Today is July 13, which prompted this internal dialogue:

LOGIC: The Hall of Fame Game is in 25 days.

COMMON SENSE: We’re almost there. Up top! *raises hand*

EMOTIONS: *loud eye roll* Will you, uh, geniuses EVER understand that you can only live in the present. *walking away* Ess emm eich. Ess emm God Damn eich! *flips double bird, mumbling stuff about self-deception*

PERCEPTION and MEMORY: *in unison, clapping* Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

Tonight’s drug of choice is… Nicotine, but in gum form. Yes, I have been a lifelong, unpaid advocate of the myriad benefits of cigarettes–e.g., smoldering hot smoke down your gullet; maintaining a masculine voice; attentiveness AND personality aid; feeling like a fooookin’ dragon; doing something with your hands during, or stepping out from, awkward social situations… But I think it’s time to give Phil Morris the exit interview, this time for good.

My wife and I quit when she got pregnant, but we both had decided to resume smoking after baby Ms. T entered this world. Afterwards, when she was eight, our daughter’s crying pleas for quitting failed. (In my defense, I advised her on how to be more persuasive: cue the crying while talking about my impending death, not after.) But as of last Sunday night, I’m out. I apologize to the World: I know depriving you of my staggeringly handsome smoking style is very selfish. But 20+ years of a pack a day on average is way more money than I ever intended to give to any tobacco company–and the government; let’s not forget those taxing fuckers. Maybe I’ll take up cigars down the road, though that Suck and Blow / Never Swallow policy is for pricks.

On the sports docket for tonight, Oh Dios. The international soccer tournaments are done, and there is not even a single MLB game. (Celebrate or bitch about accordingly.) I know one thing, though: that would not have deterred Beerguyrob from putting up a decent lineup of viewing suggestion and topics–what do you think of him, Maude? Yep, I agree. So, let’s see:

CFL Football : Ottawa (2-0-1) vs. Toronto (2-1) – 7:30 PM EST (TSN Network) – Here’s The Maestro’s preview, which includes Week 3 recaps and looking ahead to the rest of the Week 4 action.

WNBA : Done already for the day? SMH, albeit quizzically.

MLS : Full Slate (All games on MLS Live plus channels in parentheses)

Colombus Crew SC hosts Toronto FC – 7:00 PM EST (TSN2)

New York Red Bulls host Orlando City SC – 7:30 EST (MSG)

Chicago Fire hosts Sporting Kansas City – 8:30 EST (CSN-Chicago)

Vancouver Whitecaps FC host FC Dallas – 10:30 EST (Q13 Fox)

Portland Timbers host Montreal Impact – 10:30 EST (Root Sports NW)

NBA Summer League, uh, action? At 8:00 PM EST – ESPN 2 (Celtics – Cavs) & ESPN 3 (76ers – “NBA D-League Select Team”)

The ESP–No, nononono.

Via blacksportsonline.com

The mere fact that the ESPYs are still a thing makes me wanna go to a field of daisies and chain smoke a carton of Marlboros while kicking the shit out of, and stomping in the spazziest manner, every single damn flower. Then again, it’s so true to form; nobody does portentous and elaborate nothings like ESPN. Maybe it’s my fault; I still consider as a deliberate, personal affront to my intelligence that fucking “30 for 30” about Jimmy The Greek.

In NFL news, the Second Circuit, etc. etc., Brady’s still suspended. (Here is Sill’s take.) But I wonder if someone had foreseen, oh, I dunno, the strengths and weaknesses of each party’s legal position in the wake of the original suspension reversal by, say, early September, 2015? Cough. COUGH, I say. (Sorry, but us addicts must reexamine our past not for self-immolation, but for signs that not everything was terrible. *Checks to see if pandering worked; eh, mixed results*) Enough horn tooting; let’s look ahead.

It’s preseason season! YES IT IS. This day, July 13, is officially the day it is acceptable to engage in incredibly myopic and specific forecasts for the 2016 season. *Shoves new nicotine chicklet into mouth* RGIII and Gary Barnidge will be a proficient TD battery. Take it to the bank. Ndamukong Suh’s work ethic and Ryan Tannehill’s preference for bombs instead of checkdowns will carry the Dolphins to the AFC East title, while the Jets and Bills round out the AFC Wild Card spots. Mark Sanchez’s pre-snap adjustments will take him to the top-5 in QBR, and Elway will sign Von Miller to a 5-year contract with $75 million guaranteed—and for naught, as the Chargers’ sturdy O-Line will win them the AFC West.

*Shoves 5 nicotine chicklets into mouth*

The Bears defense will hold every team to less than 13 points–except the Vikings’ top-rated passing attack. Arizona will go 15-1 before losing to a Lions team that rode a scorching hot streak into a Wild Card spot, and Golden Tate will smash the yards from scrimmage record. The Texans will be the brightest star in the now ultra-hip AFC South, where every team will finish tied at 10-6. The Bengals will reach the AFC Championship and Marvin Lewis will finish second to Mike Mularkey as Coach of the Year.

Via imgflip.com

Everybody will be satisfied with the amount of media coverage afforded to the Steelers, Packers, Seahawks, and Giants. Sam Bradford becomes Philly’s favorite son, due to his averaging 250 passing yards per game and a 3:2 TD to INT ratio. After a 4-0 start, Chip Kelly will say in a press conference: “Our present success is due to the players, and only the players. Please stop; I’m not fishing for compliments”.  Terrell Suggs will announce his retirement in a written press release, in which he will inform having joined a Cistercian monastery.  Goodell will bless and spur the Raiders move to Las Vegas and will announce his retirement once the transaction is consummated, adding: “This was long due, the NFL owed this one to Al Davis”.

Dan Snyder will take the high road. Jerry Jones will say “I’ll have to mull it over with my staff”. Stan Kroenke will fire Jeff Fisher and pledge a total of $100 million to St. Louis County for “reparations”. Jerry Richardson will institute the very first #BlackLivesMatter pregame ceremony that every single NFL stadium will make standard for the month of December. And Ed Hochuli is demoted to field judge and assigned to Jeff Triplette’s crew.

The dead season’s gone, and now we’re into Dream Season. Year Two of DFO is underway folks, and  Keep. Yourselves. Aliiiiiiive!

Much love to Beerguyrob. This thread is fucking OPEN.

Banner photo from “Cracking Up” (1983), via blogspot.com