This Week In Violence! Presents Shin-Kicking

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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I’ll never forget the chemistry prof I had for the one science class I was required to take in my freshman year of college.

“Yes, I’m from Wales. Where men are men, and sheep are nervous.”

I never did particularly well in that class, but I did enjoy coming to lectures. That man was living proof that there’s something up with the Welsh, and almost certainly the Brits too, as a whole. Who else would find kicking each other as hard as you can in the shins to be a fun and entertaining pastime?

Shin-kicking, which is also known as hacking or purring, has been around as an actual organized sport for hundreds of years. It runs as an annual event as part of the Cotswold Olimpick Games, a festival that has long-running roots dating back to the 17th century. The Games are held each year on Dover’s Hill, outside the village of Chipping Campden, a small hamlet in the Cotswolds district of Gloucestershire, which borders onto Wales. Gloucestershire, as you may recall from a few weeks ago, is the same region that brings us competitive cheese-rolling, so clearly I’m starting to wonder just what exactly the hell is going on in the southwest UK.

Anyways, the Cotswold Olimpick Games were believed to be first held around 1622, under the royal assent of King James I, by lawyer Robert Dover – apparently events including horse-racing, swordfighting, sledgehammer-throwing, quarterstaff, and wrestling. It was typically held around Whitsun (the 7th Sunday after Easter, typically May or June), until Puritan presence, who disapproved strongly of what they perceived its roots in heathen traditions, quashed a lot of celebrations around about 1640-1660. After the Restoration, it continued to exist in similar forms, but was eventually cancelled in 1852 because it had apparently simply become too much of a drunken, violent debauchery, though no legal records actually exist backing up any of these claims. This seems a shame, truly.

Fortunately, the Games were revived in the 1950s by a historical society, and the modern form features such events as motorcycle-scrambling, tug-of-war, judo, piano-smashing, dwile flonking, and, of course, shin-kicking.

Legend has it that shin-kicking in its earliest forms had competitors wearing pointy nail-covered boots, or sometimes steel toes, and that they increased their pain tolerance by regularly whacking their own shins with hammers. However, as badass and insane as that is, the modern game is more tame, and probably more sensible as well. Current sport rules follow as such:

  • All competitors must wear soft-toed shoes only.
  • All competitors must stuff their pant legs with straw before competing. This deadens the blows. Allegedly.
  • Competitors will wear white coats (akin to like a doctor’s coat), provided by the Games. These represent shepherd smocks of old.
  • Competitors must stand facing each other with hands on their opponent’s shoulders and/or jacket collars.
  • Competitors may kick their opponent with either the inside of the foot or the toes, and only to the front or close side of the shin.
  • Absolutely no sweep-kicking, slewfooting, etc. of any kind.
  • A round is over when one competitor is either on the ground, or cries out “sufficient”, which gives his opponent the point.
  • All matches are officiated by a referee or “stickler” who keeps score and makes sure competitors fight cleanly. They get a big stick to separate competitors, if need be.
  • In the modern version of the sport, matches are played best 2 out of 3.

Just look at these guys go. I can only imagine how many pints are consumed post-competition as a means of dulling the throbbing pain.

This other video is from the 2014 Cotswold Olimpick Games, which features a nice little rundown of the history of shin-kicking, plus a quick glance around into some of the other events common at Dover’s Hill. The funny-looking wooden castle is a mandatory part of the decor for the Games, and it even existed all the way back in the 17th century.

All in all, shin-kicking is just more proof that human beings will invent some incredibly crazy shit just to entertain a crowd. Somewhere, Troy Vincent is passing out $50K fines for flagrant personal fouls like they’re candy. Good thing they have no jurisdiction here.

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/

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Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

Speaking of Operating Thetans, you can find the entire Scientology OT program on wikileaks.

No WAY am I linking to anything.

WCS
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Are there pics of Tom Cruise on every page?

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

No, it’s legitimately scary shit.

Like HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK THESE PSYCHOPATHS ARE ROAMING THE FUCKING EARTH UNCHECKED scary shit.

Brocky
Member

Fighting in a hockey game? Hold on, let me do my war dance…

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/4232466/joker-in-museum-o.gif

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons
WCS
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Why the hell not.

