Thanks to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Darkest Timeline Zach Morris’ connections in Hollywood, we’re bringing in a special guest to provide fantasy football advice this week: star of stage and screen GARY OLDMAN!

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DOORFLIESOPEN: Gary I can’t tell how thrilled we are to have you providing our readers with fantasy football advice this week.  Thanks for being here.

GARY OLDMAN: I have crossed oceans of time to find you.

DFO: Yes, I heard the crosstown traffic was abominable.  It’s very gracious of you to have come by.  I understand you’re a fan of the site, and have even gone so far as to join up for the Insanity League.  Twenty teams, bonuses for big plays, actual value for kick returners…I’d imagine the strategies you’re using are a bit different than in a traditional four-point passing touchdown, half-point PPR league, I’m sure your advice will reflect that.

GARY OLDMAN: Our ways are not your ways. And to you there shall be many strange things.

DFO: Hey, it’s all good.  We’re happy mixing it up around here.  Anybody can go to Rotowire if all they need is to be told to start Julio Jones against the Saints.  We’re looking for some truly unorthodox thinking.  I’ll assume you can tell us a thing or two about Sleepers.

GARY OLDMAN: [giggles]

DFO:  [smiles] We like to have fun here.  Starting off with the topic of quarterbacks, did you see Carson Wentz get blown up in the Bears game?

GARY OLDMAN: He must have thought it was white boy day.  It wasn’t white boy day, was it?

DFO: [cheerily] Every day is white boy day when you play for Chip Kelly!  [sadly] But no, the Eagles fired Chip, so no, it wasn’t white boy day.  Who do you like at QB this week?

GARY OLDMAN: Well, besides your standard plays like Aaron Rodgers, Cam Newton, and Ben Roethlisberger, I’d look at Matt Ryan who must be salivating at his upcoming matchup against New Orleans and Phil Rivers, who is facing the Colts.  Nobody should be that hard up by this point in the season, but if you are, you could even go with Tannehill against the Browns, who are always a lock to give up points, especially with the complete teardown of their roster that’s in-progress.

DFO: And who do you like for wide receivers?

GARY OLDMAN: Toss me the burner.

DFO: Someone with speed, okay.  So…a Brandin Cooks or a T.Y. Hilton?  You’re looking for someone to break the big play.

GARY OLDMAN: For sure.  Stephon Diggs if you’ve got him.  I’d steer clear of Mike Wallace unless you don’t have better options; I think the numbers he’s put up in these first two games will turn out to be a mirage.  In fact, I’d advise to sell high if you can hoodwink someone into giving you something of value.

DFO: How about running backs – do you think DeAngelo Williams’ hot streak will continue?  For a 33 year-old running back, he’s turned out to be quite the warrior.

GARY OLDMAN: I don’t like warriors. Too narrow-minded, no subtlety. And worse, they fight for hopeless causes. Honor? Huh! Honor’s killed millions of people, it hasn’t saved a single one.

DFO: Do you think the Patriots will increase LeGarrette Blount’s workload this week?  How about Carlos Hyde?

GARY OLDMAN: I’m looking at Isaiah Crowell, actually.

DFO: You’re not worried about him sharing touches with Duke Johnson, Jr.?  Seems a bit risky to depend on a back who’s in a committee system.

GARY OLDMAN: What’s life without a little risk?

DFO: I suppose that’s true.  Moving on to defenses.

GARY OLDMAN: I actually prefer a streaming defense.  And here’s a little secret strategy I like to us – a reverse streaming defense.

DFO: Come again?

GARY OLDMAN: You find the weakest defensive team and play everybody you can against them.  For example, this week, it’s the Raiders.  So find every Titans player you can scoop up off the waiver wire and give him a ride.

DFO: I mean, I guess I could see that working with Marcus Mariota and Derrick Henry, but what about guys like Andre Johnson?  And Rishard Matthews?

GARY OLDMAN: [emphatically] Start everyone.

DFO: Are you sure?  I mean, Beau Brinkley hasn’t even caught a ball yet…

GARY OLDMAN: EVERYONE!!!