Do you know that Baltimore’s old nickname was “Mob Town”? Do you know that the more things change, the more they remain the same?

As I write this preseason thing, my city and town are in the summer doldrums. Humidity that hangs like a fetid blanket, scorching temperatures, cops shooting people, people complaining, naked and hidden racism, and we are all waiting for the Orioles to implode.

Okay, enough of my sunshiney prose. Oh, one more thing: I love football, but every season I find myself more and more conflicted due to all the shit that it brings.

Paul Tagliabue as a possible HOF candidate will bring unity to my city, because we will all rise up in an effort to beat this asshole to death with crab mallets.

Last year, the Ravens experienced more than 247 season ending injuries. From Terrell Suggs’s gum infection to Steve Smith’s sprained ego to Joe Flacco’s food poisoning that resulted from spoiled mayo on his cheese sandwich, it was a long ugly season. My bourble reached an all-time high.

So what’s going on this year? Well, we have Breshard Perriman, who has never played a down in pro football. He’s more injury prone than one of Queen Victoria’s offspring walking through a hall of mirrors. So write him off. Also, his injuries have allowed Coach Harbaugh to show his awesome ability to lie like a rug. (My mom says this all the time.)

After drafting Ronnie Stanley to protect Flacco’s knee, every asshole in Baltimore shit their pants and started burning effigies of Ozzie Newsome. These people should be flash frozen and shot into the sun. I hate them. Stanley is looking to start, and he’s going to be awesome.

Now, onto one of my favorite picks: Kamalei Correa. I love his funny name. In addition, he is certifiably insane. Should fit right in with the rest of us fuckers. Although he played for a college named Boise State (never heard of it) look for him to be on the field in certain situations, like after Suggs explodes and rains gum tissue all over downtown Baltimore.

We also had some decent free agents, and although he’s kind of old Eric Weddle might inspire a secondary that couldn’t cover a paraplegic. High motor, great beard, and my kids met him at our pool this summer. Really cool guy and his wife is not bad looking (fake cans, don’t doubt me, I know two things: bourbon and boobs.)

FOZZ NOTE: Steve Smith showed up at the same pool a few weeks ago and was a total fucking dick to everyone. No surprise, but worth mentioning.

Apparently the defense will be new and improved this year, and the offense has several fresh weapons. Pitta has decided to return and when his hip blows out in the upper deck on the second play of the season, he’s going to donate it to the Edgar Allen Poe museum. (FOZZ NOTE: the stupid fuck broke his finger in a training camp skirmish and who knows when he’ll play? He is dumber than a bus full of Tawmmies) Other names to watch, Crockett Gillmore (who is GRIT personified) and Maxx Williams. Also, we drafted Benjamin Watson in return for a year’s worth of Maalox and prunes.

Throw in about 43 different tight ends and some wide receivers that look like a bad joke and you have an offense that Bert Flacco can drive right into the ground. In all seriousness, I think Kamar Aikens might be the man, with Steve Smith second. Breshard Perriman cut his dreadlocks and feels “four pounds lighter”, which will hopefully reduce the chances of his knees turning to dust the day before the season opener. Mike Wallace could be a bright spot, he had a “breakout year” in 2015, so you never know.

Games to Watch: our season opener against the Bills. Ed Reed returns to Mob Town to sleep under his favorite bridge, harass fans for loose change, and dig through garbage bags in the parking lot. Nah, just kidding. I fucking love that guy.

In summation: I’m not sure if I can drink this much in a season and still be considered a good parent. Fuck it, that ship has sailed.