddamn sure to get reasonably reliable QB play than Peyton/Matty Ice/Tannehill for next season? You fuckin’ betcha. I know where I fell short, so there’s at least a little hope there.

Anyways, now for the questions! Short mailbag this week.

I made the playoffs! Pretty stoked about it – it’s the first time it’s ever happened for me. I picked up Andrew Luck when he was hurt and stashed him on my bench in the hopes he’d be ready for Week 15 – if he’s good to go, you think he’s a better start than Ryan Fitzpatrick?? 

Hmm, well, for starters, let’s check on the matchups that week:

• NYJ @ DAL
• IND vs HOU

Jets are on the road, Colts are at home, but NY has the weaker opponent for sure. Whenever you have Indy matching up against the Texans – especially in a scenario where Luck still probably won’t be at 100% (lacerated kidney isn’t exactly something you can just slap a wad of gauze and tensor bandage on) – you have to wonder just how much of a beating he’s going to take from JJ Watt. Now, this said, Indy did beat Houston previously, on the road, with Matt Hasselbeck as the starter, so it’s not an impossible task by any means to have them win.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, on the other hand, is at least a known quantity this year. He’s really only completely shit the bed once this year, against the Raiders, but has remained fairly consistent overall. Lately, his play over the last two weeks has been pretty strong, so if I were in your shoes, I think I might want to stay the course with him for now. There’s no guarantee that Andrew Luck is gonna come back and be his old self right out of the gate, especially if the Texans’ D-line can get some early shots in on him. Plus, I feel like even with the Jets on the road, the Cowboys aren’t going to be an especially difficult challenge – New York is not a great team, but they’re well ahead of the rest of the dumpster fire that is the NFC East.

So to sum up, if both are healthy in two weeks, I’m still leaning for GOOD HARVARD GRADUATE over the Amish village elder.

I’m far more experienced than my gf in bed. This is ok by me, as we’re both still early on in college and she’s explicitly said she’s eager and willing to learn and adapt… how can I tell her that I’d really prefer if she shaved her… area? The hair is just especially prickly and coarse and it’s not making things easy or enjoyable for me when I decide to go exploring down there. 

Ah, college. What a time for wonderful experimentation. Well, a few things to consider:

• If she’s said she’s willing to learn and adapt and try different things, you’re a lucky man, number one.
• Number two, if she’s the kind of girl who’s gonna get all pissy and dump you for even asking the question, she’s not worth your time. Whether or not she agrees to it or not is a separate matter entirely; obviously, you need to respect her decision in the end, but if you’ve got a relationship where you have to feel bad just for asking the question, then I definitely urge you to reconsider things, because trust me, it ain’t gonna be fun very shortly.
• Number three, address your question in a manner that hopes the end goal (nice smooth situation) as something that is enjoyable for the both of you, not just on your end. Be constructive, be open about it. “Hey, I was just wondering…”
• Lastly, if she likes you enough that she’s willing to try out different stuff, she’ll need to know what sorts of things make you happy. If you don’t mention it, it can’t be on the table, can it?

So be gentle about it, but just be clear as to why you like it and why you want to try it – you find it attractive, and it makes access easier for pleasurable activities. Can’t get much clearer than that, I think.

Double-note: this approach can be used for many, many things. Yes, even… ASKING FOR ANAL. Your success isn’t on me, it’s on your own relationships, though. I will not be held accountable for damaged body parts or egos anywhere.

All I’ve got for this week. Enjoy munching… on holiday treats… and flicking… your TV remote buttons to watch the games this weekend. Happy footballing, everyone.

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For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected] or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).