There are plenty of ways to lose. There are macro reasons (meddlesome ownership) and micro (lousy use of timeouts, injuries). Let’s explore the eight teams burdened by a win-less start to the season and dig deep or not so deep into the derp. Not all reasons will be looked at today-after all, many of these teams will be sporting an 0-3 mark next week. And I shall be there…uh, here. Somewhere.
1. Cleveland Browns Could there possibly be another team at the one spot? The team that every fan points to when their own squad is going through a rough patch is enduring Hurricane Jesus Christ! Three weeks in and three starting qb’s. But let’s back up a bit. GM Kevin Costner entered the draft with a buttload (14) draft picks. However, if you want no wins in two tries you need a bit more than bad luck, you need to squander your resources! And Costner did a fine job, picking five wide receivers and only two offensive lineman. Did I mention he signed an injury-prone RG3 in the offseason? Why not protect your asset? Yes, you the reader can accuse me of 20/20 hindsight but as a Cleveland front office type, Costner had to know that this was going to happen. Perhaps he was smart drafting all those wr’s instead of merely inviting most of them to free agent camp. That way they were obligated to go and couldn’t just look for a better offer. The league is freaking swimming in slant route runners but this is how math is done The Brown Way. 1. sign a wonky qb + 2. don’t bother to protect him + 3. don’t protect his backup + 4. have the backup’s backup be a rookie 5. draft a shit ton of wr’s=0-2. If things couldn’t get any Browns-ier, the one rook wr that was getting playing time just broke his hand in practice.
2. Buffalo Bills The defensive-oriented head coach of the Bills has seen his team give up 50 points over the course of the first two games. What to do…what to do? FIRE THE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, OF COURSE! I guess Rex has decided that the time isn’t right to throw Brother Rob under the bus because the former knows that the latter will hop that Greyhound to Vegas, convert his severance cheque into chips and place half of it on 6 and the other half on 9 at the roulette table, spin the wheel and howl while palming the breast of his escort for the evening. Buffalo’s next two games are home vs. the Cards and away against the Pats. I see 0-4.
3. Chicago Bears The Bears somehow lost on both Sunday and Monday night yet it isn’t reflected in the standings as of this writing. Bears’ fans lost when they tuned in to see them play against the Eagles. Qb Cutler lost the ability to hold on to the football. He’s got ligament damage in his thumb, maybe. Will it require surgery? Lb Lamar Houston lost himself a season by ACL-ing his knee. Other lb Trevathan is going under the knife for a thumb injury. Who does he think he is, a qb? Five other players are concussed or hamstringed or high-ankle sprained. If they’re able to field a team next week I’m sure they will end up 0-3.
4. Washington Redacteds Is there such a thing as karma? If there is Lil’ Danny Snyder is living it in the NFL. He must go about the acquisition of free agents the same way ordinary folks regard adding to their bobblehead collections. “Oooo! I must have that!” This is where cb Norman enters the room. Sure it’s early days but the 4.6-running 40 guy is kinda sorta looking like the beneficiary of the Panthers D setup. But he was shiny-I will give him that, and Danny must, must have shiny things. Perhaps Norman will escape his fate and not be included with the likes of Jeff George, Albert Haynesworth, Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta and many, many others.
5. Indianapolis Colts The Colts have given up a whopping 73 points and 848 yards so far this year. If your goal as a team is to start 0-2 for the third year in a row kudos to you fine gentleman in the front office that continue to forget that a D must be fielded every game. Remember up above when I spoke about this being a pass-happy league? That very average secondary that began the season is now a mosaic of limpers and head-ouchers. Cb Butler (hamstring), cb Davis (ankle), cb Robinson (concussion) safety Geathers (foot) and safety Green (knee) are all not at full speed/being replaced with inferior talent. This is one of the reasons why-hold on to your armchair rests, folks-the D did not get a single, not a one, 3-and-out against a Trevor Siemian-led O last week. Wow. Now they face a 32 points a game-scoring Chargers team that even without Allen and Woodhead are frothing at the mouth at the chance to explore every nook and cranny of the end zone. Trade for wr Benjamin while you can.
