Latest posts by Cuntler (see all)
- 2017 Indianapolis Colts Preview – August 21, 2017
- Denver Media Considers the Triumphant Return of Jay Cutler! – February 22, 2017
- Aaron Rodgers to spend off season R-E-L-A-Xing, big timing family. – January 23, 2017
The Green Bay Packers, a football team in the NFC North, are 2 – 1. They have defeated two bad teams (Jaguars, Lions), and lost to one good team (Vikings). Their offense appears to be rounding into shape, and their bend-but-don’t-break defense is the same defense as it has been the last five years. This team is fucking boring to write about. Many of the questions proposed in the season preview remain unanswered, because why the fuck are there Week 4 byes? This is so fucking stupid. Let’s go to Toby from Winnebago for his hot bye week takes.
[Door flies open]
CUNTLER: So, Toby, how are you?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Uh, pretty good, I guess? I went bow hunting with Dad and my cousins John and Tom this weekend. Dad got a new Polaris 1000 EPS, but Tom thinks he shoulda got the 4 1000 EPS, for, uh, the additional storage. Tom gotta 12 point buck, so it was a good day. We made some sausage in his new grinder from Bass Pro. We’ve all been doin’ pretty good, ya know?
CUNTLER: Great. How are you feeling about the Packers season so far?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Uh, ya know, it’s goin’ pretty good. That Lions game had me worried, but Aaron Rodgers usually scores enough, uh, for the Pack to win. He and Jordy Nelson have a great connection. I think it has a lot to do with their backgrounds, ya know? Just regular guys havin’ fun out there. Those other guys, like Davante Adams, just don’t get it sometimes. Minnesota’s lookin’ good, though. That’ll be a tough one at Lambeau later this year for the guys, but I think they can win it. GO PACK GO! BEARS STILL SUCK!
/puts in dip
//turns up that Kid Rock song with Sheryl Crow to a reasonable volume.
///slips a Matthews jersey on over his camo Carhartt hoodie
CUNTLER: What are your thoughts on Eddie Lacy this year? He lost a lot of weight in the off-season, but it doesn’t seem like it has transferred to as drastic of an improvement on the field as many had hoped.
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Well, uh, he seems like he is doing alright. My girlfriend, Abby, thinks . . . she’s from Neenah, by the way. You’ve heard of Neenah, right? They have the foundry? A lotta manhole covers are made there? No? She’s a great catch. You wanna see a picture?
We met in middle school, and now she’s a cashier at the Menards up there on Integrity Way in Appleton. Anyway, Abby thinks Eddie will turn things around. Ya know, I think he’s had a lotta trouble adjusting to the cold up here. A lotta those guys do. I think he really misses ol’ John Kuhn’s leadership back there. That guy was all grit, just like JJ Watt. KUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHNNNNNNN!!!!
/opens Spotted Cow
//switches radio to a classic rock station playing “Three Steps”
CUNTLER: How about Julius Peppers and the rest of the defense? Do you think they have enough talent to help take the team to the level they were at in their 2010 Super Bowl season?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: First off, I’d say that it’s Clay Matthews’s defense, ya know? Peppers is kind of, uh, a rent-a-player. Matthews and Dean Lowry are the real leaders back there. I also expect big things from Blake Martinez and Jake Ryan, ya know? I think they got what it takes to bring the “D” together. The defensive line and secondary need to step up, too, but I don’t know much about those guys. Dom Capers, I kinda hate the guy sometimes, but his defenses seem to do well enough most of time, ya know?
//straightens framed Packers stock certificate hung below his GED
CUNTLER: How do you see the rest of the season playing out for the Packers?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Well, Abby thinks that they’ll go 10-6 and run the table as a wildcard team. I think they’ll get past Minnesota, finish 13-3 and win the whole thing. Aaron Rodgers is, uh, the best, ya know? And with Jordy back, there’s nothing those two can’t do together. And the Claymaker can’t be beat, either. GO PACK GO! Ya know? I guess people may have a different opinion, though. Anyway, I, uh, need to get goin’. I’ve gotta winterize the snowblower before I pick Abby up. Her shift ends at 6:30. Might go grab a butterburger at Culver’s after. Nice talkin’ to ya.
CUNTLER’S UPDATED PREDICTION: 10-6 [I agree with Abby as to the record], wildcard loss.