Narrator: Welcome back to the Under the Moosemas Tree Holiday Special, brought to you by Beer. Remember, for all your holiday needs, there’s Beer.

The scene: The DFO clubhouse, where Darkest Timeline Zach Morris is finishing stacking up boxes of cookies against a wall.

DTZM: Well, that’s the last of them! Seriously, Moose…what were you thinking?

Future Moose: Um…that I was hungry?

Cue audience laughter

There’s a knock on the door.

DTZM: Who could that be?

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Terry Bradshaw enters.

WCS and Sill Bimmons (in unison): TERRY BRADSHAW!

Terry Bradshaw: Hi, everyone! I just wanted to drop by for some holiday cheer.

DTZM: Well, that’s sure nice of you, Mr. Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Aw, it ain’t nothin’. Heck, you guys got yourself a nice little party here.

Tony Romo appears in the doorway, tapping Terry Bradshaw on the shoulder.

Tony Romo: Excuse me, Terry, but…

Terry Bradshaw: Aw, heck li’l fella, I didn’t see you there.  You lookin’ fer an autograph?

Tony Romo: No…I’m Tony Romo. You know…quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys?

Terry Bradshaw: Aw, sorry about that, son.

Cue audience laughter

Tony Romo: Hey, I like being the Cowboys’ QB! Look, I even brought the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders to the party!

The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders enter.

Cue audience applause

Tony Romo: So what did you bring to the party, Terry?

Terry Bradshaw: Well, I ain’t got no cheerleaders with me, so I just brought these.

Terry Bradshaw holds up his right hand, on which he’s wearing the rings from Super Bowl IX, X, XIII and XIV. WCS and Sill Bimmons gasp.

Terry Bradshaw (to Tony Romo): How ’bout it, son? Ever see one of these before?

Tony Romo sobs and runs out the door.

Future Moose: Who was that guy?

DTZM (shrugging): No idea.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, it’s been fun, but I got me some more stops to make.

Terry Bradshaw puts his arms around a pair of cheerleaders.

Terry Bradshaw: Hey, girls, lemme give you a ride home. I’ll tell you all about the time I worked with Burt Reynolds.

Dallas Cheerleader #1: Who?

Terry Bradshaw: I meant…Matthew McConaughey.

Dallas Cheerleader #2: O! M! G! You’re that other cop in True Detective! I thought I recognized you!

Terry Bradshaw departs with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

Cue audience applause.

Doktor Zymm enters with a bowl of steaming holiday punch.

WCS: Zymm! Where have you been?

Doktor Zymm: Ach, vell, zomeone haz to get zis party going, ja? Zo, I vipped up a quick punch for Moozemaz.

DTZM (warily looking at the steaming, bubbling concoction): What’s in it?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, a bit of zis, a bit of zat. Kommen sie, give it a try.

DTZM: Well…OK…

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris dips a cup into the punch. He sniffs it, winces, then takes a sip.

DTZM: Hey, not bad!

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris drains his glass. He gets a happy grin, then his eyes roll back into his head and he falls flat to the floor.

WCS: You killed Zach!

Sill Bimmons: Thou person born out of wedlock!

Cue audience laughter

Future Moose (looking down at DTZM): Look, he’s still smiling.

WCS: That’s really more of a grin.

Sill Bimmons: Aye, a grin most debauched.

Future Moose (grabbing a glass): Oh, I have got to try this!

WCS and Sill Bimmons grab glasses as well. The three drink as Zymm fills her glass.

WCS: Wow!

Sill Bimmons: Indeed!

Future Moose: This calls for a song…and I know just the one!

Cue music, to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

Everyone except DTZM (singing):

We bring to you a Moosemas brew

It’s made from shots and beer

And if you find that you go blind

We have many lawyers here

Now drink it down, it burns at first

Your throat will truly sear

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

Shots and beer

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

 

We drink this now and wonder how

We ever passed this by

Our feet go numb before we’re done

And tears of joy we cry

Now raise a glass and toast our friends

And drain our glasses dry

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

Shots and beer

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

 

We’ll wake tomorrow in some sorrow

And we’ll have to pee

Drinking this will prove to us

That nothing fun is free

But never mind we’ll feel better

And Google Allison Brie

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

Shots and beer

O blitzed we are on shots and beer

Cue audience applause

Future Moose: Boy, this is great!  This is…

Doktor Zymm: Ze best Moozemaz ever?

Future Moose: Well, no…the best one was when I annexed Switzerland and took over their chocolate industry.

Everyone stares at Future Moose.

Future Moose: What? Like I said, I have a sweet tooth!

Cue audience laughter

Narrator: We’ll be right back after this important message from our commercial sponsor.