Latest posts by Beastmode Ate My Baby (see all)
- Prisoners On The Pleasure Planet! Chapter Sixteen – May 25, 2018
- Prisoners On The Pleasure Planet! Chapter Fifteen – May 25, 2018
- Hard Ride To Nowhere: The End, No Really I Mean It This Time, Seriously, Guys, This Is It – May 18, 2018
The scene: The DFO clubhouse, hours after the NFL Opening Day game. The DFOers are still partying hard, because football is back! And also because most of them haven’t been in the same place since last Moosemas. There’s drinking, and dancing…well, not so much dancing. Most of the members are guys and they’re just not feeling the man-to-man dance rhythm. Not that they object to anyone who does! DFO is an LGBTQ-friendly club, they don’t discriminate. They also don’t pretend that the bathrooms are a sacred place that must be protected “for the children,” because:
- There are no children in the club anyway, and
- It’s stupid
Where were we? Right! Partying! And drinking! Lots of drinking! ’80s hits blaring out of the jukebox!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (dipping the non-existent Margot Robbie): My dear, have I told you that I’ve seen Suicide Squad fourteen times?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (watching the dance and taking a toke from his glow-in-the-dark bong): Dude, like, Rikki really needs to stay out of my sock drawer, man.
OSZ (taking a hit from the bong): Why do you even have a sock drawer here, Marc?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, my mom always told me to have an extra pair of clean socks around, man.
OSZ (exhaling smoke): There are no socks in that drawer, Marc. Just drugs.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, man, that’s right! I wanted to remind you to remind me to buy some socks, man!
Brocky (accepting the bong from OSZ, and still only wearing a “Sexy Devil” novelty apron): I could use a pair of socks…
Otto’s Brain (rolling up in a kind of zig-zag): I love you guys! Didja know that? I mean, I really love you guys!
OSZ (watching Otto’s Brain roll off): I think someone spiked Otto’s globe.
Brocky (looking at the goosebumps on his arms): It’s chilly in here! How come you guys keep turning the air conditioning on?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (shrugging): Because you’re almost naked, and it’s funny, man.
JJ Fozz walks by the trio, a bottle of whiskey in hand. He shakes his head, looks at Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, now doing a solo Lambada, and takes a yuuuge swig.
JJ Fozz (walking over to DTZM): I think we’re gonna have to tighten up our membership guidelines, chief.
DTZM doesn’t respond. He just stands there, looking straight ahead, a silly grin plastered on his face.
JJ Fozz: I mean, if we want to stay elite…and I’m not talkin’ Joe Flacco elite, I mean the real deal…we’re gonna have to get a bit tougher on our new recruits. Hey, are you listening?
JJ Fozz waves a hand in front of DTZM’s face. When there’s no response he takes the half-full glass out of DTZM’s hand, sniffs it, gives it a taste test, then scowls.
JJ Fozz (to the room): All right, which of you dumbasses gave DTZM a glass of Moosemas Brew?
Yeah Right walks by, shrugging his shoulders as JJ Fozz gives him a glare, then sits down on the couch next to Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
Yeah Right: You’re Teddy, right? Marc’s new friend?
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grf.
Yeah Right: I’m Yeah Right! Hey, it’s going to be great having another Vikings fan around.
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grarg.
Yeah Right: Seriously! I mean, when I heard about Bridgewater I was all…
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Rawg!
Yeah Right: Exactly! And trading a first-rounder for Bradford…
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Nrf.
Yeah Right: Well, the odds are good that Cutler will pick up something life-threatening from one of his kids, so we can at least finish out of the basement.
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grg.
Covalent Blonde comes walking up to the couch.
Covalent Blonde: Dibs on the couch.
Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Hrf?
Yeah Right: Yeah, right! We’ve been sitting here! You can’t just call dibs…
Covalent Blonde (leveling her stare): Dibs. On. The. Couch.
Yeah Right and Teddy’s Bridge OTW try to match her gaze, but they both break within seconds.
Yeah Right (getting off the couch): We were gonna grab some beers anyway.
Teddy’s Bridge OTW (following Yeah Right): Grf.
Covalent Blonde sprawls across the couch. Moosemas Gorilla comes lumbering over, Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, and collapses next to her as a new song comes up on the jukebox.
