Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 47)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The DFO clubhouse, hours after the NFL Opening Day game. The DFOers are still partying hard, because football is back! And also because most of them haven’t been in the same place since last Moosemas. There’s drinking, and dancing…well, not so much dancing. Most of the members are guys and they’re just not feeling the man-to-man dance rhythm. Not that they object to anyone who does! DFO is an LGBTQ-friendly club, they don’t discriminate. They also don’t pretend that the bathrooms are a sacred place that must be protected “for the children,” because:

  1. There are no children in the club anyway, and
  2. It’s stupid

Where were we? Right! Partying! And drinking! Lots of drinking! ’80s hits blaring out of the jukebox!

And there is some dancing, but really it’s only because Rikki-Tikki-Deadly got into Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s super-secret hidden ‘shroom stash, and is currently convinced he’s doing the Tango with Margot Robbie.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (dipping the non-existent Margot Robbie): My dear, have I told you that I’ve seen Suicide Squad fourteen times?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (watching the dance and taking a toke from his glow-in-the-dark bong): Dude, like, Rikki really needs to stay out of my sock drawer, man.

OSZ (taking a hit from the bong): Why do you even have a sock drawer here, Marc?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, my mom always told me to have an extra pair of clean socks around, man.

OSZ (exhaling smoke): There are no socks in that drawer, Marc. Just drugs.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, man, that’s right! I wanted to remind you to remind me to buy some socks, man!

Brocky (accepting the bong from OSZ, and still only wearing a “Sexy Devil” novelty apron): I could use a pair of socks…

Otto’s Brain (rolling up in a kind of zig-zag): I love you guys! Didja know that? I mean, I really love you guys!

OSZ (watching Otto’s Brain roll off): I think someone spiked Otto’s globe.

Brocky (looking at the goosebumps on his arms): It’s chilly in here! How come you guys keep turning the air conditioning on?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (shrugging): Because you’re almost naked, and it’s funny, man.

JJ Fozz walks by the trio, a bottle of whiskey in hand. He shakes his head, looks at Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, now doing a solo Lambada, and takes a yuuuge swig.

JJ Fozz (walking over to DTZM): I think we’re gonna have to tighten up our membership guidelines, chief.

DTZM doesn’t respond. He just stands there, looking straight ahead, a silly grin plastered on his face.

JJ Fozz: I mean, if we want to stay elite…and I’m not talkin’ Joe Flacco elite, I mean the real deal…we’re gonna have to get a bit tougher on our new recruits. Hey, are you listening?

JJ Fozz waves a hand in front of DTZM’s face. When there’s no response he takes the half-full glass out of DTZM’s hand, sniffs it, gives it a taste test, then scowls.

JJ Fozz (to the room): All right, which of you dumbasses gave DTZM a glass of Moosemas Brew?

Yeah Right walks by, shrugging his shoulders as JJ Fozz gives him a glare, then sits down on the couch next to Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Yeah Right: You’re Teddy, right? Marc’s new friend?

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grf.

Yeah Right: I’m Yeah Right! Hey, it’s going to be great having another Vikings fan around.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grarg.

Yeah Right: Seriously! I mean, when I heard about Bridgewater I was all…

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Rawg!

Yeah Right: Exactly! And trading a first-rounder for Bradford…

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Nrf.

Yeah Right: Well, the odds are good that Cutler will pick up something life-threatening from one of his kids, so we can at least finish out of the basement.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Grg.

Covalent Blonde comes walking up to the couch.

Covalent Blonde: Dibs on the couch.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW: Hrf?

Yeah Right: Yeah, right! We’ve been sitting here! You can’t just call dibs…

Covalent Blonde (leveling her stare): Dibs. On. The. Couch.

Yeah Right and Teddy’s Bridge OTW try to match her gaze, but they both break within seconds.

Yeah Right (getting off the couch): We were gonna grab some beers anyway.

Teddy’s Bridge OTW (following Yeah Right): Grf.

Covalent Blonde sprawls across the couch. Moosemas Gorilla comes lumbering over, Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, and collapses next to her as a new song comes up on the jukebox.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: You’ve got that right, pal. Time travel, space travel, ninjas, prehistoric savages…

Covalent Blonde: Giant robots.

Horatio Cornblower: It’s been a busy year. I just want to sit back and watch football for the next few months.

Covalent Blonde: Yeah.

Horatio Cornblower: Just take it easy, maybe get a little sun…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: Yeah. That’s just not going to happen, is it?

Covalent Blonde: Nope.

WCS (walking up): Hey, guys! What, you’re just sitting around? Come on, it’s a party!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

WCS: I heard you guys had some excitement!

Covalent Blonde: Well…

WCS: Same here! Let me tell you…first I found that thing on my foot…

Horatio Cornblower: Foot…?

WCS (taking off his shoe): Oh, yeah…here, let me show you…

Pirate Sloth and Lord Revisisle were heading for the couch, but veer off suddenly.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, it be the foot story again.

Lord Revisisle: You’re lucky…you just got back yesterday so you’ve only heard it twice.

They intercept Doktor Zymm, who was heading for the couch.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, ye don’t want to be doin’ that, Doc.

Doktor Zymm (peeking past them): Ze foot story?

Pirate Sloth (nodding): Aye.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): All zis trouble over an extra toe.

Lord Revisisle: No kidding! Why would he…wait, his doctors never figured out what it was.

Pirate Sloth: Aye. How would ye be knowin’ that it be a toe?

Lord Revisisle (shocked): Zymm! Were you growing another WCS?

Doktor Zymm (innocently): No…?

Lord Revisisle: Are you kidding me? You can’t just go around using the club members as your personal guinea pigs!

Doktor Zymm (breaking away): Ja, vell, gut talking mit you, but zere’s Zill, zo…

Doktor Zymm darts away from Pirate Sloth and Lord Revisisle, and over to where Sill Bimmons is talking with Ballsofsteelandfury.

Sill Bimmons: …and so I cried, “I say thee nay, foul knave, your venomous lies have brought a reckoning upon thee!” and didst turn my full fury upon him.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns at Doktor Zymm as she walks up): Doc! Hey! Sill was just telling me about the time he ran into Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

Doktor Zymm (disgusted): You should have run him over.

Ballsofsteelandfury (single finger gun, double shot): Nice one, Doc!

Sill Bimmons: Indeed, and ’tis good to have thee back, good Doktor!

Otto’s Brain (rolling up in a zig-zag): Hey, guys! I love you guys, you know that? I really love you guys!

Otto’s Brain zig-zags off through the party, telling everyone how much he loves them.

Doktor Zymm: Perhaps I should not have increased ze alcohol content in Otto’s globe.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aw, it’s a party! The guy’s gotta have some fun. You guys hang here, I’ll go snag us some beers.

Ballsofsteelandfury goes over to the bar, where King Hippo is sitting and talking to Beerguyrob. Future Moose is sitting at the end of the bar. Behind the bar Low Commander and Cookiethulhu are working. And wearing lederhosen.


Ballsofsteelandfury (single finger, single shot): Heya, Hippo! So how are you liking the clubhouse?

King Hippo: This place is great! How do ya get to be a member?

Beerguyrob (pointing at the lederhosen-clad prospects): Ask them.

Low Commander: Mochtest du ein Bier?

Cookiethulhu: I say, old man, I think the lederhosen is going a bit far!

King Hippo (looking over the bar at the two prospects): Gee…I dunno. I’m not sure I’ve got the legs for those.

Otto’s Brain (zig-zagging by): I loooooooove you guys!

Ballsofsteelandfury (grabbing a pitcher of beer): Danke, kids! Hey, Moose!

Ballsofsteelandfury walks over to Future Moose.

Ballsofsteelandfury (clapping Future Moose on the back): Hey, I still can’t believe we made it ba-

Suddenly, Future Moose falls off the bar stool and crashes to the floor. He lies there motionless.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shocked): Moose…? Hey, buddy are you okay?

The other DFOers look over as Ballsofsteelandfury futilely tries to wake up Future Moose.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Holy frek, you guys…I think Moose is dead!

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighHoratio CornblowernomonkeyfunMarc Trestmans Windowless VanLow Commander of the Super Soldiers Recent comment authors
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Zig-zag. Are you telling me Otto’s Brain is stoned and drunk?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I still haven’t completely caught up on these. I should probably do that today, my only other plan was to get ahead in my Powershell class writing programs that take 5 hours, to get you to learn a simple concept, then make you write tedious code for the next 4 hours and 58 minutes.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Oh sure, just because I’m a Super Soldier, you all assume I’m German. Well… you got lucky this time.


Man, I do not envy Cookiethulhu trying to get those stains out of the leather.


That woman in the Nick Cave video has eyebrows that look like mutant caterpillars.

And I don’t “swig” from whiskey bottles, I “quaff”. I’m not a total barbarian.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I never get invited to the parties. End ONE universe, and people leave you off the guest list forever.

Horatio Cornblower

Can it Prospect.

Horatio Cornblower

Can it Prospect.


I sound almost sober.

I’m going to have to fix that.


Moosey!! Noooooooo!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think I’m just back in the future now, you know, to work things out with the little woman. Either that or my contract is up with CBS.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good to be back, and with extra appendages! Quick question: did Dok kill me, and replace me with a six-toed clone?
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Also, I kind of expected to have less toes.
(it won’t let me embed)

Doktor Zymm

Nah, I was trying to extend mitosis beyond single cells to complex organisms. It didn’t entirely work, but even getting a toe to reproduce itself is really good progress!

Doktor Zymm

I’m sure future Moose just shed his carapace on that bar stool and is totally fine.


Don’t you dare kill Future Moose off. That guy is an American treasure. An icon. A bloody legend!!!!!!
/might be too invested in this story
//Future tWBS comes running in with the defibrillator

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Oh come on man, those inconsequential and mostly unenforceable store gender policies might be the only thing standing between women and violent, compulsive sexual predators. Wait, when I say it like that, it almost sounds like a completely fucking retarded line of thinking.


You can’t stop Big Ben; you can only hope to contain him to a single stall