YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.

Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!

Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.

Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.

And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*

*in an orderly, respectful manner