Horatio Cornblower: You’ve got that right, pal. Time travel, space travel, ninjas, prehistoric savages…
Covalent Blonde: Giant robots.
Horatio Cornblower: It’s been a busy year. I just want to sit back and watch football for the next few months.
Covalent Blonde: Yeah.
Horatio Cornblower: Just take it easy, maybe get a little sun…
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.
Horatio Cornblower: Yeah. That’s just not going to happen, is it?
Covalent Blonde: Nope.
WCS (walking up): Hey, guys! What, you’re just sitting around? Come on, it’s a party!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
WCS: I heard you guys had some excitement!
Covalent Blonde: Well…
WCS: Same here! Let me tell you…first I found that thing on my foot…
Horatio Cornblower: Foot…?
WCS (taking off his shoe): Oh, yeah…here, let me show you…
Pirate Sloth and Lord Revisisle were heading for the couch, but veer off suddenly.
Pirate Sloth: Arr, it be the foot story again.
Lord Revisisle: You’re lucky…you just got back yesterday so you’ve only heard it twice.
They intercept Doktor Zymm, who was heading for the couch.
Pirate Sloth: Arr, ye don’t want to be doin’ that, Doc.
Doktor Zymm (peeking past them): Ze foot story?
Pirate Sloth (nodding): Aye.
Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): All zis trouble over an extra toe.
Lord Revisisle: No kidding! Why would he…wait, his doctors never figured out what it was.
Pirate Sloth: Aye. How would ye be knowin’ that it be a toe?
Lord Revisisle (shocked): Zymm! Were you growing another WCS?
Doktor Zymm (innocently): No…?
Lord Revisisle: Are you kidding me? You can’t just go around using the club members as your personal guinea pigs!
Doktor Zymm (breaking away): Ja, vell, gut talking mit you, but zere’s Zill, zo…
Doktor Zymm darts away from Pirate Sloth and Lord Revisisle, and over to where Sill Bimmons is talking with Ballsofsteelandfury.
Sill Bimmons: …and so I cried, “I say thee nay, foul knave, your venomous lies have brought a reckoning upon thee!” and didst turn my full fury upon him.
Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns at Doktor Zymm as she walks up): Doc! Hey! Sill was just telling me about the time he ran into Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
Doktor Zymm (disgusted): You should have run him over.
Ballsofsteelandfury (single finger gun, double shot): Nice one, Doc!
Sill Bimmons: Indeed, and ’tis good to have thee back, good Doktor!
Otto’s Brain (rolling up in a zig-zag): Hey, guys! I love you guys, you know that? I really love you guys!
Otto’s Brain zig-zags off through the party, telling everyone how much he loves them.
Doktor Zymm: Perhaps I should not have increased ze alcohol content in Otto’s globe.
Ballsofsteelandfury: Aw, it’s a party! The guy’s gotta have some fun. You guys hang here, I’ll go snag us some beers.
Ballsofsteelandfury goes over to the bar, where King Hippo is sitting and talking to Beerguyrob. Future Moose is sitting at the end of the bar. Behind the bar Low Commander and Cookiethulhu are working. And wearing lederhosen.
Ballsofsteelandfury (single finger, single shot): Heya, Hippo! So how are you liking the clubhouse?
King Hippo: This place is great! How do ya get to be a member?
Beerguyrob (pointing at the lederhosen-clad prospects): Ask them.
Low Commander: Mochtest du ein Bier?
Cookiethulhu: I say, old man, I think the lederhosen is going a bit far!
King Hippo (looking over the bar at the two prospects): Gee…I dunno. I’m not sure I’ve got the legs for those.
Otto’s Brain (zig-zagging by): I loooooooove you guys!
Ballsofsteelandfury (grabbing a pitcher of beer): Danke, kids! Hey, Moose!
Ballsofsteelandfury walks over to Future Moose.
Ballsofsteelandfury (clapping Future Moose on the back): Hey, I still can’t believe we made it ba-
Suddenly, Future Moose falls off the bar stool and crashes to the floor. He lies there motionless.
Ballsofsteelandfury (shocked): Moose…? Hey, buddy are you okay?
The other DFOers look over as Ballsofsteelandfury futilely tries to wake up Future Moose.
Ballsofsteelandfury: Holy frek, you guys…I think Moose is dead!