25 NFL Questions From An Uninformed and Easily Distracted Fan: Week 3

As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 3.  For a point of reference, I watched one quarter of Colts v. San Diego and one quarter of Cowboys v. Bears.  And one blow-out loss by my son’s 7 year-old flag football team.

“Gold Jacket. Green Jacket. Who gives a shit?” c/omoviefanatics.com
  1. Did you know that BOLTMAN is too poor to travel with the Chargers?
  2. Do you think it is because his utilities are too high?
  3. Does he use more electricity than a normal person?
  4. Does he live in a lair of sorts, or just in a hydroelectric damn?
  5. Will he be homeless when California runs out of water?
  6. Did you know T.Y. Hilton is still playing?
  7. Do you get him confused with Pierre Garçon and Reggie Wayne?
  8. They are all really the same guy, right?
  9. Do you think Pierre Garçon and John Pierre-Paul hang out together in cafes wearing berets while eating baguettes, chain smoking cigarettes, and denigrating the uncouth American way of life?
  10. Would one of you Photoshop that for me?
  11. Speaking of smoking, is John Pierre-Paul covering his lobster claw with a special glove this year, or going full barehanded Zoidberg?
  12. When I road rage, I have been using the terms “dickfuck” and “buttfuck” to swear at other drivers lately, instead of the traditional “assface”. Do our swearing patterns change as we get older?
  13. Are “dickfuck” and “buttfuck” somehow homophobic?
  14. I probably shouldn’t say those words with my kids in the car, right?
  15. So the preferred Trevor Siemian pun is Trevor “Semen”, right, so we can say things like “It took Gary Kubiak a lot of balls to just throw Semen out there without knowing what would happen”?
  16. How are the Broncos still so good?
  17. I guess Travathan and Malik Jackson were just bit players, right?
  18. Is Gary Kubiak a good coach, or has he just had a stroke (hahahahahahahahaha) of good luck with Denver’s defense and Wade Phillips?
  19. You really don’t meet too many guys name Wade nowadays, do you?
  20. It is odd to name your kid after the act of slowly walking through water, though, isn’t?
  21. Wade is probably a better name than Praxxtyn, though, right?
  22. So is the “Colin Kaepernick being a spark-plug for the anti-police brutality movement” thing over now that he has proven through his comments that he has no more political acumen than your average Gary Johnson voter (i.e., both candidates are bad, DO SOMETHING CONGRESS)?
  23. How did the Steelers lose by 20 something points to the Eagles?
  24. I bet Ben missed his pregame rape to limber up, didn’t he?
  25. I should probably watch more football, shouldn’t I?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damn.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadlier

YO YO YO! G-SUITE IN THE HIZZY!!!

https://techcrunch.com/2016/09/29/google-rebrands-its-business-apps-as-g-suite-launches-team-drive-upgrades-apps/

/after seeing Apple remove one of the most ubiquitous ports in history from the iPhone, was Google suddenly feeling compelled to out-stupid them?

Senor Weaselo

Could have been G-$uite or G-Money or something like that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadlier

CUNTLER: I should probably watch more football, shouldn’t I?

NFL: Yes. Watch more football.

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Unsurprised

I called at least three people cunts on the drive down from Portland to get sworn in. It’s a lazy day.

ArmedandHammered

You guys on the west coast sure are laid back. I say that many just in the grocery store parking lot.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, cunt is one that my filter, which has become much less effective lately in general btw, has begun to ignore way too much. Most people cringe when that one gets tossed out, fwiw. But they’re stupid cunts anyway.

I do also use that one as a term of endearment. Which seems odd, huh? But only for a very specific audience. I recently called someone I love very much a fat cunt. But fortunately, I knew ahead of time that the fat cunt would take it in the spirit it was intended (the fact that in reality, she’s neither fat nor a cunt probably kept me from getting my throat slashed, however).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I use cunt more with males, especially large truck males that don’t fucking know how to drive or park large trucks. Cuntdickfuckcunt was one that just popped out a few days ago and made me laugh enough to kind of forget what pissed me off.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought they just charged Boltman up after a game in the basement somewhere.

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y45/Christopher4myspace/YFS/temp-320-65441256.gif

Senor Weaselo

I’m partial to “fuckface” in a passive-aggressive way driving, though I’ve always tried to find a place for my personal favorite “cuntsicle.” It’s tougher than it should be.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

I overuse the more comical profanity as terms of endearment toward certain people. When I swear out of anger, often driving of course, I never know what’s going to come out. A few weeks ago, “you fucking assfuck” escaped my talkhole before I could stop it. Which normally wouldn’t be a problem, except Mom was in the truck with me at the time.

