2016 Green Bay Packers Bye Week Update

The Green Bay Packers, a football team in the NFC North, are 2 – 1.   They have defeated two bad teams (Jaguars, Lions), and lost to one good team (Vikings).  Their offense appears to be rounding into shape, and their bend-but-don’t-break defense is the same defense as it has been the last five years.  This team is fucking boring to write about.  Many of the questions proposed in the season preview remain unanswered, because why the fuck are there Week 4 byes?  This is so fucking stupid.  Let’s go to Toby from Winnebago for his hot bye week takes.

[Door flies open]

 

 

CUNTLER:  So, Toby, how are you?

TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO:  Uh, pretty good, I guess?  I went bow hunting with Dad and my cousins John and Tom this weekend.  Dad got a new Polaris 1000 EPS, but Tom thinks he shoulda got the 4 1000 EPS, for, uh, the additional storage.  Tom gotta 12 point buck, so it was a good day.  We made some sausage in his new grinder from Bass Pro.  We’ve all been doin’ pretty good, ya know?

CUNTLER: Great.  How are you feeling about the Packers season so far?

TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO:  Uh, ya know, it’s goin’ pretty good.  That Lions game had me worried, but Aaron Rodgers usually scores enough, uh, for the Pack to win.  He and Jordy Nelson have a great connection.  I think it has a lot to do with their backgrounds, ya know?  Just regular guys havin’ fun out there.  Those other guys, like Davante Adams, just don’t get it sometimes.  Minnesota’s lookin’ good, though.  That’ll be a  tough one at Lambeau later this year for the guys, but I think they can win it. GO PACK GO! BEARS STILL SUCK!

/puts in dip

//turns up that Kid Rock song with Sheryl Crow to a reasonable volume.

///slips a Matthews jersey on over his camo Carhartt hoodie

CUNTLER: What are your thoughts on Eddie Lacy this year?  He lost a lot of weight in the off-season, but it doesn’t seem like it has transferred to as drastic of an improvement on the field as many had hoped.

TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO:  Well, uh, he seems like he is doing alright.  My girlfriend, Abby, thinks . . . she’s from Neenah, by the way.  You’ve heard of Neenah, right?  They have the foundry?  A lotta manhole covers are made there?  No?  She’s a great catch.   You wanna see a picture?

(Abby)

We met in middle school, and now she’s a cashier at the Menards up there on Integrity Way in Appleton.  Anyway, Abby thinks Eddie will turn things around.  Ya know, I think he’s had a lotta trouble adjusting to the cold up here.  A lotta those guys do.  I think he really misses ol’ John Kuhn’s leadership back there.  That guy was all grit, just like JJ Watt.  KUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHNNNNNNN!!!!

/opens Spotted Cow

//switches radio to a classic rock station playing “Three Steps”

CUNTLER:  How about Julius Peppers and the rest of the defense?  Do you think they have enough talent to help take the team to the level they were at in their 2010 Super Bowl season?

TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO:  First off, I’d say that it’s Clay Matthews’s defense, ya know?  Peppers is kind of, uh, a rent-a-player.  Matthews and Dean Lowry are the real leaders back there.   I also expect big things from Blake Martinez and Jake Ryan, ya know?  I think they got what it takes to bring the “D” together.  The defensive line and secondary need to step up, too, but I don’t know much about those guys.  Dom Capers, I kinda hate the guy sometimes, but his defenses seem to do well enough most of time, ya know?

/shrugs

//straightens framed Packers stock certificate hung below his GED

CUNTLER:  How do you see the rest of the season playing out for the Packers?

TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO:  Well, Abby thinks that they’ll go 10-6 and run the table as  a wildcard team.  I think they’ll get past Minnesota, finish 13-3 and win the whole thing.  Aaron Rodgers is, uh, the best, ya know?  And with Jordy back, there’s nothing those two can’t do together.  And the Claymaker can’t be beat, either.  GO PACK GO!  Ya know?  I guess people may have a different opinion, though.  Anyway, I, uh, need to get goin’.  I’ve gotta winterize the snowblower before I pick Abby up.  Her shift ends at 6:30.  Might go grab a butterburger at Culver’s after.  Nice talkin’ to ya.

CUNTLER’S UPDATED PREDICTION:  10-6 [I agree with Abby as to the record], wildcard loss.  

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

How, the fuck are we doin’ boys?

I am done with Deadspin as of today; to be fair I am still reading Magary’s shit on my RSS reader, but I don’t have or want to give them clicks.

There occasionally is some editorializing here, but it is done with a modicum of self-awareness and something that makes even people who don’t agree with it a laugh, Deadspin just uses a populist cudgel and just isn’t funny anymore to me. Oh nice, you think you’re speaking truth to power, but you’re the same people just hoping to break stories before anyone else.

Also, this place never paid money to a Quaaluded-out male prostitute trying to blackmail a high profile client. Tommy Craggs and Max Read’s weepy, bitchy defenses of it was what started the ball rolling for me.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Yes, I know they were Gawker but half of Deadspin’s posts now are cross-postings from some site I barely give a shit about under the Univision umbrella.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Counterpoint: The Cardinals loss series was superb trolling and the sort of thing that reminds me of when Deadspin was irreverent and fun.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DO WE NEED TO GO DOWN THERE AND SLAP A BITCH?

*Available bitches for slappin’ does not include Mr. Magary.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Agreed. There is nothing left of Deadspin that is remotely funny. Even Drew kinda mails in the Jamboroos. He’s saving his better writing for other outlets

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I’ve never been more pro-Murder Clown than I am now. “Penn State students mobilize to fight clown threat.” https://twitter.com/i/moments/783326891667251201

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Crowd immediately dispersed to their , acting as if nothing was wrong when an update to the clown “sighting” reported the perpetrator(s) as “pedophiles dressed in officially NCAA licensed Penn State coaching staff attire.”

A candlelight vigil and memorial sprung up around the former location of the Paterno statue.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Daggummit. *their dorms…it should read “their dorms”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Happy National Taco Day.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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That’s a lot better than Tuesday mornings in Baylor’s Title IX office, which are colloquially known as “J’accuse-day”.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Everyday to Miko Grimes is “Jewsday”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s hard to say, but it is worth it when you say it.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Now I want to go back to the Saraveza bar, which is so thoroughly a Packers bar my cholesterol level skyrocketed the moment I walked in. It really is fantastic, though. Plus it’s a bottle shop. The problem is that it’s on the other side of Portland from where I live.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Slap Shot is available to stream for free on Amazon Prime. In case you have nothing better to do for the next 90 minutes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Unless you are John Legend and your wife is otherwise unoccupied for the next ninety minutes, NOBODY has anything better to do for ninety minutes than watch Slap Shot.

yeah right
Member

Ya, can’t be late pickin’ up Abby today.
She has accordion lessons at 8.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Considering how slim Abby is in that photo, it must be 18 year old Wisconsin Abby and not 28 year old Wisconsin Abby who’s definitely put on at least 30 pounds from successfully drinking boys under the table in Oconomowoc. That being said, she’s as foul-mouthed in the bar as she is in bed, so you’ll have a good old time regardless.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So, she’s being polka’d at 8:05?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Nah, she only let’s him fingerblast her, gotta save herself for marriage, dontcha know?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So noted.

Beerguyrob
Member

I believe the framing order on that wall would actually go:

– Packers Ownership Certificate

– Hunting Licence

– Billy the Singing Bass

– GED

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

What about the framed Vince Lombardi photo?

Beerguyrob
Member

That’s in the shitter next to Jesus.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Ugh, my arteries just tightened at the mention of Culver’s butter burger. My parents love that shit, which is why we’re all going to die sooner than need be.

Old School Zero
Member

My girlfriend and I are going to visit her parents this weekend in St. George, Utah, where they’ve retired to. St. George has both a Culvers and an In-N-Out burger. I can’t think there are many places where this is true.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I’ve been to St. George. Long ass story, but, in short, that’s a weird ass town.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Now I’m remembering that I have also been to St. George although it involved only a quite stop at a Wal-Mart full of young, beautiful, blonde Mormon women pushing around 3+ kids despite looking younger than I was (I was in my late 20’s at the time).

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Two words:

Jack Mormon

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just drove through once and agree; most asses there are weird.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Like I said, it’s more radioactive than Bikini Atoll