“Now is the winter of our discontent.”
Soupy Sales wrote that and became one of the greatest writers of our day. But as much as I value Soupy’s elan and breeding, I think he needed to take this a step further.
“Now is the winter of our discontent, because winter is one big bucket of frozen shit. It’s grey, cold, rainy, icy, and depressing. Fuck this season with a copper plated, poison spiked dildo.”
See what I did there? Now that quote fucking SINGS.
If you didn’t guess, I hate the fuck out of winter. Probably because of where I’m located – in Baltimore we either get 120 fucking inches of snow, or nothing. There is no in between. Also, when it snows in Maryland, people completely lose their fucking minds. They can NOT drive in any hazardous condition.
There are two types of asshole drivers in the snow: the dickhole who drives like it’s a clear summer day and doesn’t realize he’s about to kill himself and everyone else on the road AND the person who sees one snowflake and thinks 10 miles per hour is still too fast.
(As an aside, I realized I was old when an SUV full of kids rocketed past me in about 5 inches of snow. I pulled up next to them and completely lost my shit. Fucking bunch of apes.)
Still, snow is kind of fun because you can drink (like any of us need an excuse) and it’s pretty and you can get sexy time if you get the wife drunk. Also, having a cigar while it snows is kind of nice.
But everything else about winter sucks the pink hog. Every blade of grass is dead and bleached of color, so are the sky and the trees. There are salt stains everywhere and when it’s not cold enough to freeze the boogers in your nose, it’s damp.
Also there is shit to watch sports wise on TV – when the Super Bowl is over I get depressed. What else can I watch? Hockey – I’m not Canadian so I don’t care. College hoops? Meh. Golf? Get the fuck out of here.
Time dies slowly during the frozen months, maybe because it gets dark at 2 in the afternoon. When you get home, you just sit there, waiting for the apocalypse – or dinner – whichever comes first.
And if you aren’t ready to drink so much that the creases in your brain disappear, you can look at your credit card and see all the stupid motherfucking SHIT you bought your kids for Christmas. Because all of that shit is broken, lost, or at the neighbor’s house.
Die, winter. Die a quick, bright death so we can see lots of boobs unleashed and twinkling in the warm summer sun.
Die you fucking shitty season.
Shit that made me smile this week:
My new job is allowing me to flex my creative muscles again – after two years of working in corporate communications. Like a bucket of iced bourbon after a long day on the beach.
Don’t worry about those kids if they’re in an suv Fozz. Everyone knows 4X4 means you can’t slip on snow or ice.
I don’t give a shit what temperature it is, I have coats of assorted heaviness and gloves made from dead teddy bears to keep me warm. I DO hate it being dark all the goddamn time. The few hours of the day that it’s light? AT WORK.
I read some idiotic article about how everyone should still wear sunblock during the winter, because 10 hours of winter sun is equivalent to 1 hour of summer sun and still has UV and shit in it. How the fuck is this person getting 10 hours of winter sun? Even if they soak up every hour of sunlight that’s still gonna take them more than a day, and they’re gonna have frostbite if they’re exposing more than the tiny bit of skin around the eyes that you have to keep uncovered to see. No one in Chicago gets any “winter sun.” We’re all vitamin D deficient and stabby.
You need to move south.
You speaketh the truth.
I already started taking my vitamin D.
The days are already down to 12 hours of sunlight, maybe. It’s so depressing.
I don’t LIKE winter, but it beats SUMMER. Again, largely because of location, as I am a Son of the South. Summer can eat shit and die already.
Plus, nothing but goddamned el beisbol. Any season that contains Divisional Playoff Weekend can’t be ALL bad, even with the Christmas feast to consumerism.
Fuck winter. Winter sucks.
The creative freedom is already paying dividends
But skiing is fun, no?
Gonna be mid/upper 90s the rest of the week here in SoCal, no humidity and high winds.
By this time tomorrow the whole fucking state will be afire.
The fuck is this “winter” thing I keep hearing about???
I think it’s something that happens about five hours away up the 395.
Fozz I totally get where you’re coming from. But now that I live a bit further south and it’s a rarity to get more than a few inches, and even that is rare some years, I’ve grown to like winter very much.
Emigrate south, young man. And still close enough to get back home on the reg.
Just don’t ever drive back and forth during the day ever anymore. The stretch between DC beltway and Petersburg is literally a continuous parking lot during daylight hours these days. I was ready to choke someone out last time I had to drive it in the daytime. Never again.
/Shakes fist at snowfake.
/shakes fist at snowflake too.
/shakes fist at own freezing balls regularly
//might not be technically called “shaking”
Shake fist above balls unless you are one of those legs over the head guys, which just judging from your comments I don’t see you being that flexible. I you were a “DFO meet up” would be nice.