Hired Goonies? I Didn’t Hire Any Goonies…

INT. A DINGY RESTAURANT BASEMENT – DAY

A struggling prisoner sits tied to a chair.  A pair of goons stand over him menacingly.

GOON 1: When’s Mama gettin’ back?

GOON 2: [puffing on a cigar] Should be any minute now.

GOON 1: [to prisoner] When she gets here, tubby, you’re gonna spill your guts.

GOON 2: You’se better do it metaphorically, or’s else you’se gonna be doing it literally. [blows a blast of smoke into the prisoner’s face]

GOON 1: [coughs] Hey, man, could you put that damned cigar out?

bisciotti

STEVE BISCIOTTI: Wassa matter?  You’se worried the smell is gonna get into your toupee?

kroenke2

STAN KROENKE: [touches his “hair”] Shut up, I don’t wear a toupee!

KROENKE lunges at BISCIOTTI and the two begin wrestling. 

— [door flies open] —

martha-ford

MARTHA FORD: Knock it off, you jackasses!

The two release each other as FORD walks into the room carrying a blender and a large paper bag with the word BUBBA’S printed on it.  She sets the blender down on a table next to the prisoner and makes a casual, deliberate show of plugging it in.  She reaches into the bag and pulls out a container of hot link sausages.

FORD: Grab his arm!

KROENKE and BISCIOTTI grab the prisoner’s arm as FORD removes the top of the blender and fires it up.

FORD: First we start with the pudgy little fingers…

FORD drops the sausages into the blender and the whirring noise changes pitch as they are mashed into a greasy paste.

FORD: Then the plump little hand…

She takes some brisket and drops it into the blender.

FORD: Then the fleshy arm…

She drops in a handful of pulled pork.

FORD: AND THEN WE ADD SOME KALE! SOME NICE, HEALTHY, LEAFY KALE!

PRISONER: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

andy1

ANDY REID: [breaks down whimpering] Stop, stop!  All right, I’ll talk!

FORD: Now, all of us are playing against the Giants this season.  Tell me how you manage to keep beating them.

REID: Goosebumps.

FORD: Don’t lie to me!

REID: Honest, lady! Every night before we play the Giants we FedEx one of the Goosebumps books over to Eli Manning.  He gets so spooked that he can’t sleep right and he comes out flat!

BISCIOTTI: Don’t give us none of your bullshit stories, huh?

KROENKE: [forcing REID to look him in the eyes] Hey kid.  I want you to spill your guts.  Tell us everything.

REID: [gulps] Everything?

KROENKE: Everything.

REID: Okay, I’ll talk.  [takes a deep breath] In Superbowl XXXIX I used one of my timeouts in the third quarter and didn’t stop the clock at all during our drive in the last five minutes when we were down 10 points.  In 2010 against the [*Redacted] s I had first and goal with 1:45 left in the half and we had to kick a field goal on third down cause I ran out of time. In 2015 against the Bengals we had the ball with two minutes left and two timeouts and we only managed to run three plays…

…five minutes later…

REID: …and then…at the NFL Owners’ meeting…our session went long and we had to skip lunch and when it was time for the buffet that night I went nuts and pigged out and they threw me ou-ou-out [blubbering]…and then the Chiefs were so embarrassed they told the press that I was never there cause I’d had knee surgery…

…five more minutes later…

BISCIOTTI: [with an arm over Andy’s shoulder] I’m beginning to like this kid.

REID: But the worst thing I ever done, was at a game in Tampa Bay.  And it was ninety degrees and really humid and so we all ate ice cream at halftime.  And then in the third quarter…the trainer told me that one of my players might have heatstroke…but I sent him back on the field anyways…and when he got to the line of scrimmage…he made a noise like this.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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blaxabbath

that’s gonna be at the raiders game (on acid).

Unsurprised

Stan Kroenke reminds me of Donald Sutherland’s arsonist character in Backdraft, especially since both of them are likely to get off sexually to seeing things burn down.

Unsurprised

Just another example of throwing shit at the wall, and some sticking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, and it is much more likely that Kroenke is an arsonist IRL.

Unsurprised

… With Al Davis as the dead guy in the freezer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Steve Bicsiotti in the photo looks like the guy they find laying half out of his car with bullet holes in his eye and neck while several policeman stand around smoking. This all happened “Because he fuckin’ opened his big fuckin’ mout.”

Beerguyrob

I like how Jim Caldwell is standing behind Martha Ford, casually eating a sandwich.

ballsofsteelandfury

This comment right here deserves an award or something. That’s good stuff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What kind of sandwich is Caldwell’s preferred? Just curious.

Unsurprised

Because of the connection to all cat memes, I want to say cheeseburger. No reason they couldn’t make two stops on the way to the hideout.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tuna with extra tuna and a side of tuna, hold the bread (my late cat Moose’s sandwich preference).

Whatever it is, it’s smothered in ghost pepper sauce.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx8nfzhjgR1qdojzho1_500.gif

Senor Weaselo

“Pfft. Amateur hour.” -Senor Weaselo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You wrote this post just to use these, didn’t you?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dishonestly, MAYBE.

Unsurprised

THIS GUY EMMITT SMITH I CALL DATA CAUSE NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING HE SAYS

Unsurprised

THIS GUY BRETT FAVRE I CALL DATA’S DAD CAUSE HIS GENIUS IDEA WAS STICKING A CAMERA IN HIS PANTS

Unsurprised

THIS GUY TIM TEBOW I CALL THE OCTOPUS CAUSE HE NEVER MADE IT BUT A SMALL GROUP OF SUPERFANS NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT HIM

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Andy Reid after they free him: “Soooo…. are you guys gonna eat that smoothie?”

blaxabbath

This. This is the correct comment.

Unsurprised

I would slurp that fucker down so fast you’d think I was a porn star

blaxabbath

I get that Stan and Steve are Walt and Larry– but who is Igner? I want to say Jed York but that just feels lazy.

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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

My first thought was Dan Snyder but he seems more of a weasel than a buffoon.

Unsurprised

On behalf of Señor Weaselo, I take offense at comparing Snyder to the noble weasel.

Unsurprised

This is the correct answer.