There are plenty of ways to lose. There are macro reasons (meddlesome ownership) and micro (lousy use of timeouts, injuries). Let’s explore the eight teams burdened by a win-less start to the season and dig deep or not so deep into the derp. Not all reasons will be looked at today-after all, many of these teams will be sporting an 0-3 mark next week. And I shall be there…uh, here. Somewhere.
1. Cleveland Browns Could there possibly be another team at the one spot? The team that every fan points to when their own squad is going through a rough patch is enduring Hurricane Jesus Christ! Three weeks in and three starting qb’s. But let’s back up a bit. GM Kevin Costner entered the draft with a buttload (14) draft picks. However, if you want no wins in two tries you need a bit more than bad luck, you need to squander your resources! And Costner did a fine job, picking five wide receivers and only two offensive lineman. Did I mention he signed an injury-prone RG3 in the offseason? Why not protect your asset? Yes, you the reader can accuse me of 20/20 hindsight but as a Cleveland front office type, Costner had to know that this was going to happen. Perhaps he was smart drafting all those wr’s instead of merely inviting most of them to free agent camp. That way they were obligated to go and couldn’t just look for a better offer. The league is freaking swimming in slant route runners but this is how math is done The Brown Way. 1. sign a wonky qb + 2. don’t bother to protect him + 3. don’t protect his backup + 4. have the backup’s backup be a rookie 5. draft a shit ton of wr’s=0-2. If things couldn’t get any Browns-ier, the one rook wr that was getting playing time just broke his hand in practice.
2. Buffalo Bills The defensive-oriented head coach of the Bills has seen his team give up 50 points over the course of the first two games. What to do…what to do? FIRE THE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR, OF COURSE! I guess Rex has decided that the time isn’t right to throw Brother Rob under the bus because the former knows that the latter will hop that Greyhound to Vegas, convert his severance cheque into chips and place half of it on 6 and the other half on 9 at the roulette table, spin the wheel and howl while palming the breast of his escort for the evening. Buffalo’s next two games are home vs. the Cards and away against the Pats. I see 0-4.
3. Chicago Bears The Bears somehow lost on both Sunday and Monday night yet it isn’t reflected in the standings as of this writing. Bears’ fans lost when they tuned in to see them play against the Eagles. Qb Cutler lost the ability to hold on to the football. He’s got ligament damage in his thumb, maybe. Will it require surgery? Lb Lamar Houston lost himself a season by ACL-ing his knee. Other lb Trevathan is going under the knife for a thumb injury. Who does he think he is, a qb? Five other players are concussed or hamstringed or high-ankle sprained. If they’re able to field a team next week I’m sure they will end up 0-3.
4. Washington Redacteds Is there such a thing as karma? If there is Lil’ Danny Snyder is living it in the NFL. He must go about the acquisition of free agents the same way ordinary folks regard adding to their bobblehead collections. “Oooo! I must have that!” This is where cb Norman enters the room. Sure it’s early days but the 4.6-running 40 guy is kinda sorta looking like the beneficiary of the Panthers D setup. But he was shiny-I will give him that, and Danny must, must have shiny things. Perhaps Norman will escape his fate and not be included with the likes of Jeff George, Albert Haynesworth, Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Adam Archuleta and many, many others.
5. Indianapolis Colts The Colts have given up a whopping 73 points and 848 yards so far this year. If your goal as a team is to start 0-2 for the third year in a row kudos to you fine gentleman in the front office that continue to forget that a D must be fielded every game. Remember up above when I spoke about this being a pass-happy league? That very average secondary that began the season is now a mosaic of limpers and head-ouchers. Cb Butler (hamstring), cb Davis (ankle), cb Robinson (concussion) safety Geathers (foot) and safety Green (knee) are all not at full speed/being replaced with inferior talent. This is one of the reasons why-hold on to your armchair rests, folks-the D did not get a single, not a one, 3-and-out against a Trevor Siemian-led O last week. Wow. Now they face a 32 points a game-scoring Chargers team that even without Allen and Woodhead are frothing at the mouth at the chance to explore every nook and cranny of the end zone. Trade for wr Benjamin while you can.
6. Jacksonville Jags “Hello Darkness, my old friend.”-Blake Bortles How do you hold down a team that has young talent everywhere on the roster? Put that team in the hands of one Gus Bradley and watch him work his not-magic. And what a job he’s pulled off-a coaching record of 12-38 doesn’t just *happen*, my friends. What Gus does is make absolutely sure that the Jags break training camp unprepared so that they are guaranteed to handicap themselves with a slow start. Over the course of his four years on the job he is 1 for September! This way a lousy work environment is established as early as possible for the players. Despite his best efforts the Jags sometimes win a game or two but Bradley is right there in the locker room afterwards reminding them of the uphill climb they have for the rest of the season. I think Old Gus is the first coach to go this year and with a name like that he can go back to his roots as a back-shaving, scrapyard-owning ‘Merican.
7. New Orleans Saints The unvaunted Saints D gave the O three fumble recoveries last week vs. the Giants and were rewarded with a big fat zero points in return. Let the narrative, “Brees is a whole ‘nother QB on the road”, ring from the mountaintops. One fansite I happened upon thought that the D giving up a mere 432 yards was progress because only 64 of that was on the ground. No one tell that poor soul that teams don’t bother with the run game because it’s so damn easy to pass on them. Still, I don’t think that the Saints are long for this list because they’ve got the Falcons on Monday night at home and that darn narrative tells me that Brees will go off for 450 and they win a 48-45 squeaker.
8. Miami Dolphins Rb Foster is injured [checks watch] right on time. Qb Tannehill threw for 389 yards vs. the Pats last week (Yay!) and was also the leading rusher (Wha…?) They host the #1-ranked Browns at home this week so I’m crossing them off the list. XXX
“Future Patriots fans”. I didn’t know they made assholes that small.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/4d1551682582e24472843d5efacd2518/tumblr_odrqc2yJA61v7pgpeo1_1280.png
Marc Trestman is intrigued by “assholes that small” and would like to subscribe to your newsletter
So, Phil, you’re saying Belichek, the defensive coach, game-planned the offense to neutralize J.J. Watt?
15 years ago, Mo Lewis unwittingly created this Patriots juggernaut. Also, the only time I have heard “sheared blood vessel” as an injury
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGnD-2zUidM
I am even MOAR scared of your link than usual, Buddy…
How do you embed these? Just use the link in share?
imagine what a shitshow Miami AT Cincy will be next Thurs…
JOONYAH TAWWWWWMYS GET EM A FOUR LOKO
http://66.media.tumblr.com/3fb4e400e148424ebaf705ce8f94e7c0/tumblr_ocv4os5yw31ukldkho1_400.gif
Well, at least he cares!
“The Revenge Of Wilfork: Seems Like Old Tynes”
“51 yard boot” is something I’ve done, barfing out of a moving car.
(My longest punt in college was 65 yards)
I was excited because I finally got to watch TNF because I normally work evenings. I am a foolish, foolish man.
I’m sure Cleveland will be equally as clever game planning for THEIR rookie QB.
“SPLOOOSH.”
http://66.media.tumblr.com/f9c018a16d08ca3c3f6bf39aca1decc2/tumblr_ods234JDB61rk4wdro1_1280.jpg
Gravity isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law!
they used Amendola b/c Edelman wasn’t comfortable with the crossing…
Yes, Phil. Praise the NFL QB for throwing a perfect spiral.
Low light camera on iPhone, so you can post clips of that sorority slut going down on you behind the dumpster the other night
The Brock Turner 7G
Fozz, I am classy, I use trees in parks as cover.
This game has all the appeal of an iron catheter.
With a crushed glass coating.
11 days until the new job starts and I cannot fucking wait. I’m gonna fuck shit up at this place. I mean fuck shit up in a good way, not a “Fozz put on your pants and get out” way.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/c717178679607f57e03a2ffd31445083/tumblr_oaq7jnZyYG1r4ybbgo1_400.gif
Blount with 8 points? Sounds about right.
Top comment over at PFT on an article about 4 rookie QB’s starting this week:
“seattlelion says:
Sep 22, 2016 6:16 PM
Perhaps the dip in viewership is partially due to all the protesting if the national anthem. A very large percentage of viewers are disappointed in what is happening and refusing to watch anymore.”
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That Clay Matthews-Aaron Rodgers State Farm commercial is the gayest thing since The French Mistake.
Thanks to the SImpsons, I cannot hear the name “Grimes” without hearing Homer chuckle and say, “Good ole Grimey”
Same here, plus isnt Miko Grimes a crazy person?
or are the jews she slanders crazy?? ppl forget that
I don’t know if it is me but Simms is at an all time high in irratatingness tonight. He just won’t shut up.
Spent too much time frolicking in the pool with my kids. My eyes are burning from the chlorine. Either that, or they can’t handle all the Patriot Power on the TV.
You do know that opening your eyes under water while playing Marco Polo is cheating right?
Which can is the real winner?
The one without Bud light.
Not the first time Aaron Rogers has ever swung his shaft at a fly
Not the first time Rodgers has been stroking his shaft while Clay Matthews’ mouth was full.
Usually when Aaron Rogers jumps up and down with a bunch of sweaty guys, “YMCA” is playing and everyone is high on poppers, and they’re gay.
Not the first time Rodgers has to explain why there’s a random shaft hanging in his passenger window.
“Texans? Brisset? That’s not what I thought I heard.”
-Andy Reid
Every time I see that NE QB, I want a brisket sandwich.
“Me, too.”
-Eddie Lacy, Vince Wilfork, etc.
THAT’S WHAT SHEEEEEEEEEEE SAID!
I knew he’d choke. I mean c’mon, Brock is the name a middle aged woman from Brentwood gives to her Yorkie.
White isn’t a terribly flattering color on Wilfork.
Did you see the Between Two Ferns with Clinton? Galifinakis had a great line about white power ties.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/7c0d5c2d926716f2896c0df40f67bf53/tumblr_odknt0a3vj1v2csx2o3_500.gif
Jamie Collins is a damned nightmare on the field. Holy crap.
again, Brock Osweiler is easily confused and just generally not super good
Oh goddammit. This game is gonna end up in 1,000,000 hot taeks about the Patriot Way, isn’t it?
Sadly, yes.
ALL THE D POINTS
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Go suck a fucking dick New England
What the hell? No more use of the chain gangs for first down measurement?
Did you read Big Daddy Drew today> It is a conspiracy.
The fenced off your mom.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/41cc02d28b4f673a80f5d612e25f8134/tumblr_o9m5rvW1P71rtgpq4o1_1280.png
No, that’s Belichick’s soul.
No way a black guy ever rides in that BMW SUV with that dude. Fuck I hate that commercial.
That’s how DeAndre do.
I hate everything.
You could:
1. Kill all the Kardashians with Ebola
2. Turn Gillette Stadium and its inhabitants into a tar pit
3. Cure cancer
Which do you pick?
D. All the above.
Are Simms and Nance included in #2?
Fuck you CBS. Can we see the replay?
So many fucking commericals. . . . .
But how would we know Kevin James is the King of Comedy???
That cancer thing is really tempting, given cancer got my cousin, my uncle, both my grandmothers, and my favorite high school teacher.
But I’d take the Kardashians getting Ebola.
There can be no doubt now. Robert Kraft sold his soul to the devil.
Great tackling by #29
http://www.pigtrip.net/photos/UP/UP-brisketsammy1208-big.jpg
fuck you, now I need to kidnap a redneck TX transplant and get ‘im cookin
That ain’t from Texas, because sauce.
I had one of those yesterday from a local place called Bone Daddy’s, except it had random jalapenos and shit mixed in and eating it as an actual sandwich was incomprehensible because they stack their sandwiches as below. So fucking good.
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Boo! SHould’ve kneeled 3 times and had Gostkowski kick it.
fuuu
Phil Simms is especially stupid and dumbfounded tonight.
he really wanted to see Edelman run the team, methinks