/pants fly off

Brocky
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So the second period started, but i’m too lazy to walk back to the tv

WCS
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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season two debuted today.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

It’s elicited some genuine guffaws already.

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
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WCS
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Are pogs back in [insert Millenial fad I’ve never heard of here] form?

Sill Bimmons
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just reading this post makes one’ nuts hurt.

Just one in the case of OSZ, but it still hurts.

WCS
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

There was a time when CNN was respected for its news coverage. It’s been so long I’m beginning to think it was a myth after all.

blaxabbath
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Wouldn’t have needed those pieces of Fatty if he’d been prepared.

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/84/840b14ebcfd7b173c8c6436136f443c129e342cfce2c19d2bf20578feeffddda.jpg

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
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Today I sat down on my couch and looked down to find a rip in my pants. How did I know it was there? Because I should my scrotum trying to push through it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Because I should my scrotum “?

Is that a line from an REM song?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
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Most of my comments are wrecks so yes.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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You know what I blame? Pants. They’re nothing but a prison for your junk. I don’t blame your testicles for protesting the Mass Genital Incarceration Culture

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tim Couch?

Covalent Blonde
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I’m quitting my day job to hit the road and be a professional stickler.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Moose can kick my shins until I’m two feet shorter after stepping on two of his jokes last night by being an oblivious dickhead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://cellar.org/2004/baitedbull.jpg

Naw, you murdered a couple of jokes; that’s nothing: I usually murder them by butchery on the way out of the womb. The Womb, isn’t that the movie OSZ likes?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
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Only a couple? I usually fuck up at least a half dozen of Moose’s gems per night on average.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

See? There’s a dead bloater floater right there.

nomonkeyfun
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Olimpick, Chipping Campden, dwile flonking

Proof that the British can’t insult American usage of the English language.

I’m taking Mincing Lane to Back Passage and turning left up Mudchute, that should get me to Cockfosters in a jiffy. Right-Ho

Sill Bimmons
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Sill Bimmons

I was in a video about shin-kicking in college.

Also dwile flonking.

What is dwile flonking? I’m glad you asked!

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01646/Dwile-Flonking_1646292c.jpg

A “dull witted person” is chosen as the referee or “plumbus”, and the two teams decide who flonks first by tossing a sugar beet. The game begins when the plumbus shouts, “Here y’go t’gither!”

The non-flonking team joins hands and dances in a circle around a member of the flonking team, a practice known as “girting”. The flonker dips his dwile-tipped “driveller” (a pole 2–3 ft long and made from hazel or yew) into a bucket of beer, then spins around in the opposite direction to the girters and flonks his dwile at them.

If the dwile misses completely it is known as a “swadger” or a “swage”. When this happens, the flonker must drink the contents of an ale-filled “gazunder” (chamber pot (“goes-under” the bed)) before the wet dwile has passed from hand to hand along the line of now non-girting girters chanting the ceremonial mantra of “pot pot pot”.

A full game comprises four “snurds”, each snurd being one team taking a turn at girting. The plumbus adds interest and difficulty to the game by randomly switching the direction of rotation and will levy drinking penalties on any player found not taking the game seriously enough.

Points are awarded as follows:

+3: a “wanton” – a direct hit on a girter’s head
+2: a “morther” or “marther” – a body hit
+1: a “ripple” or “ripper” – a leg hit
-1 per sober person at the end of the game

At the end of the game, the team with the most number of points wins, and will be awarded a ceremonial pewter gazunder.

http://www.edp24.co.uk/polopoly_fs/1.541794!/image/472268725.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_225/472268725.jpg

This…this needs to be a thing.

HOW IS THIS NOT A THING

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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DID SOMEONE SAY PLUMBUS!?

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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Yes. YES. We need to found the Dwile Flonking Organization of America (DFO-A) immediately. I would fucking rule at this game. Calvinball with alcohol.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower
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Um, that guy’s dead right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Blindsided by a horse at speed? No, but it was a long and painful recovery.

blaxabbath
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h ttps://i.ytimg.com/vi/6PSV0AV1BI0/hqdefault.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I didn’t see it, but it still scared the dog.

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/shocked_dog.gif

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Needless to say, the Arsenio gif was the only reasonable response.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ll take your word for it.

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