Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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I’ve felt out of the loop on most sports things this week. I dunno why. Apparently the Vikes-Cards game was good last night? Regardless, I’ve got the weekend to get myself turned around and sufficiently intoxicated on both sports and alcohol, so hope is not lost for me.

Hopefully your fantasy seasons are also going better than mine. My three teams sit 7-6, 6-7, and 5-8 in all the leagues I’m in. Am I disappointed? Yup. Am I prepared to make goddamn sure to get reasonably reliable QB play than Peyton/Matty Ice/Tannehill for next season? You fuckin’ betcha. I know where I fell short, so there’s at least a little hope there.

Anyways, now for the questions! Short mailbag this week.

I made the playoffs! Pretty stoked about it – it’s the first time it’s ever happened for me. I picked up Andrew Luck when he was hurt and stashed him on my bench in the hopes he’d be ready for Week 15 – if he’s good to go, you think he’s a better start than Ryan Fitzpatrick?? 

Hmm, well, for starters, let’s check on the matchups that week:

  • NYJ @ DAL
  • IND vs HOU

Jets are on the road, Colts are at home, but NY has the weaker opponent for sure. Whenever you have Indy matching up against the Texans – especially in a scenario where Luck still probably won’t be at 100% (lacerated kidney isn’t exactly something you can just slap a wad of gauze and tensor bandage on) – you have to wonder just how much of a beating he’s going to take from JJ Watt. Now, this said, Indy did beat Houston previously, on the road, with Matt Hasselbeck as the starter, so it’s not an impossible task by any means to have them win.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, on the other hand, is at least a known quantity this year. He’s really only completely shit the bed once this year, against the Raiders, but has remained fairly consistent overall. Lately, his play over the last two weeks has been pretty strong, so if I were in your shoes, I think I might want to stay the course with him for now. There’s no guarantee that Andrew Luck is gonna come back and be his old self right out of the gate, especially if the Texans’ D-line can get some early shots in on him. Plus, I feel like even with the Jets on the road, the Cowboys aren’t going to be an especially difficult challenge – New York is not a great team, but they’re well ahead of the rest of the dumpster fire that is the NFC East.

So to sum up, if both are healthy in two weeks, I’m still leaning for GOOD HARVARD GRADUATE over the Amish village elder.

I’m far more experienced than my gf in bed. This is ok by me, as we’re both still early on in college and she’s explicitly said she’s eager and willing to learn and adapt… how can I tell her that I’d really prefer if she shaved her… area? The hair is just especially prickly and coarse and it’s not making things easy or enjoyable for me when I decide to go exploring down there. 

Ah, college. What a time for wonderful experimentation. Well, a few things to consider:

  • If she’s said she’s willing to learn and adapt and try different things, you’re a lucky man, number one.
  • Number two, if she’s the kind of girl who’s gonna get all pissy and dump you for even asking the question, she’s not worth your time. Whether or not she agrees to it or not is a separate matter entirely; obviously, you need to respect her decision in the end, but if you’ve got a relationship where you have to feel bad just for asking the question, then I definitely urge you to reconsider things, because trust me, it ain’t gonna be fun very shortly.
  • Number three, address your question in a manner that hopes the end goal (nice smooth situation) as something that is enjoyable for the both of you, not just on your end. Be constructive, be open about it. “Hey, I was just wondering…”
  • Lastly, if she likes you enough that she’s willing to try out different stuff, she’ll need to know what sorts of things make you happy. If you don’t mention it, it can’t be on the table, can it?

So be gentle about it, but just be clear as to why you like it and why you want to try it – you find it attractive, and it makes access easier for pleasurable activities. Can’t get much clearer than that, I think.

Double-note: this approach can be used for many, many things. Yes, even… ASKING FOR ANAL. Your success isn’t on me, it’s on your own relationships, though. I will not be held accountable for damaged body parts or egos anywhere.

All I’ve got for this week. Enjoy munching… on holiday treats… and flicking… your TV remote buttons to watch the games this weekend. Happy footballing, everyone.

***

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to dfo.submissions@gmail.com or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
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blaxabbathMoose -The End Is Well NighJerBear50ballsofsteelandfuryindieguy Recent comment authors
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JerBear50
JerBear50

“it’s not making things easy or enjoyable for me when I decide to go exploring down there. ”

Fucking millennials.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

+1 (added)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

I always used to try the move ” I want to shave you, it will be sensual and romantic” Never got a no if I phrased it this way.

Haven’t seen pubes other than the odd landing strip since the late 90’s. Women still have pubes? Learned something new today.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fucking young ass punks! Get of my girlfriend’s lawn!

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

New York Times recently actually had an article about the return of the pubes.

To me, that’s like going back to the telegraph.

Anyway, Google Eva Longoria. She has a quote floating around about how great sex was after she got her first Brazilian. Find a way to insert that little bit of trivia into a conversation, and then maybe your girlfriend will come up with the idea on her own.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A man must learn to survive in the jungle as well as the desert.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think Tao Cutler said that.

WCS

lacerated kidney isn’t exactly something you can just slap a wad of gauze and tensor bandage on

THE BEN has been playing with a lacerated brain for years, and it’s been working out okay for him.

DUUURRRRRR THAT WAS OUCHIE TIME FOR PRACTICE DUUUURRRRRR*

*credit to BDD for inspiring that line

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

They say that at this time of year, every time a noob gets their pubes shaved an angel gets their wings.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and a razor rash, resulting in the mighty grow back itch (MGBI).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

William S. Burroughs is the greatest writer ever for a small town kid open to new ideas/ways of thinking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t know about the greatest; a lot of writers come from small places, but I know what you are talking about, so fuck yeah.

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. A psychotic is a guy who’s just found out what’s going on.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Shave her yourself. It will be great foreplay. But make sure you know what you are doing. If you can’t shave your balls without cutting yourself, pay for her to get waxed.

Enrico Pallazzo

Agreed. Make her trust you and then–BAM–pubic swastika.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Enrico Pallazzo

Pssssst…go pick up Edelman if you still can. It’s Hanukkah season and he’s practicing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Anal is smooth by default. WIN-WIN ALL AROUND!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I take it you’ve never dated a Persian?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ya gots to lube yer Persians.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Hey, not everyone is into fucking cats like you are, RTD.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m SO happy I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this. Preach, Rikki, preach!