As many of you know, I live in St. Louis. Don’t feel for me, I may have lost the Rams, but I gained
from having to root for them. Anyhoo, the other thing that people associate with St. Louis is beer. We are the home of Budweiser, even though it’s been bought by InBev, they still manufacture their beer here.
So, with our regular Beer Barrel contributor sidelined, I thought I’d give our local MACROBREW a review.
That’s right, I’m going to review the beer that everyone in America says “Oh, if that’s all you have” when it’s offered.
Bud Light.
I started my journey with a swig from a cold, cold can. It’s straight out of the crisper. It tastes… watery. You can tell, right away, that there is little substance to Bud Light. It may be #UpForAnything but it definitely tastes like someone did something in it.
You see, even though there is very, VERY little flavor to be found in a can of Bud Light, what is there seems diluted. Have you ever drank a watered down soda? That’s the impression here. It’s as if someone collected the water from a barge’s garbage collection hold, added dirt, then diluted it with more water.
It’s the hint of a taste of something awful. As if you’re seeing the true horror that could have been unleashed upon you were it not for the gallons of water holding you back. Much like an eldritch horror glimpsed in the corners of your cone of vision as you go mad, Bud Light hints at something…sinister going into your mouth. An intrusion on your taste buds that screams “Let me out,” but instead must be forever caged in the mouth of madness from whence it hath sprung.
In other words, it’s not very good. If someone offers it, ask for something else.
That Bic pen you got hidden in the back is the Bud Light of office supplies.
New Belgium just put out a collaborative pack of Fat Tire brewed by Allagash, Firestone Walker, hop works and Avery. Gonna have to try it.
I’ve got one sitting in the fridge already. Thursday can’t come soon enough.
FYI. They are all better than fat tire. Firestone Walker is the best. IMO.
Bud Light aka Pipi Beer because it tastes like piss and it makes you go to the bathroom.
“I don’t understand… our research, analytics, and brand managers assured everyone is #UpForWhatever!”
— Ben Blank, Uproxx COO
Consolation prize:
To be fair, Bud Light is the perfect drink for when it’s your turn in the barrel.
To be fair; DTZM didn’t ask for any of this.
“Let me out”
The Smashing Pumpkins – Cherub Rock
https://youtu.be/q-KE9lvU810
Also: Budweiser Select and Bud Light Platinum are severely underrated.
I prefer this version of Let Me Out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdsJDLSI_Mo
Bud Light is to beer what The Eagles are to music.
I would like to nominate this sentiment as a banner quote.
It’s magical.
Seconded.
The Eagles blow.
The ayes have it.
And Budweiser is to beer what Bruce Springsteen is to music!
Budweiser is to beer what Cuntler is to commenting!
But having been to college, you can do worse. Busch Light. Or God help you, regular Bud. Those are difficult to just keep down, even if you’ve had a head start with something tolerable.
Otherwise, yeah. Watered down dirt swill is about right.
I don’t mind regular Bud. Mind you I don’t go looking for it either but on a hot day a couple of ice-cold Bud tallboys aren’t the worst thing you could drink.
Not while Piels is still cranking ’em out anyway.
I can pour down some regular buds but even with no other beer options I’m turning down the bud light.
I’ve got standards man!
I had a couple friends in college that “bought” a Coke machine and would fill it with Hamm’s. They would throw parties and that was the only beer supplied. I didn’t go to many of their parties.
I had Hamm’s once.
Once.
Hamms used to have that commercial with the cartoon bear. They denied marketing to children though.
My grandmother used to plow the shit out of some Olympia beer. She could polish off a case a day working in her garden. She would crack open the first one about 9 in the morning and work in the sun the rest of the day.
She was a goddamn inspiration.
Your grandmother’s a goddamn hero.
And you know what hipsters fucking took away from that story? Drinking Olympia beer.
Never even heard of Hamm’s.
The cheapest you could get in North Cakalaky (non-malt liqour edition) was Old Milwaukee’s Best, referred to as “Beast.” There was “Blue Beast” (which I think was watered down Lite) and the much-feared, vomit-in-a-can “Red Beast.”
I remember standing on a brick wall (SMRT!) my freshman year and loudly announcing “I’m so fucking drunk I can’t even see anymore, and I STILL can’t drink this shit” and chucking the can of Red Beast as far as I could.
That is smart. The dumbest thing you can do drunk is stand atop some unstable structure. That’s how you get hurt.
Miller Lite.
Even in college, I understood it was bros-being-bros when people would debate about what beer was piss (as if anyone could afford anything different) but, the day I tried Miller Lite, I truly knew what a shitty shitty beer was.