Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 108)

The scene: The future, but five years ago. So hundreds of years from now, but five years before the time when the DFO are waltzing around the Wasteland, starting fights with peaceful apes and visiting Iguana Mart.

The location is Moose City One, a massive domed city located on what used to be Denver. It’s a brightly-lit metropolis rife with activity. Air cars fly to and fro, a massive monorail system glides over the streets and skyscrapers rise to heights undreamed of in the 21^st century.

It’s a pretty far cry from the Wasteland.

The bright lights flare, and then dim for a moment as a hum reverberates throughout the dome before blazing to life again.

Seconds later a yuuuge airship descends menacingly from the sky, firing all guns at the dome. Cracks start to appear, then get larger and larger, until the dome shatters entirely, the broken pieces crashing to the streets thousands of feet below. The city’s defense system returns fire but the immense airship eradicates all resistance. It then descends upon the Imperial Castle and lands in the courtyard. The bay doors open and a large retinue of soldiers descend in formation, followed by Her Imperial Highness (a.k.a. Future Clone Debbie Harry) and her personal bodyguard, the Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (a.k.a. Low Commander, whose younger self is both shockingly clean-cut and remarkably unintoxicated).

Future Clone Debbie Harry (surveying the damage): Well done, Low Commander. I’m happy to see your developmental programming paid off.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Yes, my Empress. I did get an 89 rating in casual devastation.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Don’t brag, Low Commander. It’s unbecoming. Unless you’re me, of course.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Yes, my Empress.

Future Clone Debbie Harry strides into the palace, followed by Low Commander of the Super Soldiers. A guard attempts to intercept her, but she pulls out her Totally Instant Transmogrifier and turns him into a grapefruit.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (kicking the grapefruit down the hall): Now, accompany me to the throne room. I wish to sit upon the Imperial throne when I sentence Moose to molecular disintegration.

Cut to: The throne room, hours later. Future Clone Debbie Harry is sprawled across the orange & blue upholstered throne, Low Commander of the Super Soldiers at her side. Grapefruits litter the floor.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, this sucks.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Yes, my Empress.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Here I was figuring on a quick disintegration followed by a leisurely brunch, and maybe a few late-afternoon executions.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

A soldier enters the room and salutes.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (bored): Did you find Moose?

Soldier: No, my Empress, but…

Future Clone Debbie Harry zaps the soldier with her T.I.T., turning him into a grapefruit.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (shaking her T.I.T.): I think this thing is jammed. I could swear I set it on papaya that time.

Two more soldiers enter the room, Future Clone Lynda Carter between them.

Soldier #1: My Empress! We have found the brazen hussy who dared to usurp the affections of Emperor Moose!

Future Clone Lynda Carter: That’s quite the revisionist viewpoint.

Soldier #2 (holding up a techno-doohickey thingy): We also found this!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (squinting): And what exactly is that?

Future Clone Lynda Carter: That is a Chronal Utility Temporal Location Energy Rod.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Aha! One of Zymm’s inventions, I’m sure. So how exactly does it work?

Future Clone Lynda Carter: Well…

Suddenly Future Clone Lynda Carter kicks Soldier #1 right in the bait & tackle. As he goes down groaning, she kicks Soldier #2’s hand, sending the C.U.T.L.E.R. flying up into the air. She then spins around in a perfect arc and lays out Soldier #2 with a roundhouse kick, catches the C.U.T.L.E.R. and aims it right at Future Clone Debbie Harry.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: She’s a wonder!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Oh, shut up.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: If you want to see Moose so bad, I’ll send you right to him!

Future Clone Lynda Carter pushes a button on the C.U.T.L.E.R. The lights in the throne room dim, as do those of the rest of the city. A globe of energy surrounds Future Clone Debbie Harry and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers. It grows brighter and brighter, then blinks out of existence, taking the two of them with it. The C.U.T.L.E.R. sparks and starts smoking, and Future Clone Lynda Carter drops it.

Future Clone Lynda Carter (shaking her hand): Well, that’s the end of that gizmo. Nice work, Zymm!

A disembodied voice answers.

Future Zymm: I vas afraid it only had a few charges in it. I am just glad you vere able to zend Mooze back. He should be happy to zee ze old gang again.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: I guess so. He went back naked, did I tell you that? He is so weird sometimes.

Future Zymm: Vell, he ist a big fan of ze Terminator movies.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: So that’s that?

Future Zymm: Vell…

Future Clone Lynda Carter (glaring): Zymm, what are you not telling me?

Future Zymm: Vell, Future Clone Debbie Harry does find a way back to our time. Vell, not our time, exactly, but she returns several years from now.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: What? Seriously? Dammit, Zymm…

Future Zymm: I’m am just ze mezzenger. But, ja, she finds a vay to return. By my calculations, she should arrive in ze Wasteland, zo maybe ze problem vill take care of itzelf?

Future Clone Lynda Carter: Fat chance. Debbie’s a survivor. Well, crap. I’ll hang around here and do some clean-up, maybe hammer out a peace treaty or two, and then it’s off to the Wasteland for me. When she gets back, I’m going to be there.

Future Clone Lynda Carter starts picking up grapefruit.

Future Zymm: Umm…

Future Clone Lynda Carter: What? I’m just stocking up on vitamin C. Nothing better than a grapefruit in the morning.

Future Zymm: Ja. Never mind…

To be continued…