Bless her heart, she laughed her ass off at me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

19. You really don’t meet too many guys name Wade nowadays, do you?

My father was a Wade, btw. Still miss that shitmonkey. Even miss some of the verbal diarrhea which used to spew from his facial anus. (an example of the terms of endearment mentioned above)

😀

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Weird and bizarre rant cussing helps me calm down; added bonus if the window is down and pedestrians are around.

entropy

I don’t believe swearing changes so much as gets more refined. However, I still use my father’s term of endearment “Shitbird” for damn near everyone on the road but me.

Also, if you watching more football results in less questions of this sort, I say we bribe your neighbors to cut the cable lines in your neighborhood.

nomonkeyfun

I too love shitbird. It is relatively inoffensive in terms of the actual words, but the combo is really insulting. Plus, it can really be used about everyone.

My cursing mostly changes these days because I get bored with a word or phrase. I need to keep things fresh.

entropy

I used nunfucker for years until my mom heard me say it… she had given me many sad looks in my life (with damn good reason). That one was the worst.

ArmedandHammered

I still can’t curse in front of my parents, my mom’s slap was so fast that the sonic boom made it sound like I got hit twice. And I think my dad’s belt was a quick release for those types of moments.

entropy

Also: an ex of mine used to use “Rat-bastard pimp sonofabitch.” I got rid of the girlfriend. I kept the phrase.

ArmedandHammered

I know about the comments getting eaten by the hyperspace beast (I hated that event in MOOII) or whatever, but is the continually being logged out something new?

entropy

That one happened a lot last year, but it hasn’t been seen much lately from what I recall.

ArmedandHammered

I lost several captioning comments to that as it would log me out when I tried to make the comment. Just gave up after awhile.

entropy

I lost my caption comments, too, but I remembered the cookies thing today and I’m back in commenting business, as it were.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I LOST SEVERAL WITH THE DREADED QUOTATION MARKS (MARKS OF The Devil apparently). But hey; prolly stupid rants anyway….

http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/hh298/invalidgriffin/random/psych_weird.gif

jjfozz

My go to driving epithet is “cunthole” and/or “throbbing dickhead”.

I have no idea where either came from, but my synapses are barely holding together these days.

King Hippo

12. I use “shitmonkey” SOLELY when driving and irrespective of race or gender. Makes no goddamned sense, and have no goddamned idea where it came from. Yes, this is part of my age-related dementia.

I propose just enjoying the ride, and warning the kids it will happen to them one day, too. And the alternative is death, they don’t want Daddy to die, do they?

/mine are all teenagers, pretty sure they’d take the life insurance if they knew they’d all get like $400K

ArmedandHammered

Went from using asshat to assfuck, not sure why or how it evolved but it annoys the wife, so it has that going for it.

King Hippo

Strokey Kubes is EXACTLY the right coach for the Donks. Whether that makes him a “good coach” in general, I dunno, though he seems to have gotten more out of the imaginary Texans than golden boy O’Brien has/will.

He got Wade Phillips and lets him do his thing. Not concerned about him getting more headlines, etc. He has enough juice to push back against Our Equine Lord and Saviour when necessary, but he’s savvy enough to pick his spots. And he is very fair-minded, and not afraid to make tough calls with personnel/position moves. Earns his players’ respect that way. Seems to have the pulse of the team and locker room down pat.

jjfozz

Kubes and Tomsula could pair up for an 80’s vintage porn movie.

“Coach Cummings” or “Crotch Coaches” would be possible titles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

That. Is. Disturbing. As. Fuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They do miss Malik Jackson …. just not near enough to pay him like the Jags are. Poor Travathan; with him there is more depth, but speed and tackling ability ARE ALWAY WELCOME.

Brett Favres Colonoscopy

Do we have a running tally of how much football you’ve watched this season? I thought we were at like 7 quarters.

Unsurprised

25. Nah

Doktor Zymm

The great thing about Wade Boggs’s name is that a bog is a thing you can wade through.

Beerguy Rob

I think we all know how BOLTMAN gets around. It’s also his theme song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8CHD4KB1Mk

Blaxabbath

13. “Everything is ‘somewhat homophobic’.” -Libtards

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

15. I’ve seen Broncos fans refer to him as “Siemian Toast Crunch” which is just… ugh…

Senor Weaselo

Eew.

...

This is far too unsettling of a nickname for me not to use it repeatedly.

Doktor Zymm

There are some things you just shouldn’t put on cereal….

nomonkeyfun

Sometimes, I like my cereal to be extra creamy.

-Rodgers

...

I always saw Rodgers as a Toaster’s Strudel guy who gets a bit too excited about applying the icing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those aren’t crumbs, are they?

ArmedandHammered

1. I always thought he just traveled through the power lines, must be facing too much resistance to him traveling.

14. Why not, better to hear it from their parents than the kids in school, just like the talk about the birds and bees?

20. Better than Rip. Although I think my cousin Shart would’ve preferred Wade. Or Rip. Or Ha Ha.

Blaxabbath

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nomonkeyfun

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