6. Jacksonville Jags “Hello Darkness, my old friend.”-Blake Bortles How do you hold down a team that has young talent everywhere on the roster? Put that team in the hands of one Gus Bradley and watch him work his not-magic. And what a job he’s pulled off-a coaching record of 12-38 doesn’t just *happen*, my friends. What Gus does is make absolutely sure that the Jags break training camp unprepared so that they are guaranteed to handicap themselves with a slow start. Over the course of his four years on the job he is 1 for September! This way a lousy work environment is established as early as possible for the players. Despite his best efforts the Jags sometimes win a game or two but Bradley is right there in the locker room afterwards reminding them of the uphill climb they have for the rest of the season. I think Old Gus is the first coach to go this year and with a name like that he can go back to his roots as a back-shaving, scrapyard-owning ‘Merican.
7. New Orleans Saints The unvaunted Saints D gave the O three fumble recoveries last week vs. the Giants and were rewarded with a big fat zero points in return. Let the narrative, “Brees is a whole ‘nother QB on the road”, ring from the mountaintops. One fansite I happened upon thought that the D giving up a mere 432 yards was progress because only 64 of that was on the ground. No one tell that poor soul that teams don’t bother with the run game because it’s so damn easy to pass on them. Still, I don’t think that the Saints are long for this list because they’ve got the Falcons on Monday night at home and that darn narrative tells me that Brees will go off for 450 and they win a 48-45 squeaker.
8. Miami Dolphins Rb Foster is injured [checks watch] right on time. Qb Tannehill threw for 389 yards vs. the Pats last week (Yay!) and was also the leading rusher (Wha…?) They host the #1-ranked Browns at home this week so I’m crossing them off the list. XXX
So that’s the stadium concourse at 6 AM, then.
GIMME THEM SWEET DEFENSE FANTASY POINTS
think it’s time to get a libation
Hey, these uniforms aren’t abject crap! It’s a start, NFL.
NAWT FAYAHH!!!
The Twitter stream of these games is of quite high quality. Well done.
Oh fuck Rodney Harrison to death.
Twitter right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptK-rZdz9H4
No more embed? 🙁
Mitchell signals a first down, the locals don’t like that
So Belichick activated Gronk just to fuck with everybody, right?
He would never do that. He is a man of honour.
hey, Dahhhhkie Tahhhhmy might be ok?
/FUCK you FACKS don’t deserve a fine wolf like Jacoby
I had a comment about NC State homers being fundamentally conflicted about Brissett tonight. Oh well.
rooting for a loss caused by defensive failures and non-QB fumbles. Jacoby’s a good dude and this is likely his only NFL start.
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“Where you going with this?”
-Lambchop
I’m thinking alcohol consumption in NE is up by 98% since Pats fans are rooting for a black QB.
How was that a catcheable ball?
It look to me about 10 yards out of bounds.
commercial reminds me, new Beck is shitty
Que onda guero?
I believe Roseanne said the exact same thing about Sarah Chalke. She was mistaken.
If you post about a new phone, you are a sebaceous cyst of a person.
The sebaceous cyst anti-defamation league wants nothing to do with this.
What if he has a new country ringtone?
Shitty spot
Are you referring to jjfozz’s laundry?
Fortunately tomorrow is a light day, hooray for weekday drinking!
So no Jimmy Krabappelo tonight.
Also, since leading the Broncos to a 2-0 record, a deluge of homemade “Facts of Life” hentai has been shipped to Trevor Siemian’s PO Box.
Wow…watching this on twitter allows me to see racist comments from New England fans in real time.
Wife, as she leaves me with three kids so she can attend a business dinner, “There’s laundry that needs to be folded.”
Me, “Good fucking luck with THAT. There’s football on tonight.”
Soooo, not gonna see her naked until Veteran’s Day.
Thankfully there’s football, bourbon, and DFO.
Couch is yours if you need it.
Beats not seeing your wife naked until Cadaver Day.
There’s nothing hotter than Veteran’s Day sex ,, ppl forget that
Men and women died so you can have half-erect coitus that lasts for 40 seconds.
VOET FOAR CAN, DERRRRR!
Whatever you did to the site made it so I actually stay logged in now. Good times.
Guys-I think this here is the place where we’re doing stuff. One of the greatest game intro blog posts of all time has been lost to the heavens…smgdh
Tell the truth, you just forgot to write it.
I’d vehemently disagree with you but my sterling work of art isn’t showing up in events or anywhere else that I can see.
Why do you turn this in to a house of lies? I have an ex wife for that scotchy.
Butt stuff a go/no go? Asking for a friend – his girlfriend is visiting from Canada…
Is she french? Makes a big difference.
He’s right, if she’s French I wouldn’t go in there.
I benched Fuller tonight solely based on my anti-TNF stance in fantasy. Especially the road offense.
What I’m saying is, ENJOY THE WILL FULLER SHOW TONIGHT!
I’m starting Hopkins, Fuller, Ervin, Gostkowski, and Pats D. I could end up with 0 points at the end of the night.
So when do the Texans start doing “Singing in the Rain”?
Twitter and Thursday Night Football…two shit products, together to make me miserable!
Yeah! FOOTBAW!
Can I haz a Thursday night open thread, or is this gonna be it?
ANYONE HAVING TROUBLE WITH SITE?
Seems more sluggish than usual. Reminds me of my old AOL account.
You’ve been seduced by someone claiming to be a 19-year old woman here too? Or maybe our AOL experiences were different.
I blame Belicheck, yes, yes I am
“This is waaaaayyyyy too early for a haunted thread.”-Johnny Halloween
Scotchy you don’t even get a box!
So is this where we are, like, doin stuff?
My wife asked me the same question on our wedding night.
Who feels like giving lastinure fantasy advice?
Is there any upside to staring endleman if he’s really the backup qb?
2 wr 1 flex league, so I need to pick 3 out of jeffry, hilton , j. Matthew (phi) endleman or assati from minn. Thoughts?
Lastinure was a very odd fellow.
Start him. As an Iggles fan Matthews drops toooo much
Am I hallucinating or did it go back to what it was? Maybe both.
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This is going to GET WEIRD on the open threads…..
http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/7000/Odd-Things-7031.jpg
So the bottom goes to the top? MY FRENCH DEGREE DID NOT COVER THIS!
Sacre bleu!
Agreed; this is perverted somehow, but the kitten takes the edge off.
Opa.
http://opawillowglen.com/
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By Jove, DTZM is straight coding today.
I don’t know how to comment except to reply!!!
Nice to see you Buddy.
GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE…. THE POWER BOTTOM.
Sabermetrics is in full force in Cleveland.
Its all about gaining picks through intentional sucking…because well…the Browns weren’t actively trying to suck before…so MAYBE this works?
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WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO THE FORMAT?!?!?
CHANGE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
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The fuck is going on?
THE MACHINE IS MALFUNCTIONING! IT IS ACTING INDEPENDANTLY!!
cotsner was just brown’s GM in a Movie,, get yr fact’s rite dumbass smh
Movies are just reality on a screen, bro.
Could we refer to these teams as the Power Bottoms?
That is fucking banner material MISTER.
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My comment expressing adoration of your comment is awaiting moderation.
Digging In The Derp
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0C3DHp36zc
Now I feel dirty.
Plus one on that damn pun plus: One of my favorite of his.
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Ranking of the 0-2 teams are a jumble all around these interwebs (I’ts earrrrrly!) but there seems to be one constant: The Factory is on the bottom of every list. So they got that goin’ for ’em.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/56dd8f9e9a6577d1704bd480687d7b2e/tumblr_od5lpb3ZD31syvjuco1_400.gif
I guess they are at the top of this list, but not the good kind of top. (Phrasing?)
Rank being the key combination of letters.
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http://guyspeed.com/files/2016/03/Amy-Adams-no-bra-cleavage.gif
OK, I feel better now, or butter now, something.
All day. Every